Moments of Being

The Night Before Our Last Goodbye…

I spent most of the night with her… It wasn’t bad… She was calm… unusually calm… She told me I was “doing good”…  but yet she warned me as usual, to “be careful” …  Of course I knew what she meant by that… and I told her, like I always did… not to worry…. I would…

Time passes in a blur… spent consciously in a faraway place deep inside…

It’s 5:30 in the morning… She tells me to go… I give her a goodnight kiss and head home to my wife with a black spot on my heart… It’s just a few minutes walk… 15 minutes tops…

It’s a little dark… and cloudy…  no moon  or stars in sight…  and it’s a bit chilly… but no wind

I decide to quietly look at the kids… to see if they are alright… In the girl’s room I almost fall flat on my face in the dark while trying to climb over a pile of cloths lying on the floor…

I smile… as I remember them playing dress up a few days before and Meg putting on too many layers of cloths with her sister’s assistance… then unable to get herself out of the mess since her sister refuses to help her out….

I manage to keep my balance and I stand there quietly… just long enough to hear them breathing peacefully in tune with each other….

I climb back over the mountain of clothes and into the boy’s room….

Mr. Teddy Bear and David have kicked the covers down to the floor so I pick it up and tug both of them in… But as I leave the room his arm and his leg reach out from under it…

It’s already getting close to the time when Johnny usually wakes up and I’ll just take a peek at him… just enough to convince myself that he’s OK…

From the master bedroom I can hear Amber is starting to wake up…

Within a few minutes the house is awake… and no time for me to sleep as Sunna and I had to leave early…

The Last Goodbye

We were invited to a birthday party in the city… Honestly I wasn’t that keen on going at all but I was willing to do it for my wife… and she was really looking forward to it.

A few days before… my mother had said she would be more than happy to babysit the kids but Sunna suggested we would just take the kids with us since her sister had already offered to baby-sit for us while we were at the party…

Taking five children on a long drive wasn’t exactly my idea of “a brake” or fun at the time so I told Sunna that it would be better for them to just stay at home… Somehow I got her to agree with me to leave the twins and the boys at home… We would only take Amber with us but she was only a few months old and still breast feeding…

We said our goodbyes in the morning and took off. I remember telling Sunna not to worry because we would be back the next day.

When we arrived to the city we took the baby to my sister in law and spent a few hours there… then in the evening we went off to the party. I don’t really remember much from the party but we didn’t stay there very long… At least the party was still ongoing when we left… but instead of going back to Sunna’s sister place we drove around the city for a while…

It must have been almost 3 o’clock when we decided to go to Aurora’s house and go to sleep. When we got there we could hear Amber crying and I thought that something must be wrong with her. I remember thinking something like “Maybe she was sick”…

When we got inside… Aurora was on the phone and we could see that she had been crying. When she saw us she put the phone down and walked towards us with tears flowing down her cheeks. She told us to sit down and hold each other. We had no idea what she was getting at but did what she’d told us.

I didn’t want to believe what she said….

There had been a fire at our house and our children and my mother had died. Everything was destroyed!

Chaotic Evil

I got on the phone and called my father. I realized this wasn’t some kind of a sick joke as I was hoping.  I can’t remember what we said… what words were used… but there was agitation… anger at my end of the line….

My only thought was that this was my fault.  I hadn’t done what I was supposed to do since we left the house….  and now…. it was too late…

I remember debating in my head… – what to do –

The news of the children dying was horrible but…. The mother didn’t exist anymore…

The same words kept playing inside my head… over and over again… This is all your fault diabolico….  I felt I had to do something about it…  but it had to wait…. I had to be alone for that…

Everything went crazy that night. Sunna wanted to go back home but I couldn’t find any reason to go and Aurora was also telling Sunna not to go.  She was right as this wasn’t a good time for her to be driving anyway.

Soon Aurora’s house was full of Sunna’s family.   I couldn’t stay any longer…  I took off without saying goodbye to anyone….   ended up in the nearest bar….   Had a few  drinks… and there was that voice again…

–   “This is all your fault, DIABOLICO” !

Another voice, much weaker….

–   “You’re free! –  She’s not here to control you anymore…”

I felt I could never go back there… To me it seemed that there was nothing there to go back to…

That though was even more scarier than the rest…  She wasn’t there anymore!  I was alone!  I could never say anything about it…  no one would ever know…  I was free to do what I wanted but afraid…. Afraid and relieved at the same time…

I felt guilty…. it was all my fault… I knew I had been slacking off… being careless… I was EVIL… just like she said…

–   “Put on earth to destroy people’s lives… in disguise off an angel… “

My mother wanted to take care of the children and I had convinced Sunna to leave them at home… She wanted them to come with us….   I should have listened to the signs… the dream…. nightmare a week before…

I shouldn’t have slacked of…  I needed to feel what it was like…. to burn… to feel it burning….  It had to wait until the morning….  until the pharmacy was open…

Twenty three years…

The night before our last goodbye…

I spent most of the night with her… It wasn’t bad… She was calm… unusually calm… She told me I was good… It’s 5:30 in the morning… She tells me to go… I give her a good night kiss and head home to my wife with a black spot on my heart…

I decide to quietly look at the kids… to see if they are alright… In the girl’s room I almost fall flat on my face in the dark while trying to climb over a pile of cloths lying on the floor… I manage to keep my balance and I stand there quietly… just long enough to hear them breathing peacefully in tune with each other….

