Fortunately most people have good childhood memories regarding their parents. That however is something that I don’t really have… My father was never really there as his job required him to travel a lot… but when he was home he locked himself in his office.

Then there was my mother… I used to be able to write about her… about what she did to me… but somehow I am struggling with finding the words… I ask myself questions about forgiveness… whether I should forgive her or not…

Its mother’s day today… It’s hard to hear people talk about their mothers and how much they care for them… All of this reminds me of the hell my mother put me through… pain and torture… and leaving me with horrifying memories.

In the past I’ve wondered why my mother was different… I’ve wondered about the REAL reason for her to take a knife and make cuts on my body… I’ve wondered why she made me stay outside in the cold, night after night… not giving me food for days… making me eat things that weren’t made for eating… I could go on…

I know I can’t proof anything now, but I do believe my mother had schizophrenia… I suspected that long before I was diagnosed… and I knew I had this illness too… also long before I was diagnosed… For years I tried to hide my illness and was actually quite successful at it… Different diagnosis and medication helped. I admit now the main reason I wanted to hide this was because I was scared to death of somehow becoming my mother…

The other day I posted a list of what I have experienced through schizophrenia. I didn’t list everything… there are things that are too ugly and disgusting to share… I’ve seen a lot of those in my mother too… Disgusting/ugly things that both of us experienced or felt… So I ask myself… should I forgive her because she was sick?

Happy mother’s day mother… where ever you are…