A big bright room… too bright… a piano… He’s alone in there… There is window but it’s dark on the other side… but he knows she’s there… and a man he has never seen before…
He’s tired… and he’s hurting… but in spite of the pain he knows he has to sit down and play for them…
He pauses for a second or two… but then sits down at the piano and waits for the sign…
He wants to do well…
He starts playing….
39 years later… about 5 or 6 days ago… he is…. like so many times before… going through some of his old recordings… He comes across this piece again…. but he knows he is in no shape to listen to it…
He has been fighting depression… Even though he may smile or laugh occasionally he’s depressed as hell… Sometimes he just sits and stares into thin air… His body feels heavy… and he’s unable to move… or like something is on top of him pushing him down… he can’t get up… he feels sad ….or hopeless…. tired… old….
Memories from his past jump out of nowhere…. when they are least expected…
He listens….
He hears voices… not the one that he normally hears… but voices from the past…
This is the time when he doesn’t want to exist…. He has bad thoughts…. thoughts that have almost destroyed him in the past…. and it makes his anxiety go sky high…. and he feels a whole lot of guilt…. for almost everything… even things he knows deep down are not even close to being his fault…. He tells himself his thoughts are not true… but it doesn’t change the effect they have on him… they are still too strong… they feel too real to ignore….
He turns of the music… or maybe the piece just finished…. He walks into his living room… to his piano… sits down… and plays…. He can feel her behind him… the pain when she ‘does what she has to do’ …but he keeps on playing… His body aches… from top to bottom… but he keeps on playing…
I need my brain to understand… it can’t let those memories take over… consume every nerve in my body… every cell… and leave me broken for days thereafter…
I want to be able to sit down and play without reliving events from my past… I need to do that… for me… and me only….
This recording was made today… It isn’t perfect…. it wasn’t done effortlessly …or without an unwanted and painful memory from the past… Someday it will be…
