Letters From The Moon

Remember... Every Moment You Get is a Gift
“We don’t have to live our lives forever defined by the damaging things that have happened to us. We are unique, we are irreplaceable. What lies within us can never be truly colonized, contorted, or taken away. The light never goes out”.

~ Eleanor Longden

Random Stuff

I’m 53… I’ve been playing the piano as long as I remember… Did my first concert at age 6… And last one at 26… I am working on adding a collection of recordings to my music website… both old and new… Occationally, I also share my videos on my Facebook account…

I can be goofy at times… but also have other more serious and/or darker moments… I can also seem awkward or weird/strange at times….

I write… or so I tell myself… I am currently working on my memoir… but the way things are going I’m going to need another 50 years to finish it… I don’t speak much in ‘3D-world’ and I prefer to write than to speak out loud…

I’ve been told… and admit… I have a need to explain everything too thoroughly and I often use too many words doing so… Sometimes I even find myself explaining things in writing that are written for my eyes only…

I’ve been told and silently admit to being an attention whore at times but at the same time I feel awkward when I get the attention… The only exception is when I play the piano…

I have lived on the street… I was drinking and doing drugs…. I’ve been drug free since January 1995…

If I am offended by something you do or say I will probably tell you.

For me two or more people are a crowd… My wife is one of 14 siblings who all have loads of kids… that have kids and they love having all sorts of get-togethers….

I love to cook for my family and the kitchen is mine 😉 In spite of my impaired sense of taste I’ve only had compliments so far but this is something I picked up while in mental hospital…

My Reasons for Living – My Family

I am married to Sunna, the most beautiful woman in the world… We first got married in 1986 and again on New Year’s Eve 1999/2000…

Sunna has given me nine precious children… Kim and Meg, (forever 5), David (forever 3) and Johnathan, (forever 1) lost their lives in a house fire on August 16th 1992. Amber (23) was only 4 months old at the time. Later we had Emma (19), Gabriel (17), Maria Carolyn (born still December 2000), and Rakel (12)…

I have one daughter Karen (21) on the side. She was adopted at birth…

My wife and I tried to look for her but without any luck… Karen however found us in May 2012 only to find her old man in a mental hospital in a semi sedated state of mind… We’ve met since and she is just as sweet as the rest of my children…

Insanity or Sanity in an Insane world?

I am a survivor of abuse… I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused (or tortured) by my mother from since I was a baby until I was 26 years old, or until the day she died…. and also sexually abused – raped repeatedly by a teacher… starting when I was 9 years old…

“My story” of abuse, loss/grief, mental and physical illness is massive (for lack of a better word) and I know sometimes people get thrown back… I however refuse to keep quiet about it and if I feel like talking/writing about something… I just do it…

I have been blogging online since 1998, though I felt I had to take a long brake from 2005-2014 due to my mental health. In 1998-99 to 2004 I used to blog mostly about my past and/or what was going on inside my head at the time… some of which I wouldn’t blog about now but I’m glad I did at the time…

I’ve had many diagnosis of mental illness throughout my life, such as depression (or Major depression with psychotic features), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as multiple personality disorder, Bipolar, Anorexia Nervosa, Paranoid Schizophrenia … to name a few… I have also struggled with severe self-harm and anxiety and Agoraphobia…

I don’t respond well to medication for depression… been through many of them… most with no help at all… The only thing that has worked well for me is Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) or shock treatment… It’s nothing like you see in the movies btw…. Last time I had it was in November/December 2014…

My current diagnosis is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and in 2012 I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia… About a year before that my daughter Amber was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type, which is Schizophrenia with a mood disorder (like depression or bipolar…) I am also 99% sure my mother had Schizophrenia as well but to my knowledge she was never diagnosed as such and not on medications for it….

