Way back in September last year… I posted a video on my Facebook account where I played a song on my piano which I dedicated to my mother’s memory… Sometimes I share my videos in a few groups that I’m a member of and that is what I did this time… I know this particular song is of very high sentimental… as well as emotional value to a lot of people… and yes… I agree that it is indeed a beautiful piece of music…
Yet… I wasn’t sure if I should share it or not… or even whether I should post it at all… It wasn’t about if I thought people wouldn’t like it or not… or anything of that sort… It was way more personal than that… and more for my own mental safety and the effect it might have on my own emotional well being which was…and still is… at a quite vulnerable state these days.
But of course I didn’t listen to my own feelings so I ended up sharing it… knowing very well that it would stir up some unfavorable thoughts in my mind… Of course I would rather have that than missing a chance to prevent even a one soul out there from feeling at peace through my music…
The song was Amazing Grace…
A couple of days after posting that song… maybe even the day after… I sat down and attempted to write about why …or at least… how this …and almost anything connected to god or Christianity affects me… but …maybe due to my own spontaneous …or even… involuntary reactions I hit a wrong button on my computer and all was lost…
I want to give it another try…
I want to give it another try because lately I keep finding myself having to explain as for some reason people won’t stop to a simple no… or to the extreme… send me messages attempting to explain how wrong I am for “denying their god” …or the classic… “You are going to hell” remark… I hope most of you get the picture…
I do have my reasons for having to avoid this subject… reasons that I cannot yet fully write or share without jeopardizing my mental stability… or without pushing myself off the edge of an already weak mental state…
When I tell someone… especially if that someone has strong religious believes him/herself that you don’t believe in God or that you have different opinions about the Bible …they often automatically assume you are somehow a bad person… or they will try to ‘save’ you …even attempt to scare you into believing in their version of god…
…so here I am again… attempting to write about the very one thing that will usually bring up unwanted emotions… a strong collection of emotions where my brain runs off into the darkest corners of my childhood memories… Where I can hear the voice of my mother talking to her god… and where I can physically feel the pain on my 51 year old body… the same pain I felt as a child …while being tortured…
People who truly know me… family mostly… know that I try to avoid the subject of religion and anything that has to do with believing in god… or a higher power… They are also the people that respect my opinions on the subject and if… on that rare occasion… it comes up in a conversation or in life …like a christening or even a church wedding… or something of that sort… I am able to ask to be excused if I feel so… and they also know that a funeral isn’t in the picture either…
Holidays like Christmas or Easter is a mental struggle as well but my wife and close family has helped me by making new traditions and turning these holidays into non religious family time…
They know that everything I have ever accomplished or survived through was done with my sheer determination of getting through it… I won’t say this determination has always led to the best results in every situation… but …it is what it is… and it is indeed what has kept me alive… multiple times in my lifetime… and so far it is what works for me…
With that said… I do have my own personal spiritual beliefs… but without a god or a higher power… or a power that is higher or more powerful than exists in me… In many cases I don’t feel a need to find a solution to everything… I don’t really feel the need to wonder about where I will be going after this life… I don’t need to know why I have had to go through all of what I have been through… and I don’t need to know why my mother and my children had to die in that fire 24 years ago…
I try to use the phrase “I want to believe…” rather than “I believe…”
Yes I do want to believe my children are together… I want to believe that “souls” are connected… not just through this life but in other unknown dimensions as well… I want to believe I have known my wife for a very long time… much longer than those almost 32 years we’ve known each other in this lifetime… And I know we will continue to know each other when we leave here… That is one thing that makes me feel at peace… It helps me to accept the fact that neither of us will live forever… I don’t fear my own death… never have… but I do fear the death of my wife… any of my children… or anyone close to me… or … maybe in a selfish way… I fear my potential reactions… if any one of them should go before I do…
…and yes I want to believe that my loved ones are somewhere where I can join them one day… and sometimes I do truly believe that… but it’s not “heaven” or anything in that sense… However those kind of thoughts are not something that I want to spend hours wondering about as I know there is no real physical evidence of that anyway… There is no solid proof… and maybe the only way for me to find out is to kick the bucket and check it out… and that’s not on my list of plans …for now at least…
