This is a warning…. this post is very rambly … and really not worth reading…
but I need to do something to at least try to get some things out of my head…. It isn’t much but at least i am “speaking” here…
Therapy this morning was spent in silence… yet one more time… at least from my side of the room…
Yesterday was bad… but i made it through the day…
…in the afternoon… LB chat… Not that I do very well in chat-rooms… I usually keep very quiet… and sometimes i feel that I’m just being rude…listening in on what other people are talking about… But it’s just…for some reason… very hard to take part in a conversation… and i can’t think of anything to say… Even if i can think of something… it comes long after the subject has been changed and by then it’s too late…
but then… why do i join a chat-room… well it’s not like I go to many anymore… if ever… I used to be quite good at it at first at least… I was even a host in a chat room for a while… I did good there.. uhm ok like i said before… at first… but then i started getting “quiet” again… first in real life… and then online… Just somehow faded away…
It hit me last night… there in the LB chat… why I wanted to be there…. and it wasn’t for the chatting… nor was it because I was curious off what was being talked about… actually… at some point i was almost triggered or more like afraid by the conversation that was going on when i joined…
Actually when i think about it… it is one of those things when i can feel my anxiety level rise… my heat start beating faster and i get uneasy and feel an urge to get up and run away… but yet at the same time i know it’s “nothing” and “why the hell should this bother me like that?”… Really it’s kind of embarrassing really…. but anyway… getting off track here… because… I was going to say why I staid… and why I didn’t get up and run away…
It’s simple really… that reason… I didn’t feel alone…
…and then suddenly… with out any warning at all… my INTERNET goes down… and I felt more alone than ever…. It’s almost silly… I guess when my six year old acts like that… it’s called a temper tantrum… At first i got angry… very angry actually… That anger made me come very close to harming myself… and I know if i’d had *something* at hand or a chance of being by myself I would have…. and i got even more angry because *they* suspected what was going on…
…but my wife came by… just in time… and i just started crying like a baby…. I couldn’t stop (or so it felt at the time) nor was i able to tell her why…
…because you can’t really explain something you don’t know to someone else….
Im glad Sunna came by just in time to comfort you.
Im glad you got through it all safely.
Take care my sweet man.
dear gabriel. I’ve been reading your blog for months, and have been keeping silent. But i just want to let you know I understand, and can totally relate to this post.. the insecurity, confusion, anxiety etc when unexpected things go beyond our control. Keep yourself safe, gabriel, and there’s nothing wrong to crying like a baby 🙂
I’m the same way .. and I’ll even go to the point of calling my ISP, lieing that I have some sort of school project (even when I’m not in school) and how important it is that I get it in .. when I KNOW that they can’t do anything about it .. I don’t know why I do that, maybe the Internet is some sort of lifeline for me …