very random and from all over…
I had a way too long “nap” today and now i can’t sleep….
i missed a meal… and i don’t know how i feel about it… good or bad…. a little bit of both maybe
there is a thread on a forum i go to that has got me thinking…. titled “People you see posting around, and want to get to know better”
I don’t know which bugs me more…the fact that my list of people I’d like to know better is so very long, given that I have been a member there since December 2002 and for the fact that I really don’t know anyone on there… or that people are listing me as someone they would like to know better….
uhm I guess I am a very difficult person to get to know… I guess it all comes down to the fact that I am a loner… plane and simple…. It’s not very often that I IM a person…. even if i consider that person to be a “close friend” …unless I have something specific to say…
I guess that doesn’t make me a very good friend at all… but this is just the way I am… and it’s not really about the fact that I’m more likely to think that I am bugging a person than anything else… I know by now that is most often just my problem anyway… but it’s more about my inability to hold up a proper conversation… and for the fact that I live in my own little world… and the only real person I make a conversation with is me…
I have no idea if I am making any sense here at all… but I have mentioned before that I don’t really speak in real life… If I can avoid it I will and I would have no problem at all not to speak a word at all for months… I know this isn’t as bad now as it has been in the past… I try to speak now when someone speaks to me… and therapy has been a lot of help… in spite the fact that I hated it at first…. I have come a long way there… but I still have a long way to go…
In a way… I’ve always been like this… I had a few “good years” though… I wouldn’t have been able to teach if I hadn’t… but yet… I still kept quiet pretty much when I wasn’t teaching… —when I didn’t have to speak—
Sometimes I think it would be great to be able to speak… about everything and/or nothing in particular… just speak for the fun of it… but how? and… I panic… and forget… I say something completely out of context or the words just pile up into one big mess that doesn’t make sense… and therefore ….I stay silent….
On-line I usually just get childishly shy…. and my fingers go on typing some weird words and sentences… and my head hoping that I am not making a total ass of myself… but somehow I get through the chat… or if it’s an email that I am writing… i usually have to “write and run”…. just babble something and then hit send… because if I start reading my message over… I edit this …and I edit that…and either it will take me all day to write the email or the email will be just a few words… a one-liner… or maybe even… no email at all…
…and to go back to the thread i mentioned earlier… I have a feeling that the people who want to know me better would be very disappointed
… I’m not even going to think about if they met me in real life… that would be a total turn off I’m sure…
…but like now… i have no idea what I am babbling… I lost my connection/concentration to what I was doing… I guess that’s whole another thing that happens with me a lot… but I won’t bore anyone with that now…
