I’ve been meaning to write something to post for a while now…. I know I have been slacking and turning more and more towards my Facebook account…. I’d still like to keep this website though I don’t know how much I will be posting here in the upcoming months … If you’re not my “Facebook friend” feel free to look me up and add me… most likely I will add you (unless you have porn or hate messages on your profile)

I have a feeling this post will be all over the place and rather long… but in short… this month has been hell… Not that it has ever been easy in the past especially since the fire… but the previous month is usually when my mind (and body) starts to show all sorts of unusual thoughts and mental and physical reactions to everyday things… Because you know about the upcoming anniversary… and you’ve been through it before many times in the past… you stop paying attention to those symptoms…

On August the 6th I ended up in hospital after collapsing on the floor and hitting my head on the way…

I had been having some pain in my back… which isn’t that unusual anyway… I’d been feeling light headed and my vision was a bit more blurry than usual… a bit more tired… but blaming it on stress and upcoming anniversary was easy. And when your body is constantly giving you pain and all sorts of discomfort at any normal day… you stop paying attention to the little ‘just discomforting’ things…

In the hospital it turned out I had an infection in my blood… and when they asked me for a urine sample it was soon clear that nothing was coming out of there… I was sent for a ultrasound (like they do with the pregnant mommies)… It turned out my bladder was full (and then some) and one of my kidneys was a little swollen… It also turned out that my prostate was also a part of problem (which it had been before all this) but because my kidneys are not exactly top notch they consulted with my regular doc and made the delicious to remove my prostate… Problem solved right?

No not really… Catheter out… but right back in again… apparently my urethra decided to go on a strike… Nice huh? Further testing done by putting a camera up my plumbing and voila! Bad guys blocking the output from my bladder… Doc took a few of them with his tool to identify them…. That was on the following Thursday or Friday… They wanted to keep me in for longer but I explained I needed to be home before Tuesday the 16th which was the 24th anniversary of the fire and I needed to be home both for me and for my wife….

So they sent me home… but with a tube in my bladder and a bag attached to my leg… and it looks like I will have to wear this new accessory for a while…

The anniversary came and went with a vengeance for the both of us… Although… not knowing what was going on with my body was taking its toll on me but it was taking much more from my wife… and still is… I do understand her…. She has almost lost me a few times and that alone is not helping ….

On the 17th we got the call… Results were ready… Bad news… cancer again…. this time… bladder cancer… Good news it is at an early stage and only on the inner layers of my bladder… T1G2… “Superficial” they said… serious and unfortunate… and yes quite frightening… but the description… Superficial… not too scary… And my survival instinct telling me this will turn out OK…

The following week I was back in the hospital for a procedure they call TURBT or Trans-urethral Resection of a Bladder Tumor… where they put a medical instrument in my bladder through the urethra to remove the cancer… This was August 24th…

During the TURBT they discovered that the cancer had grown into the muscle layer of my bladder… Which means that my “superficial” was now “invasive”… And that I can tell you… was quite a lot scarier than before… Although I’m currently still waiting for the final biopsy report… the cancer is now T2G3… even T3… but even so… My best option according to my medical team is now surgery to remove my bladder and possibly followed by chemotherapy….

This last surgery and then the TURBT procedure have left me with very low energy… After both procedures I was very dehydrated… And now they have me on IV fluids and feedings for 24 hours a day… I’m still working up my energy… But it’s coming more closer to normal with each day that passes… I know I will need to build up my energy for the upcoming surgery and try to figure out ways to have my body slow down my digestion so it can actually use all or more of the good stuff from my feeding formula and the oral meals… I will need that good stuff in this upcoming battle… for sure…

Although I admit… mentally and physically I am in desperate need of a break from all of this shit… If anything… at least not another cancer battle… I’m still recovering from my last one… damn it!

I had a surgery planned in September/October which if successful it would make my life easier as far as eating and/or drinking liquids… which I cannot at the moment… Even though I had (still have) some major anxiety about that one… I have been waiting for it… and wanting it… because… if successful… it is/was suppose to improve my swallowing… so yeah this whole things sucks…

But that surgery has been put on hold for now… Again… Last year it was also postponed …and also because of cancer…

My wife was told I had 1% or less of survival the first 3 months after my attempt… This was 10 years ago next October and I’m still here… Before that I was “beyond repair” mentally… Those were actual words of a mental health professional… I should mention we never saw that bastard again… but although I’m not cured mentally and never will… I’ve come very a long way since then…

I won’t deny that I’ve had some moments of just wanting to just ignore all of this shit and just let it “take me”… but I guess one has to try to make the best out of the situation and give it a try…. I know the surgery isn’t going to be easy on my body… it’s a long and complicated surgery…. I won’t have to go through the whole “get used to the bag” process though as it’s very similar to the one I already have… I know there are new things to learn but it’s not going to be as difficult as getting a bag for the first time… If my body can tolerate the surgery and the chemo… I can live with the rest… However… I feel I am desperately in a need of a brake… I know I can’t take time off… not for a while… so… the fight continues!