A moment in tears

He can feel the tears in his eyes as he walks to her and silently put his arms around her…
   – What’s wrong? she asks as she wraps her arms around him…
   – Nothing’s wrong.
   – Then what is it? she asks again and he can sense she’s worried…
   – Nothing’s wrong… he replies… I just remembered something….
   – What is it?
   – I just remembered how much I love you…. and I realized how horrible I’ve been to you…

*tears*

   – Can you forgive me? he asks through the tears…. Can you forgive me for everything that I have put you through? …and please don’t say it was never my fault…. I just need to hear you say that you can forgive me…
   – Yes of course I can my love…. I have already forgiven you… I love you…
…and for a while they just stand there in silence in the middle of the kitchen in each other’s arms and cry together….

The Best Thing

What is better to lay in the hiding place
daydreaming about all the beautiful things…
things, that could be?

Laying on the ground watching the clouds dance
They dance in the sky by the music of nature.
A butterfly touching his nose
The bees sing and dance with the flowers.

The hiding place is the only place where this kind of beauty exists.
Here he can talk to the voices…or play with them.
They can all forget ….for a short moment.

Here he doesn’t think about the bad things that will happen when he returns
Or about the fear nor the pain.

Here he is free and for a moment all of this only belongs to him,
the birds, the clouds and the music….

(old writings: July 25 1981 – age 15/16)

gente della luna

“It’s dark and it’s cold outside” she says “and that is where you should be right now….”

he puts on his shoes… he wished for new shoes… new socks too maybe…. something that didn’t have holes in it… He was only allowed to use shoes with no holes when he had to be somewhere where people could see…

“No coat this time” she said. “That’s the best way for now.”

she opens the door and the little boy walks slowly towards the freezing night…. the wind isn’t too strong so it’s going to be fine…. he considered himself lucky because this time she said cloths were OK… she didn’t even say anything when he put his shoes on.

“Now remember to walk around and don’t lay down.” he heard her say as he started walking away from the house. He was scared and he was cold… If only the moon would come out…. then it wouldn’t be so dark….

He didn’t look where he was going but all of a sudden, as he woke up from his thoughts, he noticed he was only a few feet away from the river. He had been there so many times before…. it was like his feet knew where to take him…

A few crocked trees…. behind them his secret place… his home away from it all and where he could lay down and rest….

He wasn’t sure how long he had been sleeping… it couldn’t have been more than 10 minutes…. but he heard a sound…. He looked up from his hiding place and saw the brightest and the biggest moon he’d ever seen before…. “Come and dance with me… play with me” a little voice said from the behind…. and they danced and plaid in the moonlight… they laughed…. it felt good…. from this moment on they would be…. la gente della luna…. the people of the moon….

Note: This is originally from an old journal/writings dated December 1978, or when I was 13 years old… translated to English February 2002

How are you?

How are you? I’m OK

People ask this very simple question….only three words… ”How are you?” I want to tell them the truth but instead I say… ”I am OK” even when I’m not..

…but why… why is it so hard to tell the truth? Let me tell you…

One time there was a little boy. He didn’t have much love in his life…all he had was the attention he got when he played the piano for a full room of people… They all loved him… The little boy liked that…all these smiling faces…the clapping and people telling him how good he was… that he was even better than people who had been doing this for many years… When the little boy was not playing the piano for people… his life was filled with fear and pain and nobody smiled at him… he feared for his life… he was too afraid to cry… nobody comforted him…

He learned to act like everything was fine… he hid his scars and bruises… When he played the piano he became a different little boy… There were times he couldn’t hide the fear in his eyes… and people started to ask questions… How are you? They asked… I’m OK he replied and smiled….

The little boy grew up and he didn’t have to go through the bad things ever again…but he didn’t know anything else… He kept his silence and kept saying “I am OK” all the time…when in reality he was dying on the inside… the fear and the pain didn’t go away… It got only got worse… Then one night he was alone and in his loneliness he decides to try out the new computer… he surfs through a few pages… Then he comes across a website that has a link to another website…and the link says “This website saved my life”

He decides to have a look….

After a few visits to this website he discovers a whole new side of himself… There really is ok to tell people how you really feel… it’s strange….it’s new…. It’s OK to say “I am not doing so well” when you are not doing good…. He meets many people there and becomes friends with many of them…. but this place isn’t the kind of place where he can talk about the bad stuff that happened when he was little…

Even though he can talk about it with some of his friends there…. so when the memories starts hunting him he closes up again…. ”I am OK”….

Now he feels ”OK” on the outside but inside…. no human words can describe what’s going on in there… so why not say…. ”I am OK”?

Dear Word

Hello Word! I greet you because you allow me explore the world…. You allow me to hear what is on the minds of my friends. You allow me to use you to comfort a friend in need…. or to have a good laugh with my friends. You also allow me to use you to write or speak.

Sometimes when I am feeling down, you make me feel good again…. I hear people telling me that they care… or even love me… They can tell me that because they know you, Words.

I care about you because of that…

But, Word my friend, there is something I have to tell you.

Sometimes when I hear you or read you.. a picture flashes inside my head. I get afraid and I feel like the world is spinning so fast that I have to lie down on the floor where I stand so I won’t fall off.

Sometimes when I hear you… an urge that I have gets stronger… A tiny little remark from a friend… or a pretty innocent computer task can take away all my self-control…

I cannot know before I hear you, Word, how it is going to make me react. Sometimes I hear you and have no problems at all other times I hear you and my existence tumbles a part… …but I am learning…

What makes it hard though is when a friend uses you, Word, and when that friend feels he or she has used you in a wrong way.
That hurts me and makes me feel so sad…

I hope we will continue to be friends after this rant of mine… but this is what I wanted to tell you, Word.
Love Gabriel

Anger? Fear? Grief?

He was able to stand on a big stage in front of hundreds of people and to make them smile… create music that would bring people to cry…

He was able to put his demons a side and share his gift to the world. But somewhere on the way the demons took that away…the moments where he would be safe, alone on the stage… and afterwards hear them calling for more…

That was the time when the one person he wanted to accept him would say nice things about him… after a concert…. That were the moments he felt normal, and even thought it only lasted for a little while it made the time at home with her a little better.

But then somehow it became harder for him to go up there and enjoy it all…. Maybe it was because she was showing him a different kind of attention now…

And then she just left… and he felt all alone. He hated her for leaving like that and he was afraid… and he was angry with her… That fear and that anger made him believe that he would never enjoy the stage anymore….

Anger can make people do things that at the time they won’t think they will ever regret and he truly believed that he would never have any regrets… but he was wrong…

One moment in pain he felt he deserved… a moment that changed everything.

He thought to him self…

– This is where she flourished… this is where she was proud so that should be taken away from her…from the memory of her. She left and I am still here.

So he cut that part away and that did no longer exist in his life…

The anger and the fear were still there…. But it was different…

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