things are not good…

i’m having a hard time writing about it …and thinking about it…

i’m having a hard time dealing with everything…

– food, triggers, nightmares and thoughts of hurting myself… just enough to make ‘it’ stop…

– my surroundings… walls, furniture falling over me, attacking me… suffocating me…

– fear of people wanting to hurt me in some/any way… looking at me from a far through a telescope… watching every move i make… and stealing my thoughts… hidden messages all over the place…

It’s real… but yet so unreal…

yes it’s easy for me to say that… but what does it mean?

I know it’s real to me because I sense it… I sense the fear inside myself… I see the walls falling down on me… I feel pain when they crumble on top of me….I sense my body being crushed… bones braking… but it’s unreal because I always stand up again… with no broken bones… and not a scratch on me (except bruises maybe from me falling down to the floor)
dam-it…

I know all of this is in my head… I’ve been through this before…and I know… all I can do is to tough it out…
I have the choice to go home for the weekend… but I don’t know if I can handle it… I don’t know if I can control this thing well enough in front of my kids… so maybe it’s best not to go home this time… There will be other weekends… right?

At the same time I wonder… if I don’t go… I feel like I’m stepping away from my dream of being able to go home for good… I wanted to be out of here before my birthday, 25 days away… though right now it seems impossible… Before Christmas? Maybe…

Full effect… three weeks they say… it’s been almost two already… Dam-it! I just need my meds to start working…