i’m not sure where this will go… but it may be TRIGGERING

I’m not sure why i’m writing this… I feel so very alone right now… I even feel abnormal among the abnormal… I know am not really alone… i have people who are trying their best to support me… and maybe i’m just not letting them…
A part of me wants to tell everybody to shut up and leave me alone… let me fade away… let me die maybe… while another part of me wants to move on… “get over” things… recover…

I am so tired of this constant battle… this crazy roller-coaster ride… and it feels like it’s never going to end…
There are days where I’m feeling alright… when i’m determined to win the battle…
there are days when I tell myself that I must keep on fighting because I have things left to do…
Then there are the bad days…. and the worst days… when nothing matters… when it all hits me at once…
I know i’ve often felt like this… that i have reached the ultimate bottom… I know I’ve managed somehow to climb back up from there… but it’s getting more and more difficult… and I feel more lost and alone each time…

I am literally going insane… I have been going through really bad spells of hallucinations… All of a sudden it’s like my room comes to life and i feel like it’s going to crush me… bury me inside it self…

Other times I feel like the staff as well as other patients are plotting something against me… My meds and feedings seem like poison…
Sometimes I feel unreal… like i don’t have a form or a shape… like i’m just floating around… Everything else around me feels as it’s in that same form

I have urges hurt my body…. urges to cut… not just those shallow cuts that hardly bleed at all… but deep… very deep.. urges to cut off… do damage… destroy…

…and then there are times i don’t feel anything at all… maybe those are the best… at least right now I don’t want to feel anything at all… I don’t want to think… I don’t want to be…
what the hell is wrong with me?