Yesterday I started having a few psychotic symptoms (which usually happen when my depression acts up)… mostly paranoia at the moment…but I’m just focusing on staying grounded and so far so good (i think)…

Saturday was good… ‘couch potato’ moments in front of the TV, family visits and even a birthday party at the neighbor’s… and dang it… I even had a little birthday cake…

Somehow it made me feel ‘normal’ …not crazy or messed up… It made me feel good about myself…

…and it made me realize that I can do so much more than to sit in front of a computer screen all day which has pretty much been what I have been doing for the last 4 or 5 years at least…. and i must admit… it’s getting a little boring… day after day doing exactly the same thing…. I don’t mean the people… I’ve met a lot of people… people that I consider my friends… people that I can trust and open up to more than I would to any real life person I know… (other than my wife maybe)

But I am bored…. the act of doing it… the act of sitting here on my ass… and not have the self-esteem to do the same in real life…. to talk to people… make friends… I don’t think I’m making much sense…. but it’s that difference between real life… and online life… As it is I only have an online life… I even talk to my wife more through a messenger program on my computer than I do in reality… I want to change that… and also the thing is that I really really want to be out of here before my birthday….

It’s been almost a year since I moved into this place… but my birthday is only a month and a few days away and when i brought this up with my pdoc I didn’t get a straight answer… – “It depends…” he said… …and yes I know that means it depends on how I do until then… and i guess of how well I respond to the latest medication adjustments …but me responding well to medication has been a big problem in the past for some reason…

….We’ll see…. I am going to do what I can…

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