yep it’s that strange guy that never really writes anything on here anymore …but now needing attention… and whining… sorry in advance for the long and incoherent ramble…

I am in a bad place mentally at the moment so I’ve been kind of avoiding Facebook as much as I can… but on top of that and the usual discomfort-ness… mental and/or not… I’ve been having tubie problems and stoma problems… and it hurts like a bitch.. no worries though it’s being treated the best way it can be… and it’s making me very cranky… which again makes me want to stay out of people’s way or even crawl into a hole and stay there alone…

I had a doc appt this morning… can’t remember half of what went on in there… but I have a few things lined up for me in the fall… that is if my liver decides to behave… so far so good and blood tests didn’t look to bad… but it’s something they want to keep a close eye on for a bit before deciding anything else… First fun day will be endoscopy of the esophagus …and then again depending on the endoscopy results and my organs (especially Mr Liver) – first step – esophageal dilation… but I may also need some re-constructional work done temporary or not… or whatever … there that poor doc lost my attention….

I know however that there is also a plan on more re-constructional work to be done of the back of my throat and neck

and well… the fun isn’t over… but my dentist wants most of my top teeth out… and yep more re-constructing there as well…

I feel like an old building that is falling apart…

Right now I just want to forget all of that shit… I want “it” to leave me alone for bit… but at the same time I want to be able to eat my cooking or have a hot dog or a pizza with my wife… even a cup of coffee… but then again… even if I go through with all of what needs to be done for me… there is no real guarantee of me being able to do that…

I know I will probably not get very old… with my physical dysfunctions playing the biggest part… – or if I do get old – I will end up with dementia and Alzheimer’s

But there is so much I want to do… yes eating normally is one of them

It may seem silly but I’ve been trying to write… my “story” ….memoir… or something like that… I randomly write about a moment… and I find myself drifting back and forth in time… A little bit here and a little bit there… but my brain won’t make it into a coherent sentence or paragraph… and I am scared I won’t live long enough to be able to finish that…
…and btw I really want a cigarette at the moment…. haven’t had one since May sometime I think…. not going to though… but still.. it’s not helping with my cranky-ness…