Today is a year since I had my esophagus (and my stomach) removed due to cancer… Although I had been through many surgeries before this one… this was the most difficult surgery I’d ever had… and even though I did have my fears and a few “mental moments” both before and while in hospital after the surgery… I got through it…
That surgery is considered to be one of the most difficult surgeries a person can go through…. There is a high risk of all sorts of complications and the recovery is both long and painful… A year later I am still recovering from it… I have had physical therapy and will probably be having more in the future… I have had pain from damaged nerves and my intestine are still (hopefully) learning or adapting to their new role as an esophagus and a stomach… along with doing their old job…
Yes… I got through that one… and fortunately… with a lot less complications than so many others… for that I am thankful…
Now as I’m waiting for another surgery to remove cancer from my body… I find myself struggling mentally with the whole thing… more than I have before… Yes, I know I won’t be around forever… no one will be… that’s just how it is…
I know I don’t need to explain myself… though at times I find myself doing that over and over again in all kind of situations…
But… for those who know me well enough… know that I go through these downhill moments only to pull myself back up from that hole… That’s just how I am… sometimes it takes a while… and sometimes it’s done overnight… That’s what I’ve always managed to do in the past… and probably will for the rest of my life…
My thoughts have been going downhill lately … negativity and fear… fear for my future sprung from experiences from my past…. but I know from what I’ve learned in the past that kind of thinking will only make me even more vulnerable… I am doing what I can to keep all of that from getting in my way… and with it hiding away in my music…
