I’ve been seeing a doc who wants to maybe operate on me and attempt to make it easier for me to swallow and speak …but it’s risky as this might not work at all and messing things up even more for some parts if things go wrong…

Ever since this and the damage that came because of it I’ve had problems with swallowing and speaking… some of it is physical… but some is psychological…

I did have problems with both before…. different maybe… but it’s been there all my life… I’ve stuttered as long as I remember… and those who followed my blog back in 2001-2005 know I have had issues with eating in the past… in so many ways I’m still fighting that one… Maybe not for ALL the same reasons as back then… but in a way it is based from the same root… words and actions from my past that are engraved into my brain….

I do remember when I got my first tube ….not the NG tube though … as that was awful and horribly triggering… I did have mixed feelings about it as I wanted two opposite results…. one… not gaining weight as it would make me take up more space than I deserved… but at the same time knowing I was making people that cared about me worried and the other I didn’t have to force myself to eat…

I did have issues that I don’t have now though… but I still have issues with eating… or fear… I realize those fears may not really be about the food and the actual eating…. but instead… of triggers… memories that are attached to food and eating…. in every bit of the way you can think of…. I do know my fears are in so many ways irrational…. and may seem strange to most people…. but it is easier said than done to change that….

I have been on tube feedings since May this year… This is not because of swallowing difficulties however….but as in the past my stomach is the cause of it…

I’ve been drinking water orally though… but my doc said that I had to at least try to keep swallowing no matter what…. to keep those muscles working… I know I haven’t been doing as much of that as I should…

Recently though… I have been trying liquid diet mostly… drinking fluids… and soups… but also some solids… tiny bites and chew them well…. Because of the gastroparesis so there are foods that I have to avoid as they will cause me pain… This is where another kind of fear comes in…. the fear of chocking on the food…. which happens sometimes… quite often if I’m honest… and if it was only for to be rid of that I’d go for a ‘fix’ anytime…

Before it comes to an actual op… I need to go through all kinds of tests or whatever…. so the doc will get a better idea on how he might be able to help…if at all… I know the idea is to try to fix parts of my tongue, soft palate… the roof of my mouth and maybe back of my throat as well… It’s all a big mess in there BTW…. but I don’t know at this point what can be done… or even if I want to go through with this at all…

This is one of the things in my life that I have so many mixed feelings for… feelings of sometimes wanting ‘it’ and other times not wanting ‘it’…. That may not make any sense at all…

I’ve been having sessions with a speech therapist for a while now…. uhm almost ever since I woke up after *it* …with three setbacks though… three ops…. two shorty after and one last year…. but I’m NOT making as much progress as I should have according to the goals set… both with swallowing and speech…. Maybe my mind is preventing progress…. most likely it is… I don’t think it’s on purpose though…. I don’t know….

I do think I will be having this operation no matter what or how I think about it…. that is if the doc thinks it might help…. In a way I don’t feel I am capable of choosing not to go through with it… or even to have it…. so I will just go with the flow…. and hoping where ever the flow goes… it will be in the right direction….

I know this post is very rambly and out of context…. sorry for that…. sometimes it has to be…