This is a warning…. this post is very rambly … and really not worth reading…
but I need to do something to at least try to get some things out of my head…. It isn’t much but at least i am “speaking” here…

Therapy this morning was spent in silence… yet one more time… at least from my side of the room…

Yesterday was bad… but i made it through the day…
…in the afternoon… LB chat… Not that I do very well in chat-rooms… I usually keep very quiet… and sometimes i feel that I’m just being rude…listening in on what other people are talking about… But it’s just…for some reason… very hard to take part in a conversation… and i can’t think of anything to say… Even if i can think of something… it comes long after the subject has been changed and by then it’s too late…
but then… why do i join a chat-room… well it’s not like I go to many anymore… if ever… I used to be quite good at it at first at least… I was even a host in a chat room for a while… I did good there.. uhm ok like i said before… at first… but then i started getting “quiet” again… first in real life… and then online… Just somehow faded away…

It hit me last night… there in the LB chat… why I wanted to be there…. and it wasn’t for the chatting… nor was it because I was curious off what was being talked about… actually… at some point i was almost triggered or more like afraid by the conversation that was going on when i joined…

Actually when i think about it… it is one of those things when i can feel my anxiety level rise… my heat start beating faster and i get uneasy and feel an urge to get up and run away… but yet at the same time i know it’s “nothing” and “why the hell should this bother me like that?”… Really it’s kind of embarrassing really…. but anyway… getting off track here… because… I was going to say why I staid… and why I didn’t get up and run away…

It’s simple really… that reason… I didn’t feel alone…

…and then suddenly… with out any warning at all… my INTERNET goes down… and I felt more alone than ever…. It’s almost silly… I guess when my six year old acts like that… it’s called a temper tantrum… At first i got angry… very angry actually… That anger made me come very close to harming myself… and I know if i’d had *something* at hand or a chance of being by myself I would have…. and i got even more angry because *they* suspected what was going on…

…but my wife came by… just in time… and i just started crying like a baby…. I couldn’t stop (or so it felt at the time) nor was i able to tell her why…

…because you can’t really explain something you don’t know to someone else….