He wasn’t supposed to fall in love… forbidden… she told him… She said he was “incapable of love” and that he was only thinking he was in love when in fact it was just lust…

“Remember the evil in you…” she said…

“You make them fall in love with you and then… bahmm! Something bad happens… They will get sick… or someone they love would get sick or injured… Something terrible would happen…”

That’s what she said… and he was afraid not to believe her… Too many signs of her being right… The shadows… would remind him as well…

——–

It wasn’t until my last year at school I started to give in to the girls… or not until Chris became my roommate… Girls seemed to like him and he like them… Both of us played around those first four months of the school year… We partied every weekend…. we got drunk… showed off our music abilities and the girls where there…

My mother’s words were constantly playing in my head… so I broke a few hearts… possibly talked about as the boy who only wanted them for the sex…. not their love or to give them my love…

I believed I was incapable of love… and in a way I didn’t understand what it meant…

——–

Final concert of the semester… Friday November 30th 1984… Last year’s students… Two hour program… I was playing Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata… all three movements…

I hadn’t seen Chris all day… He had told me he was coming but he wasn’t there yet… but he was late… The show had already started… It was almost time for me to walk on the stage… I noticed Chris walk in… with a girl… the most beautiful creature I had ever seen…

Did Chris get himself a girlfriend without me knowing about it? I thought to myself… Somehow that thought changed… It could have been someone saying it out loud… but I knew this was one of his sisters …not his girlfriend.

For a moment the time stood still… Like in slow motion she ran her hand through her hair… said something to her brother… walking slowly… gracefully… It was that moment… like… she put a spell on me… an arrow through the heart…

Someone said something behind me… For some reason I just couldn’t take his eyes of her… Nothing else mattered… It was just me and her… It felt like in a dream… the one you don’t want to wake up from…

Again… someone said something… and I felt someone laying a hand on my shoulder… “You are on the stage! NOW!”

——–

Throughout the performance I glance my eyes to her direction… I can’t see her though… but I know she is there… I make an effort to speak to her through the piano… and put my every emotion I humanly can into the music…

Once done… I stand up… The guests seem happy… I try to look but there are too many people… I can’t see her…

“Didn’t Chris say he was going to meet me after my performance?” I think to myself… “I’m sure he said so… He better take her with him…”

——–

Then I remembered… “You cannot fall in love”

——–

I didn’t meet her that night… didn’t talk to her… I left before the concert was over… had a few drinks and eventually passed out…

Next morning… or afternoon… when I woke up… Chris was there… reminding me of our party in the evening… people to call to see if the room was ready… and things to prepare… Somehow I managed to ask if he had invited his sister… but knowing she was going to come made me nervous…

We had rented a little party room or a bar for the party…. not the first time…. but we arrived there early to take care of a few things… Everything was ready though…. so Chris said he was going to go and get his sister… but I’d wait for the guests in case he would be late… I know it was way too early to start drinking but I was nervous. People were starting to arrive…. but Chris wasn’t there yet…. When they finally showed up I’d had too much to drink and I’d fallen asleep. Somehow I must have gotten home and when I woke up the next day with a splitting headache and feeling ashamed…

——–

I didn’t know how to stop myself from thinking about her…

I tried to fall out of love… I tried to forget about her… but I couldn’t…

It didn’t help that almost three weeks later it was Chris’s birthday party… I got drunk… yes… but not too drunk… and she got a little drunk…. but we talked …and more 😉

—

31 years later …I am still in love… Yes we’ve had our tough moments… yes… I’ve almost lost her a few times… but each time my love for her grows even more…

I know I am not always the easiest person to live with… I know I have done things that have made her sad… even angry at me… but she has never given up on me… even when I gave up on myself…

She is the reason I am here… She is my strength… She is my best friend… my partner in life and the mother of my children …and with her I can do anything…

—

He can feel the tears in his eyes as he walks to her and silently put his arms around her…
– What’s wrong? she asks as she wraps her arms around him…
– Nothing’s wrong.
– Then what is it? she asks again and he can sense she’s worried…
– Nothing’s wrong… he replies… I just remembered something…
– What is it?
– I just remembered how much I love you… and I realized how horrible I’ve been to you…
*tears*
– Can you forgive me? he asks through the tears… Can you forgive me for everything that I have put you through? …and please don’t say it was never my fault… I just need to hear you say that you can forgive me…
– Yes of course I can my love… I have already forgiven you… I love you…
…and for a while they just stand there in silence in the middle of the kitchen in each other’s arms and cry together…

—

NOTE: A part of this is a draft and/or bits and pieces from older writings… so I know this is all over the place… and I know there are parts missing…and at least… for those who haven’t read much on my blog or don’t know my “story”… this may not make much sense at all… but right now it’s the best I can do…