On my last entry…. I talked things over with my wife… but she is more alert at my appointments than I am… I know I can quit the chemo anytime… and I know they won’t make me go through anything that would cause more harm than good…

People tell me I am “in touch with my inner emotions”… at times I feel like I’m a big cry baby though lol   but I know that with everything that I have been through in my life I could have ended up as an angry bitter man (maybe I will be one day)  but I kept ‘things in’ for the first 30/35 years or more  of my life….

I learned very early to keep quiet …and smile… no matter what… to lie about how I was feeling or thinking if I had to… but then eventually I started having nightmares… I was unable to sleep… it kind of took its toll on me mentally and physically… and I couldn’t hide it any longer…

My dad didn’t exactly approve of that… especially when he found out I was blogging about my mental illness and the abuse I went through on the internet and tried to shut me up… I almost did what he wanted… I didn’t though… I know by being open about it I have not only helped myself but many others who have been through similar experiences and that is why I don’t hide anymore…  Yes sure… I don’t talk about “everything”… but details aren’t always the best way to get the message across to others or to help calm my own piece of mind…

I know people see my as strong… yes I haven’t had an easy life… in fact I’ve been through more than most… yet I don’t feel strong… all I did was doing what I had to do in order to go on alive…

I grew up with a mentally ill mother…. psychotic and delusional… she tortured me… physically and emotionally to fulfill her delusions… she did it until the day she died… 1992… I was 26… I was too scared to run…. or tell anyone… even my wife… but I already had a family back then…

My father was away a lot… and if he was at home he was in his office …working… and closing his eyes of what was going on…. I know he knew… He should have been the one to save me… but he didn’t…. I did get a chance to talk to him about it before he died… but he still felt he had done the right thing and I was just ‘over reacting’… Having a mental illness in his eyes was something to be ashamed about… it needed to be kept quiet…

I know I have a problem with anxiety…. overthinking and anticipating the worst… I know my brain is wired to run from scary situations… PTSD does that to you…. and I know I blow things up in my head …way more than needed…

One thing that works for me is to ‘dump’ my thoughts like that… kind of makes them more clear in my mind and easier for me to sort them out… if that makes sense… I know from past experiences… the best way for me to get through this is to take it one day at the time… to not let the ‘bad’ thoughts in and be positive…. in fact it’s the only way…

As a compliment…people tell me I am “in touch with my inner emotions”… at times I feel like I’m a big cry baby though lol   …this time included…. but I know that with everything that I have been through in my life I could have ended up as an angry bitter man (maybe I will be one day)  but….  I kept ‘things in’ for the first 30/35 years or more of my life….

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