There is something inside of me so I feel I must try to write in an attempt to get it out of there…
This day, January 17th 1995… or 20 years ago I did something that I have had to live with ever since… something that I have regretted and would do anything to take it back… to somehow be able to go back to the hours before it happened and change the chain of events that led to it…
This involves a car, alcohol and two people I loved. I was the one driving… I was drunk, Chris, my best friend and my sister Maria, where in the back seat… none of us wearing a seat belt…
I remember only bits and pieces…
Afternoon January 16th… Chris and Maria were looking for someone to drive them to a party… They said they weren’t going to stay there for long, maybe for one drink and then go back home as this was in the middle of the week and Chris had school the day after…
Chris asked me if I could do this for them… My father was there and said since I was fresh out of rehab it wouldn’t be such a good idea… I guess something in me snapped when he said that and even though I knew he was right I agreed to do this for Chris and Maria… I told my dad not to worry and asked him to trust me on this…
We arrived… I told Chris and Maria that I was just going to wait in the car and they went inside… a few minutes later…. someone came and invited me inside for a coffee. “Help yourself”, she said. Once I got in someone else offered me a drink… and without even hesitating just a little bit I accepted… and… I don’t know how many after that… however I made sure Chris and Maria didn’t see me drinking. They were also quite drunk that night so when it was time to go back home they didn’t notice… It was a few minutes after midnight when we left the party….
As we walked to the car a thought crossed my mind… I remember thinking that we would most likely not make it home in one piece…
I don’t remember the exact moment of the crash… maybe a little while the car was still rolling… I remember looking for Maria and Chris as they weren’t in the backseat… lots of glass… I managed to get out… panic… I saw Chris… he was under the car… I felt sick… and remember thinking he must be dead… Then someone came and said something… and the next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital…
My father was in the room when I woke up… I wasn’t sure at first if what had happened was a dream or not so I asked him. He told me I should “pray for Chris and Maria to live” and then he walked out…
I only had a bump on my head, a few minor cuts and bruises… I was discharged from the hospital around noon…
Chris left the hospital many months later stuck in a wheel chair for the rest of his live. We never really got Maria back…. She lived for 4 years…. unable to take care of herself…. She suffered a severe head injury in the crash that left her with brain damaged. She was unable to control her body and needed 24 hours of care. She died because of me March 20th 1999 at age 31. Chris died two years later.
It’s been a long time since this happened… 20 years… this day always brings out the memories… the fear at the time of the crash… shame and guilt… self-hatred…. anxiety… and fear… and words from my childhood… which make those feelings multiply in size… the shame… self-hatred…
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It’s been both ways today… up and down… I had some problems sleeping last night… had my meds like usual and went to bed… I don’t have to take those every night… but they help me relax and that usually means I can sleep through the night without feeling like a zombie when I wake up… Last night I did fall asleep soon after I got in… But woke up again… I don’t know what woke me but I felt afraid… panic almost… it took me some time to calm myself down… I know that when something like this happens I’m supposed to wake Sunna up… I didn’t want to at first… as I had other thoughts… preventing me from “doing the right thing”…
Morning was ok… we went to Sunna’s parents… and we stayed there for a couple hours going through old photos…. Then we got back home… and did stuff around the house… talked to friends in far countries… and Emma… played my piano… pretty much a ‘normal’ lazy Saturday…
And for the last two hours or so I’ve just been writing my way out of this day…
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This is something that I have been playing a lot over the past few days… Chris and Maria loved this song… and I have memories of them involving this song…
For those you are on my Facebook… this is a new version… and I hope it’s better than the others I’ve already posted….
{{{{{{{{Gabriel}}}}}}}} Although my words are woefully inadequate, for what it’s worth ~ I Love You my Dear Friend …
Oh, bless you my friend….I wish I could take you back…wish i could take away all those feelings, thoughts…but, just know, there is a reason they are called accidents…..I do believe Chris and Maria knew you loved them and would do anything to change it…In the end, all I can do is send a virtual hug, and tell you, I am so sorry….
I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to write this…to get through the day. Know that my thoughts are with you…no words can soothe you but I admire your resilience despite …all of this…thanks as well for visiting my humble home.
You have a way with words that touch the soul, you’re playing is amazing! Love, hugs and all that jazz to you Gabriel.
Beautiful job with that piece! Love, love, love.
That’s a heavy load to carry. I’m sorry that happened to you. Provided you’ve made sincere amends where called for, regardless of how they were received, it’s time to forgive yourself. Not just for you, but particularly for Maria. Is it fair that you survived and didn’t do your best to find some contentment in every day (not judging, I’m far from perfect at it)? A wise woman once told me that my guilt over past actions long gone was selfish. She pointed out that it took away from what good I could be doing in the moment. It drew me in and drained my energy. She was right .. and that different context ‘allowed me’ to forgive myself. That was what I had thought would be the selfish thing to do. I had it backwards.
Lynn,
Beautifully stated. It is not possible to change the past. It is what it is. All we can do is “be” the best that we can be and try to make a positive difference in the lives of others. I believe you are here with us for a reason. You make a difference in the lives of others on a regular basis. Your life is a gift that enables you to continue to share your music with so many. You have made a positive difference in my life. I have enjoyed your posts, photos of your Country, your home and your family. Most of all, I have enjoyed your giving spirit and the music that you have shared with so many. You are a treasure and you have a beautiful family. Gabriel, I cherish you and respect you so much. Sunna is a treasure and she selflessly keeps us in touch, even when you can not. What an incredible bond you share. My heartfelt thanks to you and Sunna for all that you are.
<3
I’m thinking of you….
Bless you Gabriel J Arsante
Gabriel, I remember this post from the days of MASSF. I think about it and you often. Sending you positive thought. Would he still want you to be punishing yourself? Just food for thought.
Thinking of you both. Love and hugs xxx
In order to allow yourself some degree of forgiveness, you must trudge down the road of the three Rs. 1. Take RESPONSIBILITY for what happened. (Done) 2. Show REMORSE for what happened. (Done) 3. REPAIR the cause for what happened. (Done). How long is your road? It seem to me that you ha
Forgive yourself….it’s time….you are loved and cherished….beautiful music, bea soul