When I think about it this is what has helped me with the hallucinations… the need to be able to have a solid proof for everything… I know very well there are things in life you cannot find an explanation for… and that’s where most people turn to religion… Where knowledge ends religion takes over… but for me… I don’t know… It feels like a waste of time to try to figure out an explanation of everything… I don’t know why I had to go through my childhood the way I did… I don’t know why my children had to die…
Yes sure… in the past I have spent time trying to find a “reason”… and used the most obvious one to me at the time… it being what I was taught as a child… that it was because I was evil and I wasn’t in enough physical pain to control it…
Many people jump to the conclusion that my disbelief was brought on by the death of my children… In a way that’s understandable as it’s not uncommon for those who believe in god question their faith when a child dies…
But in my case it’s not really about my children dying… but it goes much further than that… most…if not all of it to my childhood… While I know now that my mother was wrong in what she believed about me… Some things are just not that easy to shake…
There is a lot that I have accomplished through therapy over the years… I have learned ways to deal with my mind… How to keep my “inner demons” from destroying me… Some I’ve managed to get rid of for good… but some I have locked in a cage inside of me… Sometimes they can break the lock so to speak and poison my thoughts…
I know I can’t fully explain how this… religion or god… affects me… I don’t think I can fully understand it myself… but if I did… I’m sure I probably wouldn’t be struggling with it the way I do sometimes…
Although I know people mean well when they tell me they are praying for me… I sometimes struggle with the very thought of it… Sometimes I struggle with a simple word someone puts down as a comment on my writing… or a comment on a status on my Facebook page… I can just ignore it on a good day…or at least my trigger threshold is higher…
Some days I have to stay away from those while I get myself to calm down from my out of control short circuiting brain… but I know I cannot hide inside a bubble to avoid this to ‘get to me’… and I don’t expect people to give up what they believe in… for me however… I find myself scroll away from that kind of posts… even with the smallest reference…
Yes… It’s a childhood/abuse thing … has to do with my mother… things she said… and did… to me… It triggers …not just memories… but more like feeling or emotions… something that I can not control… It triggers fear to a point of an anxiety attack… even visions of being a child again… being tortured by her… and when the vision is gone… a very strong need for me to hurt myself…
I grew up with both parents believing in god and reading from the bible… and making me reading from the bible… I had an ugly childhood… and yes… their religion… or their fear of their god… especially my mother’s was a large part of that ugliness… and while she physically tortured me …in the name of her god… quoting the bible…
The very simple explanation is… evil versus good… and her words… evil must suffer so it can be controlled…
…but of course there is a LOT more to it than that… yeah PTSD… and probably a bit of brainwashing too… and maybe a fear of a higher power ruling me… controlling me… I don’t want a higher power or something more powerful than the power I have in me…
She believed I was evil…she made me believe I was evil… Son of Satan… She prayed…she said God told her to torture me… to control my “evil mind”… Yes I know this was her mental illness… maybe even a part of my own mental illness…
Almost every day of my life until 10 years ago I wanted to die… and that feeling grew worse and worse… Although I did believe my mother about the ‘curse’ and that it would only go to someone else if I’d died… I didn’t care about that anymore… I wanted it to end for me… I struggled with the thought of it for almost two years though… of course I’d had thoughts like that before… even made a few “spur of the moment” attempts… This was different… and needed a careful planning… But when it was “too late”… I changed my mind… I only needed one second… or a part of a second to change my mind… Of wanting to live… and to be able to see my children grow up and have children of their own… and that split second… Just before passing out… the will to live took over…
I don‘t know if any of you are familiar with the word „trigger“ or „flashback“… but I sure am… And religion, especially when it is directed at me directly it is a trigger for me… as I mentioned earlier… I can actually physically feel and hear my mother torturing me…
I have my reasons for not wanting or needing a god… I hate the fact that people cannot seem to accept that… I can accept that other people believe… but please… when I specifically ask for no „prayers“ it’s NOT because I hate your religion or anything of that sort… and if you for any reason feel offended by the fact that I dare to say that out loud to protect my own well being… then I’d rather you’d just keep it to yourself and stay out of my way…
I know this is long… I know I’m going in circles… If you have read through the whole thing… If you read through this and I have in some way offended you… then by all mean feel free to silently walk away… Either way… I appreciate you taking the time…
I Love you my dear Friend… {{{{{{{{Gabriel}}}}}}}} ????????????????
