Had a cardio and lung test yesterday…. had to be on this cycle machine thing for…what seemed to be hours… I literally thought I was going to die…. and I was still shaking from all of that last night… and now aching all over…. I guess I’m not in a very good shape physically…
I have been fighting depression for a long time through my life or since I was about 13 …I’ve been put on all sorts of antidepressants or combination of meds to help me out but nothing has really worked… The only thing that seems to get me out of depression is electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) or shock treatment…. I know this might sound quite scary to a lot of people but this has literally been a lifesaver for me…. The last time I had this was in 2007-2008 where I had this done several times… three times a week for four weeks and a follow up with more time in between…

The ECT (like the normal antidepressants) is not a cure though unfortunately…. so now… 6 years from my last treatment the depression is paying me a visit again… It has been slowly creeping in since spring this year maybe before that… I may not seem depressed on here though… but lately I need to put all my energy to get up in the mornings and do what I am supposed to do… those little everyday things that most people do….

In the past I have gone ‘downhill’ pretty fast once depression hits me… The current plan is that I will be having ECT treatment in next month… starting Nov 24th…. They were going to schedule this on the Monday the previous week…but I said NO as I don’t want this as my birthday present 😉

I have no idea at this point how the time frame for my ECT treatment looks like…if it will actually happen…. all I know is that it will at least take 3 weeks… I will get a brake over the holidays… and I will most likely have to have some after Christmas as well as a follow up and relapse-prevention…

As much as this is a lifesaving treatment for me there are some side effects…. and which I have had problems with in the past…. but for me this has messed with my memory quite a bit… most of it comes back though…or has in the past… except for maybe events that happen shortly before and happen during the treatment…

There is no denial that I have problems with remembering things…. but quite honestly I don’t think I can blame all of that on ECT or something else… I have other diagnosis… mental disorders…. that are known to mess with people’s memory…

Another ‘side-effect’ if you can call it that… is that this puts quite a bit of a strain to one’s body…. heart, lounges and teeth… My lounges seem to be working fine…. As for my heart… according to my doctors I am at “high risk” given my medication and my family history…. My dad died from his third heart attack at age 62… but he had his first at age 53….

I have had regular checkups and they seem to be fine most of the time… though I have been having irregularities with my heart in the past especially if my medication is being adjusted and recently…. when in rest I feel my heart is beating too fast….

Now at the beginning of this year I had all my bottom teeth drawn… or what was left of them…. and some reconstructive work done on my jawbone bone graft and gum tissue repaired…. And at the end of this month I had another oral surgery…. where I had dental implants put in or what will serve as the base for my future teeth…. as for now I only have temporary teeth and won’t be getting permanent ones until after the ECT… again… if it happens….

However even though I will have protection for my teeth during the procedure… something might go wrong….. I have had my teeth crumble apart during one of those in the past…. and that wasn’t a bad one :/ …not to mention the fact that this also puts quite a bit of pressure on the jawbone as well….

There are lots of things to consider…. and even though I have a date set for the treatment there isn’t really any certainties that it will take place… I have been a lot worse in the past than I am now…. btw…. I am not suicidal or anything like that… not yet anyway and I hope it won’t come to that as I try to focus on my family to keep me going… For the same reasons I also have to fight other thoughts…. negative thoughts…. even somewhat self-destructive thoughts… which call for even more negative thoughts….

I feel I should lay low and not ‘bug’ people with my problems…. I feel irritated when people try to get me to do simple things…. when they want me to speak…. even showering and changing my bad is becoming a problem…. going to the center is a problem now …a place where I stay while my wife is working…. really a safe place for ‘crazy’ people like me… where I have had speech therapy and the ‘normal head issue’ therapy….

In the past I have talked about wanting to dig a hole in the ground… crawl in to it and stay there until it’s safe for me to come out…. I know I can’t really do that…. I can’t stay in my bed either… or refuse to do what is expected of me…. even though I have to use all the energy I can find within me and then some…. to do it and fight…. FUCK you depression!