A post very out of context ramblings and written in a semi triggered and paranoid state of mind….

The last couple of weeks have been difficult… no more like the past month or even longer… a year… two years… dam it… life is fucking difficult… and a lot more difficult than it should be…

And yes… in case you are wondering… I am feeling sorry for myself… and I honestly believe that I have every right to at this point… but if you don’t agree with that… I suggest you just go away and keep your thoughts to yourself…

I do what I can to remind myself that things will in fact get better… and sometimes they do… I won’t deny that I really do have some pretty amazing things in my life… but when your body is failing it makes it even harder to enjoy those good things… and that makes me so fucking scared… and yes… it makes me want to run away from everything… it makes me want to end things right here and now so I won’t have to go through this anymore… let alone to have my loved ones have to go through with all the worries and disappointments I’ve brought up on them…
….yet at the same time I want to fucking tell the whole world… for two reasons… and to two different groups of people… The people that hate me so they can carry on the back talking and the lies they seem to enjoy so much… if they wouldn’t… they would have shut them selves up a long time ago… To those people I say… feel free to think what you want… Be my guest and just say “I told you so” out loud while you read this… and then gloat about it with your buddies…

The other group of people… the people that really do care… unconditionally… and the people who are out there and it doesn’t matter if I’m not around all the time… or if I can’t be there for them all the time but come here and read this because they do care …doesn’t matter the reason…

First… a disclaimer of some sort… This is something that it very difficult for me to talk about for various reasons… One reason is that I get all my info from a non English speaking doctors (and or through my wife as I usually…if not always dissociate at my doctor’s office)… another reason… i don’t want people to worry too much… and the third reason…but not the last…. if I think about these things too much I start to worry to much and or sometimes over react and cause myself to get overwhelmed with anxiety that usually makes my mental state become worse than it needs to be… which then won’t help with my physical health and/or strength…

In spite of all that (and more)… i want to try to try to share it with people… instead of keeping it to myself… and especially… I get asked about this a lot… sometimes when i’m not really in good enough mental state to answer… so when that happens I hope people will understand if I either say so …or direct them to this entry to read….

I (and those who were supposed to in the beginning… my parents) haven’t exactly taken a good care of my body…

In my childhood I was malnourished and either living of occasional leftovers or being fed (or “stealing” food) only to be forced to throw it up later… and even forced to eat substances/things that were far from being meant to be consumed by a human …and/or any living being for that matter… I don’t really connect this with my eating disorder later in life… but it’s defiantly where I picked up a few things… but more like a lesson on how to hurt myself… Then again… the eating disorder as such is in fact something that one of my many therapists came up with but I’ve always looked at that part of my life as a form of self destruction… and not really being preoccupied with my weight or of what I eat….

Around the age of 17… I started drinking… At first it wasn’t any more or excessively than the next teenager… but i just didn’t stop… soon the drinking wasn’t enough… so i started doing drugs… at first subscription drugs… then illegal… but by the time i was 23 I realized I had a problem… I went to my first rehab attempt… but soon after i got back home I went right back to my old habits again…. Several attempts of rehab passed and all went the same way… but in April 1992 I was once again fresh out of a rehab center… Remarkably I lasted three months…. but in August that year was when my children were killed… That same night I started drinking and doing drugs again and now sinking even deeper than ever before… using what ever i could get my hands on… and i didn’t care what i had to do to get it…

This left me with a damaged liver… not only directly from the drinking or the drugs… but other factors as well… such as hepatitis and an “incident” that i was involved in which landed me in the operating room and hospitalized for 5 weeks about 10 years ago… and which also according to my GI doc may be the number one cause of some of my stomach problems….

For those who don’t know/remember ….around new years 2002-2003 i had a stomach flu that was going around… my family, wife and kids got it… but they got over it in a few days… I didn’t…. At the time i was already attempting recovery for my eating disorder… and as far as I was concerned i was trying very hard to work on my recovery… but then that (simple) 3 day stomach flu changed that… The aftermath… or rather what everyone (me included at some point at least) believed to be a relapse of my eating disorder….

Finally in April I was hospitalized because of my low weight and severe dehydration… I couldn’t keep anything down… not even water… not to mention the abdominal pain that which by the way, nobody seemed to care about and/or thought that was all in my head… But at the hospital i had an NG-tube put in… which not only didn’t help with the vomiting but also left me severely triggered and having nightmares and flashbacks from my childhood… But they sent me home… and in spite of my effort to “make this work” the nightmares and flashbacks continued… and my weight continued to drop…. and then one night I woke up after vomiting the ensure mixed with blood all over myself…. So I was hospitalized again… and now finally was put through all sorts of testing to try to figure out that maybe there was something else wrong with me other than this all being in my head…

…diagnosis… gastroparesis… and other complications i won’t name…

They decided to replace the NG-tube with a j-tube to by-pass my stomach… At least that helped for a while… and I was gaining weight… but then i started losing again… and I guess “other complications” started to kick in…

…due to other complications… among it… untreatable stomach ulcers… two thirds of my stomach was removed in March

*stops and takes a deep breath*
– “I can’t even do this properly… look at what I’ve managed to write down so far… i never thought i’d be able to do that …to be honest…”

– “…go on… it’s not done yet…”

…actually I wrote that in a reply to a thread about tube-feedings on LB where …in a conversation… i was asked about the reason why i was on TPN…. and shamelessly I am copying and pasting my reply into this journal entry along with a little bit of additional information though…

…my GI tact doesn’t digest food… started with my stomach “giving up” and food would just pile up in my stomach until it just came up… That’s why I was put on a j-tube…. but my bowels started messing up as well… they either won’t contract or do it abnormally …backwards even… I also have abnormality in my intestinal wall …which cause blockage in my bowels… According to my doctor I am at a very high risk of infections …which btw is something that I’ve had to deal with in the past over and over again… perforation and even cancer…

…In the beginning of May my doctor decided it was time for me to get on TPN… I was losing weight…but I was unable to deal with the j-tube feedings no matter how much they slowed it down… or which formula or combination of formula they were pumping into the tube…. as well as having multiple infections and severe pain…

Undoubtedly I have been gaining weight since I started on the TPN… which is good ..in spite of evil eating disordered thoughts every now and then… Although my doctor seemed to have some concerns (I guess he knew better ;)) ….I was really hoping this would be my brake… but well I guess I was wrong and not a doctor…. My liver started making a fuss and rebelling against the TPN…. but according to my doc I can’t be on the TPN for long even though it’s the best option at the moment… The TPN is helping me to get stronger and or giving me all the nutrition that i need… but it is however putting too much strain on my organs especially my liver… which was already in a poor shape… so next month… they are going to be attempting to get my bowels working again or at least working enough so i can go back on the j-tube…

– “This is another one of those entries that maybe start almost in detail and then sort of thin out at the end …isn’t it?”
– “Yes, you’re right… but i’m shaking now… and i can’t deal with this shit anymore…”
– “Ok, I can see that…. but what about the rest?”
– “Later… another time… later… and besides this isn’t over yet… no matter how much I want it to be over…”