Same page my friend. Nothing needs to be said. Appreciate the post and the music!
Well I believe anyone, or thing loving, understands, because of the all knowing thing, and will take you to where your loved ones are, like your sister, when it is your time. I do NOT believe you are bad or going to hell. Period, and I will say no more as I know how you feel. Who knows we may all be going to a next life…right now we have this one, and we get through it the way we can, each one moving through it differently…
I understand and appreciate how you bear your soul. Although I understand there; is not way I can appreciate all that you have gone through. No one should have to bear such a burden. You do not bear this burden alone. You have a soul mate. What an amazing couple you are. I think we sometimes try to reason our way through life. We demand and expect answers. Sometimes not matter how many times we ask; or in how many ways, our questions are left unanswered. They say we all need something to believe in. I believe we have to first believe in ourselves. We need to believe that we are strong. We will live our lives in the best way that we know how. We can try to lift others up whenever possible. I sincerely thank you and Sunna for all you have shared with so many. You have helped to enlighten our own journey. Here’s to life, Gabriel. All we can do is made it the best one possible. One thing you can always count on, is that your music will play on and be appreciated by many. I wish you both more light than dark, good health and much happiness.
“I love you my bff, my lil brother . I support your beliefs & you. Always ” ??
Besutiful, we all have our opinions/ beliefs, we don’t have to push them on others,,,that’s what makes Peace and friends!! Glad to hear your music,,,what a beautiful job here and one of my very favorites also!!
I think you are amazing!
If I said something in passing I apologize and promise to a;ways re-read my comments from now on before I hit send..That is a promise out of respect. I really admire your strength in character, cause no matter how many happenings try to sour your soul on humanity, you continue to love people and reach out to help them.
Good whew…
Love you too pieces my cyber bro!
Good for you!
Beautifully written .. read it to all xx
Hugs!
In my opinion when it comes to our health; I believe there is a mind/body connection. Some people are able to “let go” of the past and focus on the future. Some of us get stuck in the past. We continue to torture ourselves over events that we had no control over and can not change. I do believe we would all be healthier, if we were able to separate the past from the now and the future. How can we become healthy and wholesome if we allow the same things to continue to torment our lives.? Wouldn’t taking control, mean to firmly put the past ,in the past? This is not saying to forget those you have loved so deeply and lost. Take the best memories and hold them close to your heart; but put the pain and torture in a box and bury it deeply; or have it (the hurt or evil) exorcisized, in some way, so that it can not continue to harm/torture. I am not acknowledging a belief in exorcists; but just as evil has a type of “power” so does good. Religeon and politics are topics to be avoided. I thought the candle burning in the middle of this video, to be significant. Do you do the videos to go with your music? I wish we could all put our positive energies together and “will away” the darkness and the pain. That would be a form of exorcising the “bad” and condemn it to the past, so that it is powerless in the now, and in the future. I believe if we wanted to badly enough, in our minds, it would be so. Can we control our “focus”? Force ourselves to think only of today and what the future may bring? Plan for the future and stay as busy as possible. Being stuck in the past steals enjoyment from today and tomorrow. Sending you positive energy and a huge hug. Thank you for your amazing music and your huge heart.
I honestly dont know how to respond to you comment Jacquelyn… but then again… i really dont know your story…. do you know what its like to believe your whole life is normal…. and then… much later…. find out that none if it is? Do you know what its like to put up a front… maybe… pretending…. or believing your mother is right when in private she tells you…. she is the one who protects other people from your “pensieri cattivi” by praying to the god she worships and taking a knife and cutting her son’s back… carving the word “diabolico” on his back…
Ok… yes I may seem “stuck in the past” to some people…. but I’ve had to learn… im still learning… how to live amongst others…. Yes… for a long time i was “stuck”…. I had alter egos that did various tasks…. one went to the store…. one went to the doctor… one went to work… was doing the family/father thing at home… or even watching cartoons or playing with the kids… That was me 12 + years ago…. all in all… pretending everything was OK….. but…. doomed to fail….