Mr. Teddy Bear and David have kicked the covers down to the floor so I pick it up and tug both of them in… But as I leave the room his arm and his leg reach out from under it…

It’s already getting close to the time when Johnny usually wakes up and I’ll just take a peek at him… just enough to convince myself that he’s ok…

From the master bedroom I can hear Amber is starting to wake up…

Within a few minutes the house is awake… and no time for me to sleep as Sunna and I had to leave early…

We were invited to a birthday party in the city about 5-6 hours away by car… I wasn’t that keen on going at all but I was willing to do it for my wife… and she was really looking forward to it…

A few days before… my mother had said she would be more than happy to babysit the kids but Sunna suggested we would just take the kids with us since her sister had already offered to baby-sit for us while we were at the party…

Taking five children on a long drive wasn’t exactly my idea of “a brake” or fun at the time so I told Sunna that it would be better for them to just stay at home… Somehow I got her to agree with me to leave the twins and the boys at home… We would only take Amber with us but she was only a few months old and still breast feeding…

We said our goodbyes in the morning and took off. I remember telling Sunna not to worry because we would be back the next day.

When we arrived to the city we took the baby to my sister in law and spent a few hours there… then in the evening we went off to the party. I don’t really remember much from the party but we didn’t stay there very long… At least the party was still ongoing when we left… but instead of going back to Sunna’s sister place we drove around the city for a while…

It must have been almost 3 o’clock when we decided to go to Aurora’s house and go to sleep. When we got there we could hear Amber crying and I thought that something must be wrong with her. I remember thinking something like “Maybe she was sick”…

When we got inside… Aurora was on the phone and we could see that she had been crying. When she saw us she put the phone down and walked towards us with tears flowing down her cheeks. She told us to sit down and hold each other. We had no idea what she was getting at but did what she’d told us.

I didn’t want to believe what she said….

There had been a fire at our house and our children and my mother had died. Everything was destroyed!

Birthday memorial

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November Rain

This song is precious to me…. as it holds precious memories…. memories that I never want to forget… I don’t have many memories left of her… my little sister… where she is healthy and the bubbly funny girl she was….

This was one of Maria’s favorite songs… I have memories of us playing it together…. me on the piano… her on the flute… This is just me playing… and even tho it’s not the same version… I can hear her on the flute… for both of those songs…

Memories

A big bright room… too bright… a piano… He’s alone in there… There is window but it’s dark on the other side… but he knows she’s there… and a man he has never seen before…

He’s tired… and he’s hurting… but in spite of the pain he knows he has to sit down and play for them…

He pauses for a second or two… but then sits down at the piano and waits for the sign…

He wants to do well…

He starts playing….

39 years later… about 5 or 6 days ago… he is…. like so many times before… going through some of his old recordings… He comes across this piece again…. but he knows he is in no shape to listen to it…

He has been fighting depression… Even though he may smile or laugh occasionally he’s depressed as hell… Sometimes he just sits and stares into thin air… His body feels heavy… and he’s unable to move… or like something is on top of him pushing him down… he can’t get up… he feels sad ….or hopeless…. tired… old….

Memories from his past jump out of nowhere…. when they are least expected…

He listens….

He hears voices… not the one that he normally hears… but voices from the past…

This is the time when he doesn’t want to exist…. He has bad thoughts…. thoughts that have almost destroyed him in the past…. and it makes his anxiety go sky high…. and he feels a whole lot of guilt…. for almost everything… even things he knows deep down are not even close to being his fault…. He tells himself his thoughts are not true… but it doesn’t change the effect they have on him… they are still too strong… they feel too real to ignore….

He turns of the music… or maybe the piece just finished…. He walks into his living room… to his piano… sits down… and plays…. He can feel her behind him… the pain when she ‘does what she has to do’ …but he keeps on playing… His body aches… from top to bottom… but he keeps on playing…

I need my brain to understand… it can’t let those memories take over… consume every nerve in my body… every cell… and leave me broken for days thereafter…

I want to be able to sit down and play without reliving events from my past… I need to do that… for me… and me only….

This recording was made today… It isn’t perfect…. it wasn’t done effortlessly …or without an unwanted and painful memory from the past… Someday it will be…

River Flows In You – Yiruma

This is a cover by me… Apparently Yiruma has fans in Sunna’s family so I thought I better try out some of his work…

It’s not perfect but I hope you can enjoy it anyway 😉

The Painist and the Girl

For a moment time stood still
The clock, a second past eleven
Walking slowly, gracefully
Sitting down by the window
He watches her… stunned by her beauty
The music starts… he still can’t take his eyes of her
Her body, her posture, her statuesque beauty

Reality hits as he misses the first note
As he continues on he hears a voice inside
No room in Wonderland for such beauty
– “You can’t have her”
– “You can’t have her”
They go on all through the night

Narrative voice of the voyeur explains
A story told countless times before
A formation, black and white, scarlet
Multi-colored ultraviolence

What they preach cannot be broken
It’s the law – or is it?
He made it through –

Seems like the roof will explode as the millennials cheer
She stands up, she´s smiling clapping her hands
Compliment from someone close by
He smiles but keeps his eyes on her

He feels anxious – tightness in his chest
Someone hands him a glass of his favorite medicine
Each sip – A glass – Makes him feel more and more divine
With it he can fly, socially high, so high he never wants to come down
He is the man of the night, the man of the party
Dancing on tables with girls
Giving people high fives
He’s the star

No sign of her.

