This isn’t exactly on topic but I need to vent … So far this month has been hell… Starting with my usual craziness when it’s close to the time I get my medication…. I have schizophrenia and I get a shot once a month …or every 28 days for my mental disorder and sometimes my body somehow absorbs it too fast or something… In between I’m pretty normal though I think …or most of the time…

Then on the 6th I ended up in hospital… Another collapsing on the floor and hitting my head on the way… Turned out my prostate was blocking my urethra and swelling up my kidneys and because my kidneys are not exactly top notch they consulted with my regular doc and made the delicious to remove my prostate…. Problem solved right? No not really… No peeing naturally for me for now … Nice huh? Further testing done by putting a camera up my pluming and voila! Bad guys blocking the output from my bladder… Doc took a few of them with his tool to identify them…. That was on the following Thursday or Friday… They wanted to keep me in for longer but I explained I needed to be home before Tuesday the 16th which was the 24th anniversary of the fire where my four children got their wings… I needed to be home both for me and for my wife…. So they sent me home …but with a tube in my bladder and a bag attached to my leg… and it looks like I will have to wear my new accessory for a while….
The anniversary came and went with a vengeance for the both of us… Although…not knowing what was going on with my body was taking its toll on me but it was taking much more from my wife… and still is… I do understand her…. She has almost lost me a few times and that alone is not helping ….

On the 17th we got the call…. Results were ready…. Bad news…. bladder cancer…. Good news it is at an early stage and only in my bladder… but I have what they call Carcinoma in situ… stage 1 but they say its a fast growing type… obviously a minus point…. But yet doc is hopeful none the less…and that works for me…. but not so well with my wife…

Now the plan is to attempt to take out the cancer next week and then marinade the inside of my bladder with cancer poison… right now I can’t remember the name of the medicine they plan on using though…

This is the second time they find cancer in me but last year…almost exactly a year ago… they found cancer in my esophagus during a procedure while attempting to dilate my esophagus… But my esophagus was really just one big scar top down from an ugly mental incident 10 years ago…. and where I had 1% chance of surviving the first 3 to 5 months

That was only a very small tumor… not really a tumor tho…but more like just a few ‘bad’ cells (SCC) localized in scar tissue which i had plenty off in there… before my diagnosis it was clear i would need an esophagectomy… sooner than later… and the cancer gave my insurance the push that i needed to get that surgery… I had the surgery in September 2015 and no chemo or radiation needed…. With this new one…. they seem to think that these two cancers are not related….

I’m remarkably calm about all of this… I keep telling my wife I’m going to be ok… She has been caring for me a lot more than I have for her…. and most of the time she knows me a lot better than I do myself…especially with my mental illness… Now all she does is crying… Maybe a few brief moments where she’s not …but she looks at me and cries… I give her a hug and she cries… She keeps repeating that she can’t live without me… I try to tell her I’m not going anywhere… I try to talk to her… Reassure her… But she still cries…. It’s braking me… I am not going to die…. I’ve been through much worse than this … much more pain than I will ever feel this time around… so compared to that this is a walk in the park… she knows that….

Sorry about this long rambly thing… My wife is sleeping now… but I can judge by her breathing and tossing and turning… she’s not sleeping very well… I should try to be as close to her as I can and try to sleep too…

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