A Shadow From the Past

This is somewhat difficult for me to talk about… normally when I try to talk about it I end up writing a book… as in using too many words… and usually end up deleting and not posting at all…. Not only that… but in case you haven’t noticed already I ramble a lot (not just about this) and usually end up going in many different directions at the same time… even repeating myself…. so if something is unclear…. feel free to ask questions if you have any….

I was diagnosed with PTSD in 1998… In my life I’ve had more negative experience with food and eating than positive… starting when I was a child… long term abuse or torture by a mentally ill mother… her favorite method of torturing me was using food…. and/or something… anything she could make me swallow… Not always food or something meant to be eaten…

Even long after her death I had problems with food and eating…. I was starving myself for quite a while and became dangerously underweight…. and at one point I was diagnosed with an eating disorder… though a little later I was also diagnosed with Gastroparesis, severe ulceration of the stomach and later ….or after my entire colon was removed in an emergency operation… Ulcerative Colitis….

I also have another mental illness… schizophrenia… that makes me lose touch with reality unless I’m on medication… because of my problems swallowing I get a shot every 28 days and that helps me staying in reality most of the time…. I do have an occasional bad day though every now and then but nothing close to what it’s like without the meds….

I have talked about this here a little before…I think… but 9 years ago I was very ill… I was very depressed, self-harming and having symptoms of psychosis… I guess you can say I really had hit my bottom with my mental health…. I was an expert on hiding this sort of things…. ever since my childhood I had hidden what was going on inside of me…. but…. I was troubled… everyone around me knew that… but I hid a lot of what was going on inside of me and made them believe I was doing the best I could… in a way I was… but after all I was eating (which was a big problem before this) and I was not harming myself (or at least not in the way I was before) but at that point I had already decided to take my own life… I’ve posted about this on my blog before… and on Sept 10th which was World Suicide Prevention Day I posted about it on my Facebook page but for those who want to read it that post can be found on my Facebook page (For now it’s open to the public)

The attempt was colored by the abuse I went through as a child…. I don’t want to go into all of that in detail though but this left me a lot of damage…. Among the effects this had on my body is tissue damage and scaring on the inside of my mouth and throat… Caustic ingestion… I swallowed poison/chemicals that burned the inside of my body…. and kept burning me on the inside long after the actual ingestion…. Although there are other factors from my past as well…. it’s possibly…and most likely…. what caused the cancer in my esophagus… For now… I seem to be cancer free…. but cancer may very well show up elsewhere in my body in the future…. mouth, throat…. even my liver or my kidneys…. but this is something that I try not to think about too much and will just tackle if it comes up…. but I have had…and will continue to have regular scans because of it…

Another thing I did that night… was something that I had fantasized about for a long time…. This is somewhat difficult for me to talk about… and I hope I won’t be judged for posting about this…. Some of you may know about it already (if you’ve read my blog or somewhere else) but I have a large part of my visible tongue missing… In my deranged and delusional mind I cut it out… just because I wanted to know if I could do it… after all I was going to kill myself anyway (or so I thought)…. Doctors tried to save my tongue… by attaching the “missing” part back in… but there was too much damage done on the inside of my mouth so it wasn’t successful so they had to remove it again….

OK…

I know there are people on here that can’t eat and get all their nutrition through a feeding tube…. I know there are people on here that have had tongue cancer… and/or people who struggle with swallowing… or speaking out loud…. But in the past I have wished I was physically unable to eat and speak…

Ever since I was a kid I’ve had a severe stutter…. My mother told me she was ashamed of me and told me not to speak to anyone who spoke to me… If I did it had consequences… Even at 13 I stopped speaking…. didn’t speak a word for almost 3 years….

Waking up alive after the suicide attempt changed me…. I don’t want to live in the past anymore… I want to live…. and enjoy life… I want to be able to speak better…. and I want to be able to swallow…. and eat…..

Sometimes I have “bad days” I wish I didn’t have to speak and/or like recently when I’m working on eating again after my surgery …but I also know that my ‘bad days’ are when my mental illness is shaking it’s ugly head…. and messing with my mind…. and lately it has been a struggle….

Since the suicide attempt I have been working very hard with a speech therapist that has helped me a lot… My stutter is nowhere close to where it used to be… I speak very very slowly though…. (I type a lot faster than I speak btw) and I *can* speak in spite of my tongue being a little too short… or clearly enough for most people to understand what I say….. I admit though…. I’m not the most talkative person at the party and mostly just speak to my family…. trust and self-esteem issues probably…

I was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus in August…. and had an esophagectomy on Sept 16th…. not only did they remove my esophagus but I have no stomach left at all now…. and from previous surgeries… I have no colon and only 3 – 3,5 meters of small intestine…

Long before E-cancer diagnosis last August…. or since May last year I got a feeding tube because my inability to eat enough orally …problems with my mouth, tongue, throat, esophagus and stomach problems… but even though I couldn’t eat enough… I was eating a little bit every now and then or when I could for a year along with the tube… or until last spring (sometimes in April/May I think)…. I haven’t been eating anything through mouth since then (until recently…) but I kept getting food down my windpipe or chocking on it… and/or it getting stuck in my esophagus…

I’m slowly starting to eat again after surgery although no one is really pushing me except me maybe…. I still pretty much rely on the tube…. but my ‘eating’ consists of only a teaspoon (maybe) or so of something soft throughout the day…. It’s been quite a struggle…. both physically and mentally…. especially mentally…. but just having food inside my mouth (without really swallowing it) is a mental struggle for me and causes anxiety and unwanted and most of the time uncontrollable responses and reflexes on my part… My tongue… or lack thereof… is another problem… lack of properly working saliva glands and not to mention lack of feeling in large part of my mouth and impaired sense of taste…. excuse my language… but fuck that!

I am going to work through all that! I realize I may need the tube for the rest of my life…. and I may never be able to eat a large “all-you-can-eat” buffet meal… (not in one sitting anyway) but I want to be able to eat without having a negative mental reactions or memories…. without a panic attack… and without the ‘shadows’ from my past interfering… Damn it! I want to be able to enjoy a meal for once in my life!

Of me and Depression

Had a cardio and lung test yesterday…. had to be on this cycle machine thing for…what seemed to be hours… I literally thought I was going to die…. and I was still shaking from all of that last night… and now aching all over…. I guess I’m not in a very good shape physically…
I have been fighting depression for a long time through my life or since I was about 13 …I’ve been put on all sorts of antidepressants or combination of meds to help me out but nothing has really worked… The only thing that seems to get me out of depression is electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) or shock treatment…. I know this might sound quite scary to a lot of people but this has literally been a lifesaver for me…. The last time I had this was in 2007-2008 where I had this done several times… three times a week for four weeks and a follow up with more time in between…

The ECT (like the normal antidepressants) is not a cure though unfortunately…. so now… 6 years from my last treatment the depression is paying