I have some problems with my thought process or putting my thoughts in order and out in words at the moment… so… sorry of this is all over the place but the thing is… last Tuesday someone highly respected in the classical music community here invited me to participate in a festival/concert along with other classical musicians…
This guy was around when I was performing way back in the day…. 25 years ago and beyond… and he was in the audience of that birthday party I was at the beginning of last month…
He knows about my mental/physical problems … or at least parts of it…
To be honest… I wanted to say yes on the spot when he approached me… but decided it was probably better/wiser to have some time to think about it… talk it over with my wife/family… and my therapist… I have… but I also know I need to make the decision myself…
Now… this isn’t a big ‘thing’ …not for the general John Doe…
…but in a way… for me… this is quite a big step… as I have not done anything of that sort in 25 years (or more)…
I know I can do the performance in spite of short notice… (The event is May 14th -15th) maybe not as perfectly as I used to 25 years ago… but I can do it… The socializing-and-working-with-others-part of it… and communication or whatever else is my biggest stressor… and even a bigger “no”- factor… the fact that my medications have been constantly changing and I have no idea to know (stress aside) where I will be in those two weeks…
With that said… I know in my heart that if I say no … or if I back out after saying yes… I will regret it… and I will beat myself up for “chickening out”…
…so I guess I will be saying “yes” tomorrow… and hoping for the best…
