The Painist and the Girl

For a moment time stood still
The clock, a second past eleven
Walking slowly, gracefully
Sitting down by the window
He watches her… stunned by her beauty
The music starts… he still can’t take his eyes of her
Her body, her posture, her statuesque beauty

Reality hits as he misses the first note
As he continues on he hears a voice inside
No room in Wonderland for such beauty
– “You can’t have her”
– “You can’t have her”
They go on all through the night

Narrative voice of the voyeur explains
A story told countless times before
A formation, black and white, scarlet
Multi-colored ultraviolence

What they preach cannot be broken
It’s the law – or is it?
He made it through –

Seems like the roof will explode as the millennials cheer
She stands up, she´s smiling clapping her hands
Compliment from someone close by
He smiles but keeps his eyes on her

He feels anxious – tightness in his chest
Someone hands him a glass of his favorite medicine
Each sip – A glass – Makes him feel more and more divine
With it he can fly, socially high, so high he never wants to come down
He is the man of the night, the man of the party
Dancing on tables with girls
Giving people high fives
He’s the star

No sign of her.

A random girl speaks of engagement.
“Marry me?” she asks.
The Formless black polypous beings
Their bloodshot eyes lingers behind her
The other girls seem unexciting
He wants her and her only.
“You can’t have her” the voice in his head repeats
“You can’t have her”
Fallen Arch angel – having sinned
Even the beasts agree
He feels anger building up inside of him
Fear and overwhelming emotions of never seeing her again
The floor, the ground has opened up underneath his feet
He can feel everybody’s eyes piercing through his skin
Like a light switch
Flipped on or off
His lights go out

He’s thankful for being stubborn and a rebel
There are more tickets… more for her…

Do you believe in love at first sight? …I do… and I’m married to her…

We’ve had our ups and downs… we’ve separated once but I found my way back to her… and she let me back into her life… we’ve loved and lost …together… we have grown … together…

I’ve said it before… I’m not the easiest person to live with for a number of reasons… but I am grateful for that night where I had the worst performance of my life…

I have hurt her with my illnesses – so many times – made her worry…. made her cry
In psychosis I have blamed her wrongly…. called her names… hurt her in so many ways…

Sometimes I feel as she can do so much better than loving me… Sometimes I feel as I don’t deserve her …her attention ….her love…. but I am grateful for all the nights (and days) I’ve had her standing beside me no matter what…. in sickness and in health… I am grateful for all the laughs we’ve had together, all the tears we’ve cried together…

A moment in tears (- again )
He can feel the tears in his eyes as he walks to her and silently put his arms around her…
– What’s wrong? she asks as she wraps her arms around him…
– Nothing’s wrong.
– Then what is it? she asks again and he can sense she’s worried…
– Nothing’s wrong… he replies… I just remembered something….
– What is it?
– I just remembered how much I love you… and I realized how horrible I’ve been to you…
– Can you forgive me? he asks through the tears… Can you forgive me for everything that I have put you through? …and please don’t say it was never my fault… I just need to hear you say that you can forgive me…
– Yes of course I can my love… I have already forgiven you… I love you…
…and for a while they just stand there in silence in the middle of the kitchen in each other’s arms and cry together….

For each moment to come, I will do my very best to be a better husband for you…

Words can’t describe my feelings for her…. I love her with every bit of every cell in my body… so much that sometimes it hurts and that’s when I am reminded to keep on fighting so I can stay with her a little bit longer…

The thing is that the girl I love is 50 years young today… Happy birthday Sunna!

[mp3-jplayer tracks=”FEED:/wp-content/uploads/mp3/Moonlight” width=’100%’ height=’auto’ images=’’ style=’text wtransbars’ dload=’n’ captions=”Gabriel Arsante – Moonlight Sonata”]


My scars, all of them
They hurt today
Almost feel like new
Like I just cut them
My organs are failing
One by one, dying
Painfully falling asleep
The whole body aches
The soul is falling asleep
The brain is hyperactive
Spinning on overdrive
Planting delusions in me
The familiar sound of evil
Voices sounding like ‘her’

Sei satana. Sei diabolico

No! I shout
On repeat
There is always tomorrow
It will be a better day

Sometimes we have bad days… but there is always tomorrow to look forward too…

Insecurity – ???

