uhm well… blame it on the time of the year… December sucks… uhm even November to February suck …just too many triggers, memories floating around and all they seem to do is hit me in the head when I’m least expecting them… or something… that doesn’t make sense… I know it’s the time but I’m trying to avoid them… and it seems when I actually feel as if I’m succeeding they hit… dam it even a paperclip feels triggering… or the pillow in my bed… silly little ‘harmless things’ grow in to big scary monsters throwing their poison at me in one way or another…

Fuck that… I am going home tomorrow… FOR GOOD! I won’t have to come back here… not even for therapy… (though I will still be seeing my current therapist… just at his regular client office instead) …and in spite the anxiety…. the fear of failing and having to go back … there is no trigger or what ever that can spoil it for me… I won’t let it… I have so far…. and I can make it a few more hours…

In therapy today I told my therapist about what’s been going on inside my head for the last few weeks…. and admitted to him that I have been ‘putting on my happy face’ pretending everything is jolly when it isn’t… I even told him about how much I’ve wanted to hurt myself… but… I don’t think he really got the picture of what I was trying to explained to him … but he said it was normal to be anxious… and didn’t really say much else… but I knew it’s normal already… it isn’t just that… it’s a lot more than that…a lot more complicated… but if I can’t explain it properly i can’t expect people to understand …can I?

  1. Broken Butterfly Wings Gabriel J Arsante 7:27
  2. Coldplay - A Sky Full Of Stars - Piano Cover Gabriel J Arsante 4:30
  3. No. 11 Piano Gabriel J Arsante 2:57
  4. Forever in my Heart Gabriel J Arsante 3:36
  5. Chopin Piano Concerto No. 1 - Movem. II - Romance, Larghetto Gabriel J. Arsante 9:58
  6. Canon In D 2014 Gabriel J. Arsante 2:28