yes i’m going to be an attention whore now… and I’m going to ask for words of encouragement… or maybe even a kick in the but… something… I’m not exactly sure what though… but… this is probably a post without much point… I’m not even sure what it is that I am trying to say here… but in I’ve started writing a post on this about 10 times in the past couple of weeks with out a success so this one is going to be write/submit and run… type of post…
For those who don’t know I have been almost entirely depended on tube feedings (and/or IV feedings) since April/May 2003… After having surgeries to ‘fix up’ my gut… I started trying to eating normally again… that was last September… At first I was also on the tube feedings… but now ..actually two weeks ago today…. I had my last night of being tube fed….
Tomorrow is the ‘big’ day… where I will have my j-tube removed… and I am not feeling comfortable about that… not at all…
Now don’t take me wrong… I never liked the tube… but I liked it better than having to deal with food in my mouth…
Before…while i was on the tube… I was ‘almost’ accepting the fact that my days of restricting were over…. I was almost accepting the fact that I was gaining weight and being brought further away from my unrealistic but ultimate goal… and yes, the best of it all… I didn’t have to deal with normal food…
Even though reality tells me that I have to deal with this… that I have to ‘recover’ from this… ‘get over it’… right now… in fact I’ve felt it for a while now…. i fear that I won’t be able to deal with this… I’m not even sure if I want to deal with it… at least a part of me doesn’t…
It’s not so much about the fear of failing… but rather not being able to have the tube to fall back on if I fail… (which is actually quite stupid way of thinking as it…the tube… can always be put back in) but right now I want to just say ‘fuck it’ and refuse to eat…. ‘go crazy’ so they won’t remove my tube…
Honestly if you’d ask… and if I could choose between eating normally and being on tube-feedings only for the rest of my life… I’d pick the tube… I know it doesn’t make much sense…. but i think about it and it hurts beyond words…
