First off all my physical health is giving me hell… first… problems with the tube going out of place… so I had to go and have it fixed… then I had an infection nothing major though… just painful and I had to go back yet again… and well my mental health is not that great either at the moment… Therefore I don’t know if any of this comes out the way it is supposed to but I need to at least try…
I want to continue something I started over 15 years ago… I want to try to write a book about my life… Really this was just an idea 15 years ago… However back then, I didn’t even know everything I know today… I do have some pages or events written down already… but I can’t really tell if that’s usable or not…
I feel I do have a problem that I have to face… and that is my inability to tell what is real and what is not real… I know though, that everything I have ever written in the past, for this journal or my handwritten journaling, is what I have felt or thought about at the time it was written… I also know that even though I have tried to be open in my writings there are some things I don’t write about…
I have several entries here in my WordPress that I never posted back in my Thought-Space journal… entries that are either not complete… or entries that are too embarrassing, too ugly or unreal to be out there for the public eye…
I have handwritten journals that go way back to when I was a child… something that I have a very difficult time reading… so that is going to take some while to go through… maybe even too long…
With that said there is also the question of where to begin… and how much to tell, not in terms of revealing secrets but rather the quantity… As I sit down and try to make some sort of a frame or structure to go by I have a feeling this project will end up over 4000 pages or at least more than one book.
I know the only way for me is just to write and worry about everything else later… but I guess I’m still trying to find myself in a way… A long time ago I wrote about being trapped inside of my own head…
“He feels ‘out of place’ again… different from every single person he knows… different from everyone who he was once able to have a conversation with or the people he usually “hangs around with”… They have things to do… places to go… while all he has is being trapped inside of himself… alone with his obsessive thoughts of pain, self-destruction and self-hatred…”
I still feel that way sometimes… like now… but now it’s not about pain, self-destruction or self-hatred… Now it’s more about grieving the childhood I never had… or even those…uhm… almost 49 years of life without fear… without the feeling of having to self-harm… and without guilt… and wanting to tell according to my mother… everything that I’m not supposed to tell….
Really, if anyone reads this… I guess in a way I’m calling out for help on this…. I’d like to hear tips or tricks on how to write ones story… every little thing is welcome… Either go to my contact page or send me an email at gabriel.j.arsante @ gmail.com… I know I’m not really a writer…. and my spelling and grammar are bad… all I know is how to write in my own words but all at random and according to my wife I also have dot syndrome 😉
I’ve been slowly working on my own memoir for the past year or so, and going through a lot of the same things — and also drawing on about 20 years’ worth of blog material and unpublished writing. Right now I’m kinda keeping it in the back of my head and letting it sit there long enough to give me time to get comfortable with whether or not I want to finish and publish it at all (in whole or in part; my big sticking point is that it’s easier for me to write about things that affect only me than to talk about others, particularly my family and certain people from my past). It’s not going anywhere — I can always finish and share it if the time feels right, and if it never does, at least it did me good to write about. 🙂
Good luck my friend. ((((( Gabriel )))))
(((((( Noah))))) I also find it more difficult to write about other people and yes… especially my family… There are also events in my life that I have not yet written about here or even talked about all that much or at all (unless maybe in therapy a while back)… Events that I wrote about in my paper journal either as they were happening or after…
I know I don’t have to include ‘everything’ … and… like you said… even though this will never be published… it does make one feel better once it’s written about… sort of like ‘cleaning your mind’…