I hear voices… and I have, as long as I remember…. I still believe most of them are ‘good’… They have helped me in the past and they will continue to help me keep my feet on the ground in the future.
I have spoken to them, out loud in the past and I’m sure I will in the future. I’m sure it must seem strange to other people though as for those who don’t know just see me talking to myself.
Hallucinations are somewhat like being in a nightmare except you can’t wake up and everything will be gone… I am thankful for my meds as they help with those…
I have seen dead things become alive… move around and speak, scream at me, wanting to hurt me…. walls moving and laughing hysterically wanting to crush me.
Then there is this thing about messages everywhere…. in what I read, hear or see, like on TV… pointed towards me…
I smell things that aren’t there….
I’ve seen the floor under my feet disappear and nothing underneath… and I would fall down on the floor and scream in fear as I was falling ….endlessly….
I’ve seen monsters/demons from the corner of my eye, waiting to attack me or my loved ones… I’ve seen them spewing fire or poisonous gas with the purpose of killing me or my family…
I have seen *something* rise up from what I am looking at… whether it’s an object or a living being… This something is often dark and bad-smelling. It changes shape and or grows into this enormous giant *thing*… I can’t really describe this as I don’t have the ability to describe it… It doesn’t ever do anything… but yet it makes me feel terrified and believing that I and those close to me are in danger
I’ve felt and seen insects crawling on my skin…. and felt them going under my skin, inside of my body…
People plot against me and/or can read what I’m thinking (if I’m not careful) – my mom said she could read my mind … but she was often wrong so “I must have been good at keeping her out…
This used to be a big problem… but when I got outside (from my home) I felt as everyone was going to hurt me…. at times I could feel someone coming up from behind me and stick a knife in me or see them do that to the person I was with (most of the time my wife or my older sister)…
I also felt people were looking at me constantly…. judging me… thinking badly of me and that made my anxious and agitated… which made the paranoia even worse…
People are poisoning me or drugging me – food tastes funny/weird because people were putting something in my food….
She said I was evil (or diabolico) – A delusion of hers maybe?
I believed her… For a long time I believed I could kill people, just by thinking about them dying…
I’ve struggled with disorganized thinking and because of it I’ve made word salad where what I say doesn’t make any sense what so ever…. I’ve worn my clothes on backwards and well some other stuff I don’t like to mention here…
I’ve been there dear. Very vivid description; can totally relate. Have you ever tried Zyprexa? When I switched from Abilify to Zyprexa I improved remarkably. Just my two cents. I empathize with you. Sending positive vibes your way. <3
I haven’t tried it…no… but I’ve been on Olanzipine which is similar… and that didn’t turn out good for me… My biggest problem is that I cant take meds orally so I have to relay on injections… Liquid form can work too but not reliable because of my short gut issues… My doc has upped the invega and so far that’s working for me
Gabriel J Arsante I think Olanzapine is generic for Zyprexa. Injections sometimes don’t work as well. I’m really glad Invega is working for you. I used to be on Invega for many years and it worked great until my tardive dyskinesia got really bad and unfortunately I had to be taken off of it. I miss it.
as long as you can hold on to your moral compass I believe you will be just fine… Let light and love always guide and protect you my beautiful friend
Gabriel I’m so glad you posted this because now I hear you and understand so much more, your music your writing just amazes me like you’ll never understand, you always say no one knows you really and I know I’ll never get to meet you in person but please never ever forget I do Love who you are exactly the way you are, thank you for being my Paisan. ⭕️❌⭕️❌❤️❤️❤️
Gabriel, thank you for the insight. Sending you a great big guy hug!
I don’t have the right words. I offer my respect and compassion to you. May the peaceful days grow in number and frequency. ❤️
I hope you’re able to get everything balanced out
Gabe, you continually amaze me. You have really put yourself out there and I wish more people could do the same. You have painted a picture of something that I know little about and the way you so eloquently put it all brings a better understanding, as if I’m feeling what you are saying.
I’m pretty sure I’m an empath so I feel everything so distinctly. When people write the way you do, I can feel it and I want you to know that your method of coping, by talking to these things, does work. For years I’d hear the mantras over and over about what a loser I am, fat, ugly, whore, etc. One day it was all boiling over as I was vacuuming or doing something else and I yelled in my head…STOP! I noticed that every time I was doing busy work I’d be having dialogue with these people and our history. Eventually, I noticed that I was speaking out loud to them as I heard them say what they said to me. Some days I just talked back because I’m in control now and they can’t hurt me. Other days I cried as I spoke or I would yell right back in their faces out loud. Eventually, I was able to stop because they lied to me about who I am. I am the strongest badass bitch I’ve ever known, loyal, loving, honorable, honest, hard working, and smart. I’m lots of other great things too but I am human and I have frailties and weaknesses too. It’s normal human being stuff. I push so hard that I break down and I cry and I get angry and depressed. I’m not a bad person, I’m a tired one from performing at such a high level all the time.
Nothing comes easy, I just make it look easy. It sucks but through dialogue to the thoughts that once haunted me, I have learned what is and isn’t normal and what was left over were things I could either fix, deal with, deal with as I fixed them, or leave them be. It’s up to me, the power is mine now and the people who abused me can’t have it back. I am at a place where they’ve been given total forgiveness. I can never be near my ex again because he’s too dangerous to me and I have a lot to live for but I still forgive which is something I never thought I could do.
I’m sending every good thought your way and for the first time, I do hope that you can read this mind and see what a strong and wonderful person I think you are. I hope you can see what lies have fallen upon you and that you can push them from you with all the power you have. It might be small power sometimes but it’s power. Think of an ant and grow your power because today’s and is tomorrow’s man of steel. You have it within you, I hope you continue to find it. If you can believe the lies, surely you can believe the truth that is right there. Grab it and hold it tightly, use it to push through the demons that haunt you. You are going to be more than ok.