– “…so you are going to throw everything you’ve fought for out the window now are you?”

yeah that’s what I’m telling you… it still is the only way I know…and it still is the only way that works

– “…are you telling me that you haven’t learned anything? …are you telling me… and everyone else that when you have reached 120 days this is the only way you can think of to cope?”

yes I am… doing something else for distraction isn’t working anymore… because it’s all I think about… the effect…. the feeling… you know…

– “I know? …no I don’t… tell me about it”
Like every thought becomes more clear… every nerve and every muscle becomes more relaxed… and you feel you can do almost anything and nothing is going to brake you…

The thing is that I am frustrated (…or angry, …or pissed off… or irritated… or offended even but I’m using the word frustrated because to me that sort of summes up all those feelings) and when I’m frustrated like that I usually that frustration and take it out on myself because that’s the way it has always been…

*stops and thinks to him self*

– “What a load-of-crap writing is this…its just not making sense… you could just as well come out and say it… YOU REALLY REALLY WANT TO CUT right? …but really do you have any idea why?”

…no I don’t know… that’s true… and so? does it mean that I am going to? who knows? I sure don’t know…All I know is that I really really want to… one way or the other…. actually that’s not totally true… I really really want to do a lot… do damage… not just “a little”….

– “so are you? are you going to?”

that depends…

– “depends on what? ….you really really want to right?”

YES dam-it I do. Why do you keep asking me that?

– “If you do go through with it do you think it will make you feel better?”

In a way it will… yes… It won’t fix everything… I don’t think it will… but it will make me feel better for a while… it will change things…

– “What? that’s not making sense…. !! Will it make you feel better if you’d hurt your self or not?”

Both! I just told you…

– “Ok this isn’t getting us anywhere…. what do you think brought this on… why do you think you feel these needs to harm yourself?”

Hell how do I know? Because I have feelings that I can’t control… at the moment ….frustrations…. anger….

– “Why are you angry?”

How the hell should I know? Because of lots of things…

– “Name one or two… ”

No… I don’t want to… yes… I hate….

– “Hate what?”

You! That talk you do… that positive attitude… that pep-talk you do all the time… when you say things will get better… The thing is it’s all a lie… things won’t get better… I hate the way you make people think we are strong and that way you make people look up to us… be an inspiration to them somehow… like we’re some sort of a super human… we are NOT… and all of that makes things twice as hard… because we CAN’T fail… we can’t be failures…

– OK, you’re not making sense again… Do you or don’t you want to fail …as you put it?

Honestly?… I don’t know…. and really there is not much point us talking about it is there? …and we both know that you will go and tell someone and then they will put us on 5 or 10 minute checks… and then everything will be taken care of… your way… right?

– “Yes… that’s right.”

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