Tomorrow is my mother’s birthday….
Tomorrow is also an anniversary….
There where two things my mother wanted for me… one was to live my life in pain and the second to make a living as a concert pianist… I don’t know if that was for the fact that she liked the attention she got because of it… probably…
Ten years ago….
It wasn’t a momentarily decision…
It had been on my mind for a while… but I wanted to do it this particular day… her birthday…
I wanted “to get back at her” by doing it…
*…but what does she care anyway? she’s dead for crying out loud!*
(and at the time i admit… I didn’t really care either… or about anything else for that matter other than getting my daily dose of drugs and booze)
…but… again i ask…. what good did that do me?
…a revenge? feeling of justice?
No… not really… maybe a little at the time…
I do remember the feeling… the rush…
*wham* one move and it was done
I do remember that I didn’t feel pain… probably because of all the drugs and booze i had before…
but I wasn’t exactly living in a palace at the time… but rather a filthy mouse hole of a dump… a stray cat wouldn’t even want to live there…
…and so… not only had i done an irreversible damage to my hand…and made sure I’d never be able to properly play the piano again… but i also managed to get it infected… And only by pure luck did i somehow end up in a hospital… having a surgery and a truck load of antibiotics…
If there is anything in my life that I wish i could go back to and ‘fix’ it’s what happened that day…. because if i could… a lot of other things would get ‘fixed’ on the way …or wouldn’t have happened at all…
I know I can’t go back… and I know I can’t change anything that is in the past….
…but what I do know… I didn’t get anything out of it that lasted long enough… It never does… so because of that… and because of what my mind is telling me… of what it is doing… by trying to get me to hurt myself… I say… no more… no fu*king more of that…
oh man
a lot lost with that move
Be strong Gabriel you can do this
Don’t let her cause you to continue the hurt of yourself
you don’t deserve it
and she’s not worth satisfying even though she’s dead
Keep fighting it, posting, screaming, whatever you have to to resist your thoughts.
You can do it.
Gabriel,
Do you realize that I really look up to you? You have been through so much sh*t in your life, yet you keep fighting. You are still living. What makes me really admire you is how open you are about things. Along w/ that you take time out to help others in need.
My mind is on overload from work today, so know this isn’t coming out the way I exactly want. Hopefully my meaning got across {hugs}
My thoughts are with you today sweet man.
lots of hugs
I did the same thing for two years .. I made sure I was so numb I couldn’t feel a thing .. now, I want to take it all back ..