OK so… I lost my cool this morning… and made a boo boo… I had a difficult night… kept waking up… feeling scared… vivid ‘bad’ dreams… coughing …not any more than I have been for the past few days though… but it hurts each time… sometimes less… sometimes more… and people hovering over me… really… just nurses doing their job …but when you have a mental illness like me… they become something more… You could call it a monster from your past… or a distorted image coming from your brain… or both…
I did get a good 3 hours of dreamless sleep though …early in the morning… but woke up…. I only have bits and pieces… someone speaking to me… maybe… or a little before… I ripped out my NG tube and pulled on the tubes in my chest… They gave me medicine to calm me down… restrained for a while… and out of it… while fixed up and checked for damage… got to see a shrink… unfortunately not my regular… so :/ …but I did what I could…
I’m not going to let this bring me down though… I’ve been through worse… more humiliation… felt more shame… and even though I can’t promise it won’t happen again… I’m putting this out here…. knowing I’m not the perfect superhero… I will do what I can… and then maybe a little more… because I have to…
You inspire people and make the world a better place Gabriel. More than most can say. I am sorry hospitalization has been stressful. Very understandable.
Glad you are ok now!
Super trooper xx
Now is not the time to beat yourself up, Gabriel. Heal now, beat up later.
Prayers still coming your way.
a super hero if ever I knew one!!
As I said before, all we can ask of you is you try to get through this the best you can, you’re 1 of the strongest people I know and if anyone can make it through to the other end, you can. Keep fighting and keep believing and together with the love and support of your beautiful family and amazing friends you’ll get there, maybe not in 1 piece, but in as few as possible. Lean on us, we’re here for you, for whatever you need, you have so many people that care for you, are rooting for you and are waiting on your return. Luv ya my dear friend x
Gabriel how you haven’t had this happen sooner just shows how strong you are and how strong your beautiful family is. You need to let yourself heal with the help of you beautiful and strong family and all your wonderful friends in your real life and cyber life. Allow yourself to take it easier on yourself and give yourself a break. With all the shit you’ve dealt with in your life most people would of broke years ago and yet you continue to fight each and everyday. I love you Gabriel and Sunna the strongest couple I know. Hugs and positive healing vibes coming your way sweetie
Lifting you up in prayer and praying for healing & peace…Your going through a lot, it’s to be expected…Don’t give up the fight! Hugs!!
You are, without a doubt, a Superhero, {{{{{{{{Gabriel}}}}}}}} & I am so thankful to be part of your cyber-Family. Please don’t beat yourself up…ever. Love you & {{{{{{{{Sunna}}}}}}}} more than words can express
Of course you are Super and a hero!!! You are human! Things like this happens! Everyday is a new beginning! Do what I do, take one day at a time, and dont be so hard on yourself! You can do this, and you will!! {{{{hugs!!!}}}}
You are my superhero:) You got this Gabe. Superheroes always stem from real people who overcome great obstacles and help others in the process.
Gabriel you are fighting a battle and winning. Keep it up champ! <3
Being in your circumstance without a MI would be more than many could handle. You’re doing it! Hang in there .. you’ve got this!
Here ya go Gabriel and Sunna XOXOX
Yes you are a SUPERHERO! And yes you WILL get thru this and be even a greater SUPERHERO! I’m sure everyone feels just like I do and wish so much we could somehow make this easier for you, my dear friend. You have been through more than anyone I’ve ever known and have been SO STRONG! Rest as much as you possibly can… ????????????
<3
Gabriel J Arsante what you are going through is near impossible for anyone without any illness other than the one you are fighting. Now the healthcare staff has seen this MANY times. I am an ICU nurse and its safe to say if each patient only lost it once it would be a surprise to me. Sleep deprivation in the hospital is well documented and causes psychosis, and in our hospital, patients going through this kind of surgery is given halloo while they are going through the worst of it. The longer the tubes are in, the more sleep you lose, the longer sleep deprivation or ICU psychosis is a problem We give Haldol on a regular basis, and or Ativan. They receive it until tubes are out and they can sleep a regular night. Your doing a good job, this is a difficult process for EVERYONE who goes through it, and all you can do is the best that you can. They might want to give you more Ativan at night…something that works for you. Some say they don’t get REM sleep but they need to keep trying to help you get REAL rest. Your in my prayers today!!! For rest and comfort!!!!
Yeah… I can’t say hospitals are a good place to get proper rest… at least not for me… ICU especially… and even though I’m out of there I’m still being checked on and probably not getting enough sleep… which usually on any normal day would leave me with my mental illness acting up… and well I can’t really say this was the first time I do something like this … so I know this shouldn’t come as a surprise really… I’m ok with this now… or accept the fact that it happened… just one of those things… but the NG tube is out…. thankfully… but that one has been a big trigger for me in the past….
Yeah they have me on Ativan…. it has helped me in the past… especially at night… I’ve also been on Haldol in the past for the schizophrenia… but had to switch to different medication last January… or Invega… I know they gave me something extra to calm me down yesterday… don’t really know what …but sometimes it just works better for me not to know…. and for now… this time it is…
Your doing a great job, especially with the history of Mental illness. The best thing you have done for yourself is you learned about your illness and paid attention to its symptoms triggers ect. That is the only way to get the best of any illness, is to be on top of it. I have cared for many people over 30 yrs in an ICU and I will tell you mental illness or none, they all at least have one day they lose it. You cant have the cocktail we serve up and not lose it. No sleep, pain, lsolation, deprivation. OMG it doesnt matter your mental history on that surgery its tough no matter who has it. But they should have known because you told them your histoy, you would need Ativan and Haldol until the tubes and the sleep deprivation went away!!! They learned though they need to give you more assist, I just wish they would have helped you prior so you werent led to that cry for help. All those tubes are PAINFUL who can sleep with them let alone all the interruption.Glad your on the right road now
well… there is a bit more to the story of why they didn’t give me anything sooner… but yeah they have all my history…both mental and otherwise… I’m doing better now though… still have some tubes in… and some ‘downer’ stuff… but my phrase for the day has really been “fuck it” and that seems to be helping….
That makes ,me laugh. ..If I was your nurse we would have had a good time, I was always enjoying my patients their wives and children. I made a wonderful healing environment that included fun, smiles as that helps healing!!! I would also know when to close the curtains leave the patient alone, dont allow anyone in for treatments and give them a period of uninterrupted rest!!! Continue to keep you and your family in my prayers!!!