Last year I wrote about my year of 2014… so I was planing on doing the same this year… I’ve actually done it already… a three page long document with the “highlights” from each month of the year…
I read it over… and I have decided I’m not sharing that…
For those who have been following me in 2015 already know I’ve been through some pretty scary shit this year… trips to the ER where I thought I was having a heart attack… or bleeding to death internally… along with many times where my mental illness kept playing with my head… and then… maybe the scariest time of the year… the cancer diagnosis and a big operation which I am still recovering from and learning to deal with the changes made to my body…
…but I have been through many years before this one that were so much worse than 2015… With that said… I do believe 2015 was a good one for me in so many different ways… I have met so many wonderful people who have not only put up with my shit… but also supported me through the toughest times of the year… some even without really know it or getting anything in return…
I have done things this year that I wouldn’t have dreamt of doing a year ago… My New Year’s resolution for 2014 was to work hard on my speech and as well as my swallowing… Because of the bumps in that road my swallowing is still an issue… and not much to say or do about that one for now other than I need to continue to do what I can and stay optimistic…
As for my speech… it has greatly improved and most of the time I have more confidence than I did a year ago… and I even posted a video of me speaking a few words in one of the Facebook groups I’m a member of as I didn’t want to be left out when everyone else was doing them… I’m still a bit surprised about me doing that… maybe it was just a moment of temporary insanity even though it didn’t have a picture… just sound… but I did it… and I believe the video is still up…
I know I will always have noticeable flaws in articulation… and I will probably always have slow speech… and occasional stutter… and that is OK… but I don’t freeze up nearly as much as I did a year ago… and that helps a lot with my confidence… and overall I speak more often now than before…
Another personal victory can be seen in my most recent music videos that I’ve been posting on my Facebook account… I remember the first video I shared … Nov 2014 I think… and how uneasy I felt just knowing the camera was pointed at me… though it was only my hands showing… I still have some anxiety every now and when I hit the “upload” button… but lately… I’ve just kept the camera rolling while I play and it has become like just another “thing” or part of what’s in the room… With that said… I still have some issues with watching those videos… but I’m told that’s just normal 😉 …I hope it is anyway…
Another good thing that happened this year is I turned 50 this year… Many people feel that’s not a good thing… or at least not admitting it… but for me it is a great accomplishment… I think of all the past years I wanted not to exist anymore… more than half of my life… not with regret but I am grateful to myself for surviving… what seemed at the time… to be an impossible battle with my own mind and it’s thoughts of self destruction…
I almost didn’t make it to 20… I almost didn’t make it to 30… or 40… and I almost didn’t make it 50… Although I can’t promise I will make it to 60 I can promise you… I will do what I can… because now… more than ever… I want to… not just for the people in my life… for my wife and my children… I want to for me…
I have things to do… things that I want to do… new things I want to learn… I have people I want to spend more time with… music I want to share… story to write… all for me…
I’ve been able to witness my first grandchild grow… her first smile… her first word… her first birthday… I have had to chance to hold her while she sleeps… play with her… listen to her laughter and laugh with her… and believe me… this child laughs a lot and her laughter is highly contagious…
I am going to do everything I can to make the year of 2016 a good year… I know there are things I worry about constantly… most of those worries are about something that I know I can not control… I want to learn how to not to worry about these things… I know very well that worrying is my poison… I know I will have medical procedures that I will need to go through… some of which were planned last year and some new …one already scheduled next week and another by the end of this month or beginning of the next…
I know all of them are to improve my life from what it is now… I don’t think anyone expects me to like it or feel no anxiety while going through those… but in the past I’ve allowed myself to make things like that… especially the the smaller procedures for some reason… a much bigger deal than they usually are… with the way I think about them… or the way my brain tells me to think about them… and I know doing so makes these things so much more difficult… so that… is one of the things I want to learn how to deal with…
I cannot… or wont make any big promises… I don’t know what is waiting for me in 2016… but whatever it is… I will take it when it comes and do my very best in every situation I find myself in… good or bad… because *I* want to..
I love you, my dear Brother from another…you, Sunna & your 3D Family hold a very special place in my heart & I cheer for you from afar every single day…
Love you my sister from another <3
Beautifully written. You are strong. Such talent and depth. Hope you can feel the admiration and respect. Thank you for sharing your message and an even bigger thank you for sharing your gift. I come from a poor rural area lacking in culture and exposure to the arts. I do know that music can sooth the soul. I thank you, Gabriel.
Your determination is to be admired. I am not sure why anyone would think even small procedures are not something to be anxious about. Maybe because you feel you feel you are so different from everyone, with the mind playing dirty tricks on you, it must be wrong, but working in a hospital , Ill tell you all people have anxiety about any procedure that is done. So now you know your totally normal…You have to know what a WONDERFUL job you have done living with schizophrenia, that is an impossible task for many sadly. I have a special place in my heart for those with mental health afflictions, always have. Maybe because the nurse I am knows that too many give up on those afflicted, or because my own grandfather struggled with depression and took his own life with a gun to his head. Thus me not caring much for people having guns, I believe if the gun wasn’t right there, many things may have been different in our lives, maybe better, maybe worse..who is to know. You have faced more struggles than most and have come through each bravely and with a smile in your heart. I am glad to have met you. It is good that you do throw things our there for reality checks, you find out most the time how absolutely great you are doing in life!!!