People keep telling me…I am strong…
– “You have been through so much… I could never survive through what you have been through…”
..things like that… and I usually just roll my eyes and pretend they are talking about someone else…
But let me tell you …I don’t feel very strong right now… more like I am lost in a strange forest and that I have been searching for the way out for years with out being able to find it… I admit there have been countless times I’ve almost given up… when I was so sure that I would never over come whatever it was that was going on in my life…
Lately I have been feeling lost… and on the verge of giving up… When you think about it it’s actually quite silly but I am finding it almost too hard to cope with… too hard to do… Of course I knew it would be difficult… I knew I would object ….even throw things… and yes even the anxiety attacks…. but every single time? ….every single meal? (6 to 8 times a day) ….every single bite? … no… that was something i didn’t expect… and I didn’t expect it because I was already set on recovery… I still am in a way at least… yes I still am…because that is what I really want… right?
… I expected it not to be like this… but It’s not like I plan to react the way I do… I actually start the day to tell myself to do better than yesterday… to try harder… but once I am there… I lose control and things just happen… and there is nothing I can do to stop it… and each day seems worse than the day before… Maybe almost a month isn’t much… but I don’t know if I can hold on any longer… if i can continue this way… and that thought alone makes me even more afraid… and more anxious…
– “No!” … he shouted “no, no, no…can’t do this… i can’t!”
The shouting turns in to crying like a 4 year old having a temper tantrum… Someone tries to say something to him but he doesn’t hear it… and he can feel his heart beat rising… and his breathing becomes irregular… it’s difficult to breath… and he’s cold …no he’s too hot…burning up…
Again someone tries to say something…
– “N-n-n no! he stutters… i-i ca-ca-can’t d-do this!” … and he sweeps “the what-ever-it-was” in front of him off the table and down to the floor… and it shatters all over the room…
…and he floats away… into his private world where no one can find him… and blocks out the sound, the smell, the taste of what ever it was there in front of him…
I wrote this a couple of days ago… but never posted it… it’s a very short version of what goes on…. and yes I am ashamed of it… or maybe more embarrassed than I am ashamed… but… it’s just a simple meal… right?
No reason to be ashamed. Shame is a silent killer, and I know I am full of it, but it blocks us from ever going beyond the point where we get stuck. How can we ever get by a road block we can’t see around? We walk around it instead.
It’s not a simple meal.
It’s standing in the doorway to major change wondering if you’re brave enough to take the first step through to see what’s unknown awaiting you on the other side.
It’s easy to step back inside to where you have been. It’s comforting because you know what to expect.
It’s the one small step into the unknown that’s the scary part. One day, all of you will be ready to take that first brave step.
hey there… thought i would stop by as i havent been in here for a long time. i am sorry you are going through such a hard time. i can totally identify to the part where you were saying people compliment you saying you are so strong and how they admire you yet you feel like you are spiraling out of control… you are definitely not alone with this! lately on recovery boards people tell me i am stronger than i think, that they are proud of me, that they applaud me, etc but to be honest, i dont feel strong at all. i feel like the ed is gaining control and despite my determiniation to fight and find recovery im losing the battle… recovery certainly is not easy but i am glad to see you are wanting to get better. shame is a big part of my life too and it only makes me feel worse about myself and many times drives me to tears (lately). be care, take care of you as best as you can, and hang in there. you matter … i (UL) think of you (UL) as a close friend and am concerned …