Last Friday I mentioned on Facebook about going in for a scope…
Going in… I already knew that the results would at least show that I’d be needing some stretching around the area where they connected my old and new esophagus… or behind my collarbone… but lately my swallowing has slowly become more and more of a struggle…
Those who know me and my backstory know that my ability to swallow has been quite a rollercoaster for years… and although I’ve had it worse …a lot worse… than right now… it’s been going pretty good for the past couple of years compared to what it was before the esophagectomy…
Anyway… last Friday… I was told I would be hearing from them in 2 to 3 days… and today was the 3rd working day… UHM… the call came… and since I don’t speak on the phone… Sunna talked to them…
Yes, there is a narrowing…. but it needs “further testing”… during the scope they took a sample/biopsy… They actually didn’t mention that to me at the time… or not as I can remember anyway… Sunna knew about it though… but that explains the soreness for sure… but that will take 8 more days!
Although they told Sunna not to “jump to conclusions” this isn’t what I needed on top on my already sky high anxiety lately… but for a while now… even before that scope… I’ve been having dreams/nightmares about cancer being back… I know that… especially for those of us who have fought the beast… the fear never goes away…
I know that wondering if the results will not be positive wont help… but I can not afford any more of this… I don’t want any more of it! My time is already running out as it is and I refuse to have that time spent with extra hospital time and doctor’s appointments
Life is supposed to be a well-illustrated book, bound neatly between two covers…. with the ink of its poetry spilling off every page… A life is supposed to be a story… and a story is supposed to have a beginning, a middle, and an end… For some of us there are chapters where life is hard…. For most… those chapters lead to other brighter chapters …chapters of some sort of triumph… some sort of revelation… a better life… I can not say every chapter in my book is filled with darkness ….even if it sure has felt like it sometimes… I know there are some pretty bright and uplifting moments in many of them… I also know that I often feel that even though I have felt genuine happiness… it’s like my state of mind… or state of entire being…. is unable to keep that feeling long enough…. There is always that fear….. Lingering in the back of my head…. A voice telling me to be careful whenever life feels ‘safe’….
I honestly don’t know though…. I wish I had an extra super charge power that could help me fight my own brain…. To stop the fear…. To silence the voices… to keep it clear of nonsense…. And above all… keep it clear and focused enough for me to do all the things *I have* to do before it’s too late…
If you’ve read this far…. I apologize for these incoherent “free-flow” ramblings… but they are all I have to give right now…. Thank you for being you <3 And… even though I know you mean well… please respect my wishes: Keep all religious comments of any kind to yourself…. My mind can not deal with those at all right now….
No apology needed. Ever. <3 And I don't think they're incoherent at all.
No apology needed. Ever. <3 And I don't think they're incoherent at all.
When my son Michael had to have a kidney transplant he was around 13 (I donated a kidney) it lasted 8 years and then he got a brain infection and they had to put a shunt in his brain., and he lost the kidney and ended back on dialysis 3 times a week for 3 hours., I always sat with him, The only distractions I can think of is your family and maybe you have a pet and I watched old movies., life is so hard sometimes, but I know this is very hard and I cannot do it, but some people say try and live 1 day at a time.
So many times you’ve mentioned that your thoughts seem rambling. They may feel that way in your head, but on paper, not so much. Often I have felt it’s more like poetry. Your description of life being a book with chapters was truly beautiful. Will be thinking of you as we wait to hear about your test results. Hit the hot tub later and try to relax.
Your thoughts are yours and I see no rambling here, you are brave, strong and far more coherent than you give yourself credit for, ❤️
I’m sorry. My mom would say “this life sure isn’t for sissies” when things like this happened. Does not come close to reality. I’ll be thinking of you.
No apologies needed. You have a way with words. Sending you lots of positive vibes and good thoughts your way. Hugs.
I DO UNDERSTAND!! I have these thoughts almost everyday now!!! The beast can be very scary once it controls our lives so much!! Thinking of you.. just do as I sometime.. go play music loud in earbuds and have a little weed when you can…❤️
I just got love for you my friend!
Sending lots of positive thoughts!!!!
I love the way your “rambling thoughts” flow, you need offer no apologies. Huge hugs and good thoughts winging their way towards you. ❤️
My state of mind looks alot like yours right now…scaniety…results on monday…had eusophugus reconstruction too…having fluids in my lungs right now…scared of the results…fear never goes away ….sending positive vibes your way from montreal my friend xxx
I just read your story. Gabriel. I have a pre cancerous esophagus., & I do worry about it becoming full blown cancer. I didn’t know that they could make you a new esophagus. I guess they will tell me that if it ever changes & has to be dealt with. I hope your result is good. Fingers crossed. ♥️
Gab your thoughts are never rambling or if they are to you they certainly aren’t to me. Im not sure what to say apart from when you have had cancer its a constant fear it will return and there is nothing i can say that will stop the worry that is there. But i will keep everything crossed for you i may look a bit odd but i dont care . As always im here if you want to chat just pop up and say hi and as always im sending you love and hugs my dear friend xx
❤️
Ramble away.Yet triggering, I completely Understand. Same here after my scope last Tuesday. Strange I too only got part of pathology….must Wait. Swirling thoughts and emotions. As NO pressure, you know you’re my inspiration, and I’m grateful for the post. Always hoping for the Best for You. Sorry about the waiting…..it’s maddening. (At least to me). And I’m not good at distraction. Just know you and yours are in my thoughts.Much Unconditional Love to You and Yours Always
Fear of the unknown is frequently harder than fear of the actual enemy! At least when the cards are on the table you know what you dealing with…now all you have is your overpowering, overstimulating imagination which is one of the greatest most frightening forces of the unknown. I hear there’s more solar flares. Maybe you guys can get away to see the aurora’s…as long as you’re not sleeping anyway! Hugs big guy!!!
Gabriel, the way you describe your life is nothing but rambling. I’m sending all my positive energy your way for nothing but goodness. Hugs and love ❤️
Sending lots of love and hugs for you and Sunna.
good vibes blowing your way
I think you did a wonderful job expressing your innermost feelings. You didn’t ramble at all. It was clear and from the heart. Keep up the battle, Gabriel. Sending you a big Canuck hug. Did you get it? 😉
Got it! Thank you my friend!
Man, you are a good catcher! 😉
You are loved Mister! You might be surprised. Whatever the answer, you will deal with it, with Sunna by your side!
Much love to you and best thoughts for a wonderful report!❤
Sending great big hugs, Gabriel. Catch!
All we can do is have positive thoughts. Love you ♥️
I think of you alot frankly. I do think your book has had more than it share of darkness. I am amazed at your ability to look at the bright side. Now, longer waits usually are good news, but I know that it does take awhile to get Bx results. I wish you have a very long vacation from your mind talking to you “the wrong way”, AND a break from cancer or esophageal problems. You are right to focus on your many blessings of family, grandchildren. I have no idea how hard it has been for you. But I can sense it has been a struggle. I have to believe everyone gets a break at some point!!! Lets just keep waiting for yours, until then reach out to those who care…we are hear to listen even if we cant make your world better!!!!
You always think your writing is rambling but I never think it is. Maybe because I know your story. Your words always mean a lot to me! And your desire to be here means a real lot! Sunna is a very lucky woman but then so are you Gabriel, very lucky to have her! Hugs to both of you!!!