I know i need to write about a few things that have been happening lately… but the thing is that I’m haven’t really been able to “take it all in” so to speak… and when ever i try to write something about it i feel blocked…

I’m sure there are people reading this that have no idea what i’m talking about because this has to do with “an incident” that happened on a forum where i am an admin at… so if you are reading this and not a member of that forums… i’m sorry…

…and for those who do know what i’m talking about and are sick of hearing more about this… I’m sorry too…

I’m going to admit it… i’ve been avoiding my journal(s) lately… and i have been avoiding my own thoughts as well… and as much as it hurts to admit it… i guess i’ve been in some ways avoiding LB…

I am a scared person… it is very easy to make me feel uncomfortable… I feel uncomfortable around people in real life. It is not that I mean to doubt people or anything like that… but I have a problem with looking a person in the eye… I have a problem with speaking and I feel that every person that looks at me is doing it for some other purpose than just look… yes I know that is paranoia… I know that is unrealistic of me…. I know it is a part of my illness and that it is all in my head but I can’t help it and I don’t know how to tell myself not to feel this way… Some days are better than others but the feeling is always there…

Online it is different… or at least most of the time it is…. and I don’t feel this way there… or didn’t… until a few days ago… I hate that… It makes me feel so sad… and scared…. I do remember a time when I was able to talk to people in real life… to start a conversation… to look at other people and have them looking at me back without wanting to run away and hide or thinking they were “doing something” to me (or them selves) by looking at me….

I know there has been a lot of chaos going on here… and i’m sure there are members and i know i’m probably not alone feeling like this…
but i can’t help it but i am scared to post these days… I was planning on keeping my mouth shut about this but as it is I am afraid that if I don’t speak about it… I will end up feeling afraid to reach out to people on the forums… or even post at all … not to mention share my thoughts by writing in my journal…

Hopefully without sounding like it makes me feel any “better” or “sicker” than the next person…I am someone that has been through quite a lot in his life… and i admit that I talk (and think) about my past a lot… especially the first 20 years of my life or so… I know that isn’t very healthy most of the time… but it wasn’t until 6 or 7 years ago I started opening up about those things and when i did i started to understand a lot of things in my life… my everyday behavior /quirks …or why i react(ed) to some things in a certain way… etc… I’m still trying to understand some of those… and i have mostly been doing that by writing about it…

I know there have been times where I have second guessed myself… and then especially because of the memories …or certain memories at least… I have of my childhood… and there isn’t really anything wrong with that… at least I know people with similar background as me who have…
I’m not really sure of what it is that i’m trying to say here… but because of what’s been going on here in the past few days… I am now more afraid that when people read what I write they will not believe me… This is something that has happened… both in my online life and in my real life… It doesn’t… or at least it shouldn’t… matter if someone who doesn’t know me doesn’t believe me… i’m not really asking that… …i’m not really asking anyone to believe everything i say for that matter…. but this “thing” that happened here has brought up issues from my past in many different ways… and it makes it extra hard for me to post… or to be noticed in any other way….

I’m not writing this for sympathy or even for you to tell me that you believe me… especially since i know that with my paranoia in the past… it’s not something that goes away with reassurance… but it will probably go away on it’s own… with time… i guess that what i’m asking is is that for people to be patient with me…. or something….