He feels ‘out of place’ again… different from every single person he knows… different from everyone who he was once able to have a conversation with or the people he usually “hangs around with”… They have things to do… places to go… while all he has is being trapped inside of himself… alone with his obsessive thoughts of pain, self destruction and self hatred…
He is afraid… and when he’s afraid he can’t help but obsessing over things… which makes him even more afraid… He is afraid of himself… and he is lonely… and he wonders to himself if things will ever be free… be ‘normal’…
He feels selfish for thinking this way… selfish, because people expect him to stand up straight and not let go… never to go back… dam it… he still is there sometimes… he still has the feelings, the longing… the urges… but he feels wrong about sharing those thoughts… like he has failed somehow…. He can be there for other people… give them his love… share experiences… but… he wishes he could speak up what’s inside of him… he wishes he could accept some of that love and support too… but he doesn’t deserve it… none of it… and he never has deserved it.
He wishes he could speak about how he hates having to deal with his mealtimes… all 6 of them… every day… all the ‘artificial’ bathroom trips… not to mention the frequent ‘must have’ showers, forcing him to look at his deformed body or all the damn complications that are too embarrassing to talk about…
He wishes he could speak about the agonizing pain of wanting to ‘let go of everything’ and just fall back down into the dark abyss he has struggled for so long not to fall into… – and remarkably survived …at least until now – but at the last minute he always seem to find something …some little thought or a voice speaking from the back of his mind… something that gives him one more ray of hope…
He wishes he could speak about the paralyzing fear of not being able to ‘go back’ ever again… without it being his last… And although, deep down, he doesn’t want to die anymore for one because of the fact he can’t possibly find it in his heart to take the risk of his children growing up with a dead father or his wife without a husband… but also out of simple curiosity of actually finding out that ‘maybe he could have a normal life some day’. And at the same time…that curiosity being the most difficult thing in the whole wide world to admit because of all the memories… the ‘lessons’ from his past… and within those thoughts he hears voices speaking…arguing with each other… or firmly reminding him… ordering him to ‘do something about it’…
To let go… or to hold on…
He is tried… His mind is tired and so is his body… He is too tired to fight and too tired to follow the voices… he’s too tired to do anything… none the less the thoughts won’t stop coming to him… and even thought he tries not to listen …it’s all he hears… No matter how hard he tries to push the thoughts away… The thoughts… they come back… again and again… but he knows if he stops pushing them away… if he lets go… even only for a second or two …he will fall …and yet it’s all he knows… sometimes it’s all that matters… He knows how to ‘fall’… and in the past …somehow he has always found a way to get back up… He asks himself: “…but what if he falls now… will he be able to climb back up?”…. Maybe… maybe not…
Probably not………..
