Surgery date is set…. Monday September 26th… Removal of my bladder… I will be going in on the previous Friday… maybe even Thursday or sooner… It will all depend on my health at the time… and of course… This could change if they believe I am not fit enough to even go through the surgery….
I have lots of appointments to go to until then….
This whole thing is more real now than it was before…. I realize the surgery is going to be difficult on my body… Although the esophagectomy a year ago wasn’t an easy one… in fact I’m still recovering from it…. I was healthier in so many ways….
There is great a chance something may go wrong… and to be honest…. for me… now it doesn’t have to be something ‘big’… I also know that even if I won’t have the surgery… I’d still have cancer and other forms of treatments which my doctors tell me can be even worse for my body… will take a long time… less chance of being successful… and may even eventually lead to needing surgery anyway… which at that point I would probably not be strong enough for at that point …. so simply put…. my best option is doing it now or not….
My anxiety has been through the roof all day…. I won’t deny that…
I’ve never truly believed people who say I am strong… or say that I am their inspiration ….maybe because the first 27 years of my life i was broken down by the person who should have done the opposite…. or maybe….with all that I have been through to this day I have felt weak and afraid… It’s funny…. A couple of days ago I posted photos of my belly on my wall… I also posted them in a few groups I’m in…. stoma groups… bladder cancer…etc. I didn’t expect the reaction i had…far from it… I didn’t really expect any type of reaction tho… or think about it at the time… but reading the comments made me feel stronger… It made me realize that people… not just my family…. wife…kids… granddaughter…. but people I will probably never meet in person…. need me to be around ….I feel weird for even admitting it to myself…
Yes I am terrified of something going wrong…. and that i wont make it …. but I’m going to do everything that I can to keep my heartbeat going through all of this… that I can promise you… and I know that even though my body isn’t very strong I’m a lot stronger mentally now than I was a year ago…. but ….for the time i have until the surgery I want to spend as much time with my family as I can… and focus on what is to me… the most important in my life… my family… my writing and my music… I’m not going far though… I’ll still be around… and probably sharing a video or two… but i may not be around as much as I have though…
I know this is random… its me …uncut… and uncensored… which right now is the best i can do…
Just one more thing…. YOU are amazing… stay strong …it’s the only way to do it!
