There is something that I feel I need to get out of my system… something that happened 9 – 10 years ago… To people who are coming here now… those who did not know me back then, this may seem out of context or difficult to make sense off…
The forums I speak off – which remain nameless in this post – is a place where I had the trust of hundreds of members as an administrator… They saw me as someone who was strong and they looked up to me… but for me this was my lie… I didn’t feel strong at all… I was just a terrified little human and I felt I couldn’t do anything to make ‘them’ understand that…
I need to get as much of this out as I can. I fear this is the very reason why I have been having difficult time to write on here… I have always had fears of what other people may think of me… and I keep excusing myself over and over again… for everything…
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I don’t know what you think of me… or who you think I am… I am trying not to care but I can’t help it… I do care…
I don’t know if you realize how sick I really was back then… especially the past year or so before I disappeared ….probably even longer than that, maybe before our paths crossed… I worked hard to keep my chin up… but inside I felt it was all a show… I felt I had to “put on a show” for you guys… I gave people as much support I possibly could… but held back when I should have reached out for support from you…
I honestly don’t remember a lot off what went on at the forums right before I left/disappeared… but I was tired… Tired of having to fight for life… In addition to my mental health going way down the drain I was also having problems with my stomach that was giving me a hard time as well as the rest of my GI tact… I had two major operations done around that time… one of them (as I felt at the time) leaving me ‘deformed’ and even more ashamed of my body…
I don’t remember in detail what I said or did… or what people thought I had done…. but people started to question me… I had already made a plan to kill myself and what went on there only made it easier for me to leave… I was selfish… and I didn’t care… I didn’t really think at the time as I had already made up my mind… I didn’t think about anyone except myself… except …maybe I did care a little… in a way transferring my own experiences to others… as at the time I felt it was better if people would just hate me as then they would not miss me and/or grief…
I don’t know what went on at the forums after I left… but I know I involved a very dear (offline) friend of mine to all of this… someone who was kind enough to allow me use her web server for my websites as well as the mini-forum… I had full access to the server… I was able to do whatever I could think off; including reading her (and her family’s) personal email and/or even reply as her…
For a while I just “worked with the flow” of pretending to work on my recovery as I wanted to prepare myself and do some serious writing before I went through with my *plan*… I was even on medication that did help with a lot of stuff that had been going on like organizing my thoughts, hallucinations, paranoia and more… which BTW helped me to write what I wanted to say to those I’d leave behind… my wife, my children, my sister and a few more people… all people I knew in the “real 3D world”…
Finally it was time… and well …I failed
I’m not going into any details… but I was in hospital for almost three years total afterwards…
By the time I got out my domains had expired… I didn’t have a backup at hand… I had no idea how to get a hold of anyone I had known online… and quite frankly I still didn’t care… I wasn’t going to get back online after all of this and hurt people all over again…
In a way I learned that I had given people the wrong impression of me… people looked up to me for some odd reason… I never understood that and it made me extremely uncomfortable, especially in the end… then again, at the time I also truly believed that I was exactly what my mom said I was… I don’t think I have to write that out here as I brought this up quite a lot back in the day…. but I guess that’s one of the reasons off why this seemed so easy for me…
I knew people would get hurt… I didn’t care
I knew people would get angry with me… I didn’t care
I knew if people would try to get in touch… I’d just ignore them
…but…
I have learned a lot of things about myself since then…
I have learned that no matter how strongly you believe something it can just be your brain playing with you… and by discovering that… I have also learned that life without having to hurt myself is indeed possible.
I have also learned that I have a long way to go in some areas… In the past two or three months I’ve tried to reconnect with some of my old online friends… With some it has worked and for that I am grateful… However, I don’t really have much to go on other than nicknames for quite a large group of people… some may even still hate me and are not going to reply… That doesn’t matter… really… their choice… but for me… I have to get it out of me…