I’ve had symptoms of Schizophrenia for a long time before I was diagnosed but was too afraid to let anyone know because I realized I had some of the same symptoms my mother had… and with that said… I can’t help wondering…. what if she had been on meds for her schizophrenia…

in 2003 my wife was told I had no hope of ever being a ‘functional human’ due to my mental health and that I didn’t have much hope of getting any better… Well I still have issues… but I’ve come a long way… and I believe I can do more…

I consider myself lucky that most of my schizophrenia symptoms can be controlled with medication… I do have voices in my head when things go difficult with the outside world and my PTSD symptoms are still there sometimes… but over all I’m harmless and a fairly normal guy…

The Gut (and Glory)

As a child I remember having all sorts of “tummy problems”… and/or pain… some of which was directly from physical abuse or torture… I was malnourished for sure… I remember being hungry…. and either living on occasional leftovers or being fed (or “stealing” food) only to be forced to throw it up later… I was forced to heat dangerously hot liquids that burned my mouth/throat/esophagus… I was forced to eat substances/things that were far from being meant to be consumed by a human …and/or any living being for that matter…

In 2001 – 2003 I was starving myself which I believe now was just another form of self-destructive behavior on my part… but some of that story can be found in my old journal entries (2002-2004)…

I started working on recovering from the eating disorder but ran into complications. I couldn’t keep anything down… and was feeling sick all the time… No one believed me at first and thought I was just “acting out” against recovery… I was at an extremely low weight, and really nothing but skin and bones… malnourished and I could hardly stand up without fainting…

At last I was sent to a GI specialist who made me go through all kinds of tests, and procedures to check out my stomach… I had severe fear/phobia of doctors and hospitals… and I didn’t tell them everything… At this point I already had symptoms of Ulcerative Colitis… I had constant bloody diarrhea… severe abdominal pain… dehydration… and other more ‘embarrassing’ symptoms… but I didn’t tell anyone mostly due to my fear of doctors and because this was something that I felt I couldn’t cope with having done some research on my symptoms and imagining the worst… I should mention that at this point I didn’t care if I was in pain. Actually at the time I believed that pain was a good thing, especially since I was on constant monitoring and therefore unable to hurt myself… Also, I didn’t care if I would die from all of this….

This is also where my mental health was completely going down the drain… or what was left of it… I was delusional, I was hallucinating and I was severely depressed to a point where I gave up and started to make a plan to end my life… but at the same time keeping what was going on inside of me a secret from everyone around me… as I needed that physical pain… but the pain was a big part of my delusional beliefs at the time … I had to ‘buy time’ to be able to write notes to my wife and my children…

To make a long story short… – First round… I was diagnosed with acid re-flux, bleeding stomach ulcers, severe scar tissue and a disaster waiting to happen… possibility of my stomach bursting any time soon… followed by a surgery… Then later… after more “you’re not working on your recovery” and then more tests… Gastroparesis… or delayed stomach emptying… and/or abnormal movement of the stomach…. everything from no contractions to spasm like movements, causing content from my small intestine go up to my stomach and/or stomach content getting up to my esophagus ….and “possibly Crohn’s” was also thrown at me… and questions like why the hell didn’t you say anything?

In spite of medication and first tube feedings of every kind there is I think and later TPN and back to a j-tube.. Nothing seems to be helping… and I was sent to surgery…

A few months later… I had more tests which made me believe I was being abused/tortured yet again as it triggered memories from my childhood… Diagnosis – Ulcerative Colitis and scheduled for surgery…. but ….emergency surgery done a little before schedule… Total colectomy and an ileostomy…

After that, things started to look better for me physically… but mentally I was still a wreck and I somehow managed to put on a mask and keep all that a secret… I was still sticking to the plan of taking my own life… I spend a good while writing letters to my wife and messages to my children… I finally was able to finish those… and it was finally time… but well… I failed…. but only by sheer coincidence… I admit this is something that I don’t like to talk about but I wrote a journal entry about it on my website and later another one which BTW is password-ed…for now at least… (Feel free to contact me for the password – I will most likely give it to you)

It was not easy to accept I had failed at first… but today I am thankful for being alive… Since then I have been dealing with the consequences of my suicide attempt. It left me with permanent self-inflicted damage to my upper GI from my mouth/tongue down to my stomach…

In August 2015 I went in for an endoscopy… and possible dilatation of my esophagus… It never came to that though…but along with some complications during the procedure and more tests there after I was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus… Luckily the cancer was caught early… but in September I had a surgery where my esophagus was removed along with my stomach… no other treatment… but in August 2016 cancer was found in my bladder which turned out to be much more aggressive than the first time…

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  3. No. 11 Piano Gabriel J Arsante 2:57
  4. Forever in my Heart Gabriel J Arsante 3:36
  5. Chopin Piano Concerto No. 1 - Movem. II - Romance, Larghetto Gabriel J. Arsante 9:58
  6. Canon In D 2014 Gabriel J. Arsante 2:28