I’m talking about my website… as it is it has way to much ‘stuff’ with little or no meaning to me anymore… not to mention countless files and folders that I’ve started to work on but never quite finished and they’ve just been laying there… like they are waiting for a miracle… for me to finally get in the mood to finish them… but I know that’s not going to happen…

I’m also starting to wonder why I keep most of my older posts up there… The very seldom I go back in time and read those they only bring me down or I feel embarrassed for being ‘so messed up’ …or I start hearing old unwanted feelings calling my name …wanting me to do things I don’t want to do… and will… if I can help it…. not do… EVER AGAIN.

…and then there are entries that announce a new layout… that isn’t even there anymore ….or entries… one or two lines… some are longer, I’m sure …with a broken link or two… and almost nothing gets on my nerves more than a broken link…

– “So what are you going to do about it?”

Well, I’ve been thinking about it for a while now… even started a few times…. Remember when I took the skins down and kept only one up for a few days? Well that was when I was going to do something about it… delete files and old images that I think I’m not using anymore… but I’m not even sure what is in use and what is not in use anymore…

Yeah, I was going to do something about it but I didn’t…

– “Well, I’m asking you again. What are you going to do about it? Are you going to delete your site and start over? …or?”
No, I’m not going to delete my site and start over… nor delete it completely…. sure I have thought about it… but… well there is some really good stuff in there… maybe not good good… but writings that I care about, writings that I like and I can honestly say that I am proud of writing…

– “But?”

…but, like I said, there are also entries in there that I am ashamed of writing, the drama, the pain and how some of them made people worry about me… entries that are about thoughts that I don’t want anything to do with anymore, entries that are about ‘it’ being OK, when it really is not OK…. I can go on… and believe me I do know all of that is a part of my life… a part of who I am today… but I just don’t see the need for this part of my life to be out there on a display like that anymore… Broken links or not… there is nothing more frustrating to find a message in your inbox regarding a 4 year old entry about you wanting to die…with a message that says: “Please don’t kill yourself, there is always a way out….” Yes, that message is true, I know that…. I probably told myself this at the time… but I’m not suicidal anymore… dam-it… in fact I want life so much now that it hurts to think about it… which btw is a good thing and probably a subject for another entry…

I wonder if I will ever do any of that… I admit I’ve changed the status of two old entries from ‘publish’ to ‘draft’ in the recent two weeks… one was a ‘one liner’ with a broken link in it… and the other was a few more lines …but had both links to outside websites (broken) and to entries with in my journal but pointing to my old domain… where this journal used to be… and since I didn’t understand what I was going on about in that entry I couldn’t even figure out to which entries I was referring to… oh and yes I did close that suicide entry as well… in case you’re wondering…

…but oh well… I wonder if I will ever do this…

– “Maybe just push this one to another folder and start over? That’s another option, right”?

True, but you know me… I get ideas …lots of ideas… but very seldom go through with those… I’m all… ‘just talk’ aren’t I?