Today is just one of those days where I have a lot to say… but can’t say anything at all… tomorrow may be different… but no guarantee… this time of the year is always difficult… not just for me… but for my wife too…

My mind is being out of control and all over the place…. Has been for a few days now…. In a way it’s not unusual especially around the time of my shot… and also with all of what’s going on around here…. Like I said…. Just “one of those days”…. However I know it doesn’t give me the right to be a crazy ass hole ….which is kind of how I feel I’ve been lately… if I’m not grumpy… I’m overly emotional…. And probably way too self centered and or feeling sorry for myself…

I had a doc appt this morning… not really news as there’s always something…. Some may know that I have a surgery planned in the beginning of October as I may have mentioned it on my page…. This surgery was originally planned last year but getting a cancer diagnosis kind of put that plan on hold for a while….

Because of an “event” in 2006 I have had multiple problems with my mouth and throat…. especially with eating and swallowing and food going down the wrong pipe…. My esophagus and stomach were also affected but as you might know they are out of the picture since my esophagectomy….

Now with this upcoming surgery they are mostly going to be cutting away lots of scar tissue and/or doing reconstructional work… I can’t really explain how or what but it involves my epiglottis, my vocal cords among other things… as well as possibly using tissue from my left leg/thigh to build up where needed… Sounds all good and dandy… maybe…. but the surgeon says they cannot “promise anything” until they do this… and that to me is sort of what makes me want to skip the whole thing…. Not to mention having to go through a recovery… possible complications….

Not sure where I’m going with this though…. In a way I need some reassurance or mental support… and maybe… although It’s probably different when cancer is involved… which it isn’t really in my case…. to know if there is anyone out there who has gone through something like this… the surgery… the recovery ugh anything ….

For now I’ll just send good vibes out there to anyone that may need it…

I keep repeating to myself…. This is going to be OK…. This is just one of those days…. But I know I need to be there for my wife as well… August is a month where both of us struggle with… We could use some too but I ask since my mind is not in a good place… please leave religion out of it for now….

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