So this is what’s been going on with me… the joy of having a chronic mental illness… – Make a notice of the sarcasm…

I am standing face to face with my brain…. heading into a battle… and I am going to win it… once again…

Yes… I have slowly been heading into a relapse of my schizophrenia … At the same time… I realize I’ve been lucky as I have been mostly symptom-free since mid-2012… For about a year now my medication has been at a minimal dosage…. just enough to keep away symptoms …and for the most parts… low enough for not giving me nasty side-effects to deal with….

There has been a lot of things going on with my health lately… starting with my stomach quitting on me again in April/May and getting the tube… and the tube making my stoma overactive so I had to wake up in the middle of the night to empty the bag… or I’d wake up with poop all over the place … For the most parts that’s all better now… but I still wake up during the night after 3-4 hour sleep… though most of the time I can go back to sleep right away… However it’s not the same as the 7-8 hours I clearly need…. and I’ve been having random pain/inflammation in my gut… and then esophagus spasms and other problems with my upper GI…

This is sort of the same thing that happened (Pain and GI problems of some kind) when I was first diagnosed with Schizophrenia… that is… starting with my physical health going downwards…. except I wasn’t on any meds for psychosis at the time and well ….I was being secretive about it then… and didn’t tell anyone though it was obvious that something was going on especially in the end…

But yes…. Lately I’ve been having some old familiar symptoms of my schizophrenia… more than usual… It’s actually something I can always expect and nothing unusual if you have schizophrenia… I’m still fighting it and well…. I am still here and mostly…. realizing what is real and what isn’t… I’m also making sure everyone around me knows what’s going on inside my head… ‘Everyone’ being my family… my wife and my kids…

Over the last couple of days… truckloads of fear… I know I am slipping… and fast… Right now I’m still here… obviously… I have been having problems sleeping…. I didn’t sleep much last night or the night before that… Right now I’m on an emotional rollercoaster on overdrive… I am hearing voices in my head telling me to do bad things (to myself)… and it feels like everything is my fault somehow… For those who have been following my blog the longest know from my past history that this is a big red blinking warning sign…

I can assure you that I am NOT going let that happen…. I will do anything in my power not to hurt myself…. ever again… and I really do believe I can win that battle… and with that said I know what I have to do to prevent that from happening… This is why Sunna has made a call to the psych-ward…. I can come in tomorrow afternoon (after 1 o’clock something)….

I don’t know how long I will be there …but I will be back…

To all of you out there…. Thank you for being you…. Just because….