I am here… now… struggling… fighting back… against every obsticle I have to… I was never a child… I didnt learn through play….. everything i learned as a child was wrong…. and even if it means that i am “stuck in my past” to some people… I know i am very far from that…. but i know i have the right to choose what’s right… or wrong… for me… just as you have the right to chose what’s right or wrong for you
I’m sorry but do you have a past that haunts you everyday where you wonder why me? I’m 67 and my past and childhood haunts me every day and night where I ask myself why me why? My father went to his grave believing the beatings were just, I’m an adult now this happened from 12 yrs old until 2005 when he died, physical, mental, verbal abuse is what I lived with, never being able to let go of not even now, so please don’t say it’s the past when some of live with it everyday. I’m sorry if this was rude but it’s about me and how I feel.
You wont have a future if you dont deal with the past. Those things that you said about your mother are heinous and you dont and didnt deserve to be treated like that. Its OK to be where you are, not that anyone would choose to be where you have been. You are my hero.
Karen D’Alia Capuano, its not rude at all.
I’m appalled by your response if you are truly Gabriel’s friend. You’d realize how delicate his mental health is & how damaging what your writing him is. His torture began in infancy and continued on. The loss of his mother and “5” of their children is something he’s learned to accept and live with. I I wasn’t sure that Gabriel should have posted Amazing Grace because of how others may react. Now I see.
Can a schizophrenic control their “focus”? Hell NO!! Gabriel would be happy to control the shadows and voices in his head!! He wants to be normal and healthy mentally as well as physically but no amount of “positive energy” & wanting it badly enough will keep the cancer/other conditions away.
We obviously know very different Gabriel’s. OR you don’t know Gabriel at all or you wouldn’t lay all of this psycho babble on him.
Gail, who is this directed at?
Gail Ninkovich Anoe I’m thankful he and I just talked and he is fine, he is my hero in every sense of the word and while we talked he even managed to make me feel better, no one knows real torture unless they’ve been there and how do you ever tell someone who’s lost what Gabriel has to keep it in the past.
Sandra Peake Carrillo not us Sandra
I’m sure the person who told him to keep it in the past
I am his wife, he has to be nice to me!
Sandra, read what Jacqueline wrote. I’m sorry but I’m truly upset
Sandra Peake Carrillo , he’s happily and proudly married to Sunna Petterson!
You said it yourself! Some people, us it not alright for others?
Lol Gail, its our joke. Its OK. Sunna is adorable!
Gail Ninkovich Anoe Gail he’s fine now, I’m sure he was upset because he messaged me right after he made that comment and he just went to sleep about 30 minutes ago, just love him to pieces and his life is not for anyone to try and understand it’s his life, some people should know him before commenting right?
Jacqueline, it is my understanding that we dont understand the intensity of how others live, nor should we ever try to judge the way they live. No one that has these kinds of issues chooses to live like this. Would you tell a deaf person to try harder to hear? It is ridiculous right?, Your comment is no less ridiculous. I would hazard a guess that if everyone Gabriel could change it he would.
You need to back off and let him do what he needs to do, and let him worry about it.
Jacqueline, it is my understanding that we dont understand the intensity of how others live, nor should we ever try to judge the way they live. No one that has these kinds of issues chooses to live like this. Would you tell a deaf person to try harder to hear? It is ridiculous right?, Your comment is no less ridiculous. I would hazard a guess that if Gabriel could change, it he would.
You need to back off and let him do what he needs to do, and let him worry about it.
Gail Ninkovich Anoe I hope he listens because negative is not what he needs, if some people would just leave their options to their self this world would be a better place and as the saying goes, if you have not walked in my shoes you don’t know me.
Gabriel J Arsante Dear Gabriel, I am not sure if all the comments on here are directed to my response to your post or not. I started my comment with that “I believe there is a mind/body connection”. So often I have seen events happen that affect a person deeply emotionally. Such things as the serious illness of their child, a divorce, a death. Then within two years time, sometimes more, sometimes less—the person becomes sick themselves. We see it when a loved one is dealing with cancer and then the spouse becomes ill. My intent with my posting was to be helpful and supportive. I was generalizing and not trying to tell anyone else how they should handle their own past or stressors. I am just a layperson with no form of expertise. I am 63 years old and a grandmother. I am a cancer survive of 22 plus years. My children tell me that I am stuck in the past. This past has kept me from enjoying my life. I have not focused on my past by putting it on here, and I am not going to put that out there. I am sorry if I touched on a topic that set others off. I was only trying to be helpful. One has to also consider when putting up posts, that you can not control the responses from different people. Everyone has different opinions and reasons for feeling as they do. We are all different and come from different backgounds and different Countries; yet we have been drawn together for a common cause. I have gone back and re-read my comment and I am still not clear why I have been attacked. I certainly tried to avoid a religeous topic. I am not religeous. I wish everyone here the best; but I have enough stress in my life and I do not feel that I should have been attacked for suggesting a possible way to divert stress. Stress is a killer. I know if I had not been so stressed in the couple of years leading up to my cancer; that I would not have gotten cancer. If we are going to survive we need to nourish our minds and our bodies. I am or have been a survivor. I must be doing something right. I will remove myself from this group and I apologize if I in any way caused any person distress. I will leave with a positive not in that I send you all nothing but love and support.
Schizophrenia is real and so is stress, cancer,loss, abuse, combine these and a few others and sometimes the mind goes in different directions and triggers so many different emotions, he has all of this and still remains a loving caring father, husband and friend, he knows you meant no harm but sometimes those triggers pop out with the slightest word or sentence. I’m sure your intentions were meant well.
In my opinion I think that all comments which can effect Gabriel on this thread should be deleted so when he does come back on and is tempted to read this post again there will not be all this crap on here!
Karen, he’s already read them but I agree completely!
Coincidentally. I went from this comment under your rendition of “Amazing Grace” to my facebook page. The first thing I hit on there was “Amazing Grace” video of Glen Campbell from a few years back. He was singing the song and playing the bagpipe. It was beautiful, as well. It was posted in his memory.
Hope it wasn’t me either. I’m just an American crazy fucker
Nope nope wasnt you you ACF 🙂
Aww shucks! Thanks my awesome American
Gabriel
I have always believed that any belief system is deeply personal and private. To support or not should always be respected. If someone isn’t doing that then whatever they are saying becomes less about you and more about them, and support should never be about the other person.
I respect you, your life’s journey and your experiences, and for me, I feel privileged to have been included in that. Peace 🙂
Yes! What Rita Winterland said!
Exactly
Hugs dear friend
Gabriel J Arsante… Am I in the clear this time? Don’t remember saying anything that would upset you but heck who knows with me…lol
Just making sure I haven’t hurt you with my words since then. I would never wish u pain. I take comfort in the fact you believe in love and that you are a good person. It’s not up to me to push u to believe what I do
There are ppl that go to church on the regs that I believe are pure evil…. So it’s not necessarily what u believe that matters to me.
Even Satan knows God is real does that make him less evil heck no…J’s… Sorry you know how I get….lol
Haha yes i know how you get… so uhm xxxx xxx nah … could find a fuck with your name on it…. just a hug 😉
Gabriel J Arsante, fuck off
No you fuck off Sandra! :*
Badass!
Im appreciate all of you and your comments… and also…. those of you who have sent me private messages…. I will have to respond to you all later as i have appointments and also have to run some errands today….
I do want to say that this wasnt brought on by any of you…. The person in question is now blocked from my page…. It was just a matter of time when either of us would block the other…. but this was not the first time we had an “talk” about this thing
Gab, good for you for blocking the person. Continuing messages about religious matters was a way of torturing you. I was furious when I read your message yesterday. It kept going around and around in my head.
He’s not the messiah, he’s just a very naughty boy
Well I dont know why people get hard and heavy on the subject cause we all have our version of beliefs and a reason they are there…Im sure we organize them based on all our experiences in life. Have a great day of errands. It going to rain here…again!!!
Much Love Gabriel. I miss you and your unique brilliance!
I understand, perfectly.
Gabriel, thank you for your music. You are truly an inspiration, to me.
Love.