All of you were my whole existence
My lifeline – my sanity
You didn’t know my inner world
I may have spoken of dancing
Wanting to stand on mountain tops
You put me high on a golden pedestal
“You can do anything!” you said with admiration
I wasn’t the one you believed me to be
I wasn’t your savior or your superhero
Inside my fears were magnifying
Like a bubble that would burst
A ticking time bomb
Nothing to hold on to
Rolling down hill
Faster and faster
Scratches, cuts and bruises
Black and blue
Broken bones
Inside and out
I was never coming back
but I am still here
…terrified you won’t like me anymore…

Re-posted from my HelloPoetry page

Little Butterflies

I saw them again today
Smiling and running around
Like two little butterflies
For a while I wished they were mine

They stopped for a second and looked at my face
“Why do you cry?” one of them asked.
I couldn’t reply
Instead I just closed my eyes
My heart was crying inside
I thought to myself “What if they were alive?”

To Kim and Meg Arsante (April 15th 1987 – August 16th 1992)

Dear Schizophrenia

I didn’t invite you
I didn’t ask you to try to run my life
I will not let you, we will not let you.

I didn’t ask you to color my thoughts
To spice up my life with horror and fear
You will not be allowed to win

I didn’t ask you to take away my youth
I didn’t invite you to be a part of my family
To sneak up on us until it was almost too late

We’ll be watching you …together
Just remember… you’re not welcome here
We will fight


Voices in the back of my head
screaming at me… screaming off anger…of fear
lost deep inside… in the darkness

Voices telling me to help… to listen….
telling me to be good and give them hugs….
show that I care and can share my things…

Voices…. silent but leading me through to the light…
Voices that want to help me walk the right path…
saying they care… do they really care?

Voices saying…. I’m evil
telling me I should hurt… feel pain…
suffer… to be safe… and above all… don’t tell…

Never in a million years

For Johnny (June 20th 1991 – August 16th 1992)
It wasn’t supposed to be like this
Never in a million years
So many things left unlearned
But darkness came and took you
…took you all away
…too little …too soon
It wasn’t supposed to be like this
Never in a million years
So many things left unsaid
I’m alone in the night
Darkness fills my soul
Hiding my feelings
Out of everyone’s sight
Despair fills my soul
Which as a fact is quite strange
Cause inside feels empty
The sadness and confusion
Like a lost little boy
I feel like an oyster
Without its precious pearl
It wasn’t supposed to be like this
Never in a million years
So many things left undone
And then like magic…
Like you were speaking to us…
Telling us to be OK
You sent us a gift
…most precious gift
It felt like you were here
Living with us… through him
Giving us strength
To live life and not “just be”
I’ll never forget
And I’ll always miss you
It wasn’t supposed to be like this
Never in a million years
But we’ll meet again
This just has to be true
(c) 1998 Gabriel

multicolor darkness

This is the best i can do for now… just typing… out of context… single words that don’t really form a full sentence or a paragraph…
I need to do this for me…

…it’s like someone has turned off the lights…. or something….
the lighting is strange… multicolored… but yet so dark…
room wakes up…
furniture transform into something beyond this world…
… monsters, giant insects…
the walls move… like they are coming closer… they will slowly crush you…
bury you in themselves… a concrete coffin…
…a familiar voice… but right now it doesn’t feel right…
you know the familiar voice… it used to be friendly…
now it’s going to hurt someone… something? it’s going to hurt…
…you don’t know what… or how… or even why…
but it will hurt something…
colors flying… lights… but yet so dark…
“safe yourself” … you think to yourself…
…but you can’t… you can’t run… you can’t hide… they WILL find you anyway…
You try to move… but you can’t… someone… something is holding you down…
no matter how hard you try to push…
and all you can do is to stop pushing… and give in…
… and you close your eyes and float away into a deep dreamless sleep

Never Forget

In the strangeness of my world
I see you stab my body
I see you break my bones
You whisper into my ears
“This way you will never forget”
Falling down into the deep
Walls of shadows built up around me
They crush my body…so tight…
Suffocating feelings, images from the past.
What did I do? Why is this happening?
Am I awake? …or am I dreaming?

I need a brake….

walking in the darkness
looking for the light
feel tired want to sleep
want to dream about tomorrow
…not see yesterday’s nightmares
afraid of the darkness
never sure of what’s hiding there
demons and beasts jumping out of every corner
flashing images of pain and destruction
sound, word, taste, smell…a jumping reminder
create… it’s possible
you hear the sound of happiness
you see what they do
how they live…how they laugh
you can be one of them too
But how?
It’s easier to destroy than to create…

We need a brake…. we’re not going anywhere….but we will be back when we feel better…. soon… I hope….

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