Last night I posted vaguely on my Facebook wall about something that happened earlier in the day…
“Not a very good day today for me….
Mental Illness/PTSD/Schizophrenia combined with physical pain and impaired body function…. not to mention when your ‘equipment’ decides to rupture and blow your body’s waste all over you… and at a time like that… all you can do is to sit down on the floor in a fetal position and cry until your better half comes along (from work) and helps you out…
Let’s hope tomorrow will be a better day…”
I was at the Center…. The Center is a place I go to when my wife is at work… It’s a place a “safe house” where I get my to meet other people with the same/similar mental illness I have… in person socializing (which is a big challenge for me)… and all sorts of activities…. assistance to get education at any level/seminars or pretty anything you can think of given it is available in the area and the given time…
For me this place is a safe place…. or as safe as anything other than my home can be for me… I’ve had meltdowns like this before… both there and at home (and elsewhere)… I’ve felt physical pain before… actually it isn’t that bad now… comes and goes and I have pain meds to control it…. I’ve also had a ‘blow out’ from my ostomy bag many times since I got my ileostomy in 2004…
I know that lately I’ve been stressed… and I’ve been fighting my mind with everything that I have… In a way all the stress that’s been building up in me lately caught up with me yesterday…. and with a vengeance…
Since my surgery I have had to take naps during the day… and I have this little private space at the center with a recliner where I can lay down… Like the two days before I got in my recliner and fell asleep…. I can say I was very tired… more tired than the couple of days before as I didn’t sleep too well the night before….
All of this didn’t happen over a long period of time…. maybe only an hour and a half… two hours…. For me though… it felt like a lot more than that…
I did have vivid dreams… I can’t really remember them but I do remember being scared in that dream… I woke up feeling anxious… believing I heard someone whisper my name… some thoughts of paranoia as well… I remember feeling like someone was watching me through a tiny hole on the wall… and I spent some time running my eyes through the surface of the walls and the ceiling before being fully wake… and not quite sure where I was….
Somewhere in that unreality I did notice my clothes were wet under the blanket… and I knew it was from my bag…. and for a brief moment I was there in the ‘now’ … only to zone out again…
I was somewhere else… far away from that room… Somewhere in my past… A vague memory but yet so clear… feeling alone and afraid…. and ashamed for breathing and taking up space…. ashamed for existing….
I know now people/staff at the center tried to talk to me… but I didn’t respond to them… I just couldn’t…. at some point I did try… but something in me silenced my words… turned off my brain for the outside world and every muscle in my body felt weak and disabled… All I could do was to cry uncontrollably…
I know someone called my wife… and in case you didn’t know…. she is probably the one person who can make me do anything… I trust her 100% and then some…
I heard her getting inside the room… I felt her presents…. and slowly I gained control over my body again… and I could pull myself back to the future… still crying… sitting on the floor… with poop all over me… I felt her sitting beside me… holding me in her arms whispering our ‘safety code’ into my ear…
I felt safe again…
Gabe, There is someone watching with open arms always. Not sure if you realize it but we have a Father who really cares for us. He really wants to have a relationship with us but many of us don’t give Him the time of the day. After all how can you have all relationship with someone you never really knew!
You don’t need anything but all book called the Bible. My suggestion is to start reading it at the book of John. You will be surprised to see just how He will talk to your soul. It might help to also start with asking for Him to open a path between your heart and your head. It’s only about 18 inches but some people like me, have a blockage that needs to be removed. He answers these type of prayers and will show Himself to you in ways you can’t refute!
For me it was the gift of a wife and it sounds like you are in the same boat. Peg is my Godsend. I don’t know what I would have done without her. We got married and I have been blessed since. She came to know the Lord and life went on. We had 3 children, the third my daughter Jenny. Jen was born with and bad heart valve and and rare type. I can remember asking the Lord why? Since then we have been through 5 open heart surgeries. 3 in New York and 2 in Minneapolis at the Mayo Clinic. Each one I spent time in the chapel asking for The Lord’s grace and he has answered In ways I could not believe! Through the years I have seen her outrun many of her friends, I’ve seen Dr’s amazed of her stamina, finally after her 4th surgery, we found her pacemaker was found to have a defective lead. The very next day they had to go back in again for the 5th time. Can you imagine what we went through as parents seeing this all happen? But each time it happened, Jesus carried us through and today she is married. And there is a story about that as well!
Just before Jen and Brian were to be married they found out I had stomach Cancer. It was bleeding and need surgery badly. Here I was 3 weeks before she was to be married. I asked the Lord to please get me through and all the Dr’s and Nurses knew, by God’s grace I was able to walk her down the isle to tears from all but all knew who got us there.
I’m 15 months out from surgery, many complications have happened. Numerous blood clots in my lungs, bed sores, pain in my back and sides. I have been through so much but each time He has come through.
I really can’t complain for my situation because Jesus is providing everything I’ll ever need, He even has a special place for me at the end of what He has for me to do. He promised were He was going at His Father’s house, that there are many rooms and where He was going He would prepair a place for me if I followed His word! It’s that easy but many miss that 18 inches between the heart and head! I hope you give Him a chance, no one else, not any church or human who might corrupt what God has for us because His word is all we need!
I’m not the greatest writer as you can see. My word program sometimes changes words on me. I am sorry if it doesn’t read through cleanly but I am sure you will understand it. I’m still praying for you each day asking that God will open that path to your heart as well as to heal your issues. He came for the unhealthy, for people searching for truth. I hope you give Him a chance.