Bits and pieces…

twins

The small treasures… the memories…

Memories that give you goosebumps …make you smile…

Memories of laughter… a child voice… children playing while you work…

You remember the words they used… and you smile…

You remember Kim’s interest in learning how to play the piano… you remember her sitting on your lap at the piano asking you to play something… of her saying…

“I want to know what it feels like”

…and you remember Meg dancing around in her tutu… pretending to be a ballerina…

You close your eyes… as you play… and you can hear them… hear their little voices… hear their laughter … or their bickering over a barbie doll and what dress she should wear… You hear them solve the argument as one of them suggests the blue fairy princess dress…

“Play the tummy tickle song daddy!” one of them says…
…and they laugh… and they dance… and they laugh…

“Play something beautiful!”

…and they dance… and they smile… and they dance… like two little butterflies…

You smile… They are yours forever… and you feel you are the luckiest dad in the world…

Forever 5 years old…
Happy 29th Birthday Kim and Meg.
I love you always <3

Twenty three years…

The night before our last goodbye…

I spent most of the night with her… It wasn’t bad… She was calm… unusually calm… She told me I was good… It’s 5:30 in the morning… She tells me to go… I give her a good night kiss and head home to my wife with a black spot on my heart…

I decide to quietly look at the kids… to see if they are alright… In the girl’s room I almost fall flat on my face in the dark while trying to climb over a pile of cloths lying on the floor… I manage to keep my balance and I stand there quietly… just long enough to hear them breathing peacefully in tune with each other….

Mr. Teddy Bear and David have kicked the covers down to the floor so I pick it up and tug both of them in… But as I leave the room his arm and his leg reach out from under it…

It’s already getting close to the time when Johnny usually wakes up and I’ll just take a peek at him… just enough to convince myself that he’s ok…

From the master bedroom I can hear Amber is starting to wake up…

Within a few minutes the house is awake… and no time for me to sleep as Sunna and I had to leave early…

We were invited to a birthday party in the city about 5-6 hours away by car… I wasn’t that keen on going at all but I was willing to do it for my wife… and she was really looking forward to it…

A few days before… my mother had said she would be more than happy to babysit the kids but Sunna suggested we would just take the kids with us since her sister had already offered to baby-sit for us while we were at the party…

Taking five children on a long drive wasn’t exactly my idea of “a brake” or fun at the time so I told Sunna that it would be better for them to just stay at home… Somehow I got her to agree with me to leave the twins and the boys at home… We would only take Amber with us but she was only a few months old and still breast feeding…

We said our goodbyes in the morning and took off. I remember telling Sunna not to worry because we would be back the next day.

When we arrived to the city we took the baby to my sister in law and spent a few hours there… then in the evening we went off to the party. I don’t really remember much from the party but we didn’t stay there very long… At least the party was still ongoing when we left… but instead of going back to Sunna’s sister place we drove around the city for a while…

It must have been almost 3 o’clock when we decided to go to Aurora’s house and go to sleep. When we got there we could hear Amber crying and I thought that something must be wrong with her. I remember thinking something like “Maybe she was sick”…

When we got inside… Aurora was on the phone and we could see that she had been crying. When she saw us she put the phone down and walked towards us with tears flowing down her cheeks. She told us to sit down and hold each other. We had no idea what she was getting at but did what she’d told us.

I didn’t want to believe what she said….

There had been a fire at our house and our children and my mother had died. Everything was destroyed!

My Boys

Today is a special day…

Exactly Twenty three years ago a little baby boy was born… our fourth child… and our second son… After a late night of work, I sat by his bed at night and listened to his breathing… watching him… I held him in my arms and looking into his eyes… thinking to myself – “I created this” – I hope I will never forget his smile…

I only had a chance to watch him sleep and hold him in my arms for 14 moths…

Sixteen years ago another little baby boy was born… our eighth child… and our third son…
He, like many little boys was active… and he did his share of boyish things… chased ‘bad-guys’ as spider-man… played ball in the living-room braking momma’s stuff… fell of his bike and hurt his knee… and made silly jokes making everyone around him laugh…

Happy birthday Johnny and Gabriel… You’ll always be ‘my boys’… Love you guys!

Little Butterflies

I saw them again today
Smiling and running around
Like two little butterflies
For a while I wished they were mine

They stopped for a second and looked at my face
“Why do you cry?” one of them asked.
I couldn’t reply
Instead I just closed my eyes
My heart was crying inside
I thought to myself “What if they were alive?”

To Kim and Meg Arsante (April 15th 1987 – August 16th 1992)

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