A random girl speaks of engagement.
“Marry me?” she asks.
The Formless black polypous beings
Their bloodshot eyes lingers behind her
The other girls seem unexciting
He wants her and her only.
“You can’t have her” the voice in his head repeats
“You can’t have her”
Fallen Arch angel – having sinned
Even the beasts agree
He feels anger building up inside of him
Fear and overwhelming emotions of never seeing her again
The floor, the ground has opened up underneath his feet
He can feel everybody’s eyes piercing through his skin
Like a light switch
Flipped on or off
His lights go out

He’s thankful for being stubborn and a rebel
There are more tickets… more for her…

Do you believe in love at first sight? …I do… and I’m married to her…

We’ve had our ups and downs… we’ve separated once but I found my way back to her… and she let me back into her life… we’ve loved and lost …together… we have grown … together…

I’ve said it before… I’m not the easiest person to live with for a number of reasons… but I am grateful for that night where I had the worst performance of my life…

I have hurt her with my illnesses – so many times – made her worry…. made her cry
In psychosis I have blamed her wrongly…. called her names… hurt her in so many ways…

Sometimes I feel as she can do so much better than loving me… Sometimes I feel as I don’t deserve her …her attention ….her love…. but I am grateful for all the nights (and days) I’ve had her standing beside me no matter what…. in sickness and in health… I am grateful for all the laughs we’ve had together, all the tears we’ve cried together…

A moment in tears (- again )
He can feel the tears in his eyes as he walks to her and silently put his arms around her…
– What’s wrong? she asks as she wraps her arms around him…
– Nothing’s wrong.
– Then what is it? she asks again and he can sense she’s worried…
– Nothing’s wrong… he replies… I just remembered something….
– What is it?
– I just remembered how much I love you… and I realized how horrible I’ve been to you…
*tears*
– Can you forgive me? he asks through the tears… Can you forgive me for everything that I have put you through? …and please don’t say it was never my fault… I just need to hear you say that you can forgive me…
– Yes of course I can my love… I have already forgiven you… I love you…
…and for a while they just stand there in silence in the middle of the kitchen in each other’s arms and cry together….


For each moment to come, I will do my very best to be a better husband for you…

Words can’t describe my feelings for her…. I love her with every bit of every cell in my body… so much that sometimes it hurts and that’s when I am reminded to keep on fighting so I can stay with her a little bit longer…

The thing is that the girl I love is 50 years young today… Happy birthday Sunna!

[mp3-jplayer tracks=”FEED:/wp-content/uploads/mp3/Moonlight” width=’100%’ height=’auto’ images=’http://www.letters-from-the-moon.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/white_piano2.jpg’ style=’text wtransbars’ dload=’n’ captions=”Gabriel Arsante – Moonlight Sonata”]

Once up on a time

This was recorded a really long time ago… The plan was to make a record (two actually – at least) as this was done before anyone knew what a CD or a CD player was… but… it didn’t happen…

[mp3-jplayer tracks=”FEED:/wp-content/uploads/mp3/Chopin-Noct” width=’100%’ height=’auto’ images=’http://www.letters-from-the-moon.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/white_piano2.jpg’ style=’text wtransbars’ dload=’n’ captions=”Gabriel Arsante”]

No words today

[mp3-jplayer tracks=’Nocturne in C minor Op.48 No.1@https://letters-from-the-moon.com/wp-content/uploads/mp3/Chopin/Nocturne-in-C-minor-Op48-no1-Lento.m.mp3, Nocturne in F-sharp minor Op.48 no.2@https://letters-from-the-moon.com/wp-content/uploads/mp3/Chopin/Fis-Moll-Op-48-No2-Andantino.mp3′ width=’100%’ height=’auto’ images=’http://www.letters-from-the-moon.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/white_piano2.jpg’ style=’text wtransbars’ dload=’n’ captions=”Gabriel Arsante; Gabriel Arsante”]

This is what I’ve been doing most of the day… when the words get lost music can save you

  1. Broken Butterfly Wings Gabriel J Arsante 7:27
  2. Coldplay - A Sky Full Of Stars - Piano Cover Gabriel J Arsante 4:30
  3. No. 11 Piano Gabriel J Arsante 2:57
  4. Forever in my Heart Gabriel J Arsante 3:36
  5. Chopin Piano Concerto No. 1 - Movem. II - Romance, Larghetto Gabriel J. Arsante 9:58
  6. Canon In D 2014 Gabriel J. Arsante 2:28