Things are not good and when things are not good i usually crawl inside my self and hide either until it passes or until i do something bad like SI and then everything seem fine again…

I am finding myself ‘collecting’ items that i can use to hurt myself…. I find my self fantasizing on how i can use xxx to hurt my self?… how i can do the most amount of damage with this and that item in my room…. or whatever room i’m in at the time…

These thoughts somehow help me get through the day… through from one hour to the next… but at the same time they scare me…. I know that if or when the thoughts alone won’t help anymore I will start using what ever I have and “just a little” wont be enough…

So here I am trying to just write it all away… and hoping that while doing it my mind will let go… and maybe discover how silly all of this is… It has happened in the past… so it can happen again… but even so …it never lasts… It’s always the same story…
First feeling good, happy or almost happy… more confidence… Then comes the “bleh” feeling… Everything is still fine… not bad and not good… but from there it slowly comes back… the memories/nightmares/flashbacks …or what ever you want to call it… sneaks up from the behind and attacks.

Sometimes I can attack back… and even win the battle… but sometimes I can’t… and that is when i find myself going down…. deeper and deeper… and it feels like there is no way out… except that one thing… This one “little” thing that has always worked so well in the past. ….Or has it?? Has it really always worked? Maybe to a point… but still… if i really sit down and think about it…. What good does those past moments of pain do me now? I don’t even remember what they felt like then… or the final minutes before I did it… so what the hell did i really get out of it? A moment’s relief? a momentarily feeling of peace and safety? Yes and yes… but… well to be honest it stinks! …it stinks because the relief… the feeling of peace and safety don’t last… it stinks because it only leaves scars and/or even permanent/irreversible damages to your body… No thank you! No more!