He sits down… opens up a blank document and starts to form the first sentence in his head… He starts writing… he writes… and he writes… It goes on for about an hour… maybe more…
but writing about it won’t make it go away… Sheer determination won’t make it go away either…. any more than ignoring it will… or trying to hide from it…
…so he deletes it… and starts again…
…a few times….
The Super Hero is feeling lost…
It’s day 16 from the surgery… and he’s not eating yet… Tube… not up to the same rate as before… weight is dropping accordingly… (not of any concern yet though)
He tries to put it into some kind of realistic perspective… This is what you want, right? … Yes I think so… You “think so”? No… I know so…. Are you sure? – Uhm…. no…
That’s why…. right? You’re still not sure….
Of course he’s not sure… this is ‘normal’ to him now… and his ‘normal’ is safe… He’s used to it now… well most of the time he is…
Again… like so many times before… she has a hold of him again… or is it the other way around? Was that guy at the hospital right maybe?
He know he has done some pretty messed up things in the past…. He doesn’t need anyone to remind him…. or to tell him that…. especially someone who is supposed to help him… a medical professional…. It’s enough that people… normal people…. make a mockery out of people like him… and he’s yet again reminded of ‘it’…. He tries hard to keep his cool…but can not be silent… he speaks from his heart… from his soul… but the anger boils within…
If only we could go back nine years and trade places with me… you would feel it too…
No! be thankful it’s not possible… be thankful for not ever having those feelings… but please do not judge… simply because you don’t know what it’s like…
I’ve made attempts to write about it in the past…. I have written about it but without explaining … leaving out the details…. leaving out the whys… the hows….
Only a few people know…. and only a few people need to know…
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I don’t even know if any of this makes any kind of sense to anyone who doesn’t have the full story… and right now I really shouldn’t care…
I am still working hard to keep my cool…. Most of the time I succeed…. at least that is what I try to let people see… the calm and cool me… but well I did kind of lose it for a minute or two a few days ago …which btw I’m told… thankfully…. I’m not the first person who does that after a surgery like this… and ok…. I’m over that now… shit happens and all that… right?
But I do have another problem or an issue I need to solve… and no matter how hard I concentrate on ‘doing it right’… my cool flies off and leaves me in an out-of-control mode and my head filled with memories… the kind I don’t want to remember…. Shortness of breath (which btw is not exactly a good thing when you just had your lung collapsed and reinflated) raising heartbeat and shivering ….
Overcoming memories of terrifying events from your past…. Some of you who read this may be thinking something like… He can go and have a major surgery like this and he’s letting childhood memories upset him! …well duh! If only it was that simple…. or…. Maybe it is that simple…
I believe I wrote a little bit about this
back in February after having one of my moments and refusing to go to the dentist… Yeah I didn’t say it in that post back then… but that was what inspired me to write it in the first place… fear of going to the dentist… In fact it’s not just dentists…. more like everybody and everything where I know strangers will be touching my body… doctors, nurses… etc… but this especially goes for anything that has to do with my mouth… and each time… it brings up memories… very unwanted memories…. and the faces of the strangers change… the surroundings change… the air… the voices…. and I become a child… a child who is scared to death…. a child being tortured by his mentally ill…. delusional mother…
These reactions are not intentional… and right now it’s preventing me to from being able to eat again…. My brain is working overtime to keep me out of danger… away from trauma… and I feel the more I try to make it stop… the stronger it gets… For now… even dealing with it doesn’t make it stop… or go away…
It is very common when you are going through something very traumatic, which by the way an esophagectomy is VERY traumatic…to review the trauma in ones life. It is NORMAL for anyone and EVERYONE to question did they do the best thing. Especially when your tired, physically tired with no real sleep. No real sleep until you have no pain. You chose life!!! Without that surgery you would not continue to eat either, oh, maybe a short time, but my grandmother died from esophageal cancer without the surgery and Ill spare you her end of life days. She couldn’t eat…there were tubes!!!You chose a way to live on after this cancer, so did you do the right thing, well yes, you did what you had to do to stay here with your family. You did what was right for you. I might mention, my grandma lead a healthy lifestyle, no drugs no alcohol, stayed thin, (was a bit mean) but was healthy and still she had esophageal cancer. So those who throw a past in your face, you have permission to remind them of all those who did nothing in their life but live a good clean life, and they still die from cancer EVERYDAY!!! So you weren’t they type to stand outside the fire, you have enjoyed life!!! Don’t let THEM make you sorry!!!