He finds himself slipping… it happens… and although he knows it will pass… everytime… he feels lost… lost in an ocean with no shore at sight.
The body is wounded and weak and there are way too many thoughts going on inside his head…
He fears that his body is dying from the inside… and the only chance he has to reverse it is a hand full of fairy dust or a wizard with a magic wand…
Yet again he struggles with finding the right words that can even begin to describe the pain he feels… The pain he normally feels in his physical body is irrelevant… yet he feels like every inch of his body is hurting… every cell… but it’s coming from his mind… his own thoughts and he knows it…
He never knows when exactly this hits him… He can be fine one day but not the next… where he feels the overwhelming desire to not be different… to fit into a box with someone else… so much that it hurts… and he knows he will never have that…
He feels alone…
Today is one of those days where his inner monsters hit him… They are not real monsters… not the type that jump out of one’s closet at night… screaming …or from under one’s bed… They are monsters that live in his head… They scream at him… Sometimes they scream real human words… defamatory human words, full of hate and anger… Sometimes they make an insulting comment on everything he says or does… how he says or do things…
He knows perfectly well… they are not real…
—-
Sometimes they remind him that he is different because he was chosen… and there is nothing he… or anyone can say or do to make it go away… and they tell him to stop trying and do what he must to keep it from taking over…
He wants to believe the monsters aren’t real… but still he feels incomplete… like something is missing… but he can’t figure out what… or why he feels this way…
So he starts searching…. searching for something, something that can make him not to feel so different from everybody else… He sees a black shadow from the corner of his eye and a voice shouting at him…
– “Keep searching…. you’ll never find it! … there is no one “like you”… anywhere… ever… you will always be alone”
<3 The voices suck. I'm sorry.
you know what to do right? <3
You’ll NEVER be alone. Your family loves you so much! I don’t know what it’s like to be caught between 2 dimensions. Almost like heaven & hell. Sunna, & your children, your music is in heaven yet evil voices are pulling you towards hell.
#1) YOU are LOVED
#2) YOUR LIFE is IMPORTANT
#3) YOUR intelligent
#4) YOUR a gifted pianist
#5) YOUR a GREAT friend
#6) The voices aren’t REAL, YOUR stronger than they are.
#7) I’m so grateful that YOUR my friend, I LOVE you & I can’t imagine a world without YOU.
Now, get some sleep my good friend xxx ((( hug )))
<3
Dealing with monsters in the closet is much easier than dealing with the monsters in one’s head. It’s a soul-sucking, exhausting full-time job. Many of us out here are praying for you, Gabriel. I hope that brings you some comfort.
well done