I’m not sure where I’ll be going with this… but this is my attempt to explain the situation I’m in… that is… if there is a “situation” in the first place…

It was decided today that I won’t be having that last cycle of chemo… I have already gone through three cycles since January… and to be honest it was nowhere near what I anticipated… I can’t say it was an “easy” ride… but… let’s just say… it was not as bad as I thought it would be… I know I’m not exactly the average patient out there… with many other medical issues so all I can say is that I’m lucky to have been able to finish those three cycles… I also know that my team of doctors and nurses did everything …and more… for me …and for my wife… to make this ride as comfortable as they could…

What happened last Sunday… the seizures and my blood pressure going up… and more …which I really can’t explain for a lack of proper English to do so… is the main reason for discontinuation of the treatment…

I know some may remember this… but in two years (exactly two years) I’ve had two cancer diagnosis… First time in August 2015… in my esophagus… very early stage though… but surgery was already on “a future plan” for me so that tiny cancer just made them move me higher up the priority list… I had the surgery and didn’t need any other treatment…

A year later… August 2016 I had cancer again… This time in my bladder… I can admit that this one was quite a shocker… and something I did not expect at all… and this time it was quite aggressive and it was growing fast… That fucker turned out to be stage 3… or something like T3G3 (for those who understand that)… I was advised to have surgery right away followed by chemo… rather than a combination of chemotherapy and radiation and then surgery because of my other medical problems which I agreed to 100%… The outcome after the surgery was good and although the cancer was found in the surrounding fat layer of my bladder it hadn’t spread any further than that… or at least nothing was found in the samples or lymph nodes they removed during surgery… However the chemotherapy was done as a precaution… just in case if there were any bad tiny runaway cells still in my body … and/or to lower the risk of cancer returning…

Now with the chemo coming to an end before schedule… there probably isn’t much harm done… at least that is what I hope for… and there is really nothing else that I can do about it anyway… other than be optimistic and hope for the best…

I know I’m not really a superhuman …close maybe lol but I know I have my bad/down days… however… I also know perfectly well that worrying about something that I have no control over …something that might or might not happen… It would only make me anxious and miserable and making me miss out on all the good things I have in my life… and that… I want to try to avoid as much as I can… One day at the time… that’s how it works best for me… So in order to remind myself… I’m quoting my own writing that I posted on my Facebook page a while back…

Struggling with problems is a natural part of growing… and it is really OK to fall apart for a little while… I know I don’t always have to pretend to be strong… I know there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well… as long as someone besides me knows how I feel. For me… I’ve learned that my silence can be life threatening… Wouldn’t you rather risk looking like an idiot than trying to be brave and ending up hurt or worse?

Life is fragile… It is sudden… and it is shorter than it often seems… I have seen it way too many times… I accept the fact that I can not physically hug all my children… but as long as I have them in my heart… and in my memory… they are with me… Life shouldn’t be taken for granted… There may not be a tomorrow… not for everyone. Right now, someone on Earth is planning something for tomorrow without realizing they’re going to die today. This is sad but true… and therefore I try to spend my time wisely and pause long enough to appreciate each day… each moment I have…

Embrace your loved ones… tell them you love them every chance you get… Learn to love yourself… because if you don’t… it holds you back from truly loving another person… and always remember… every moment you get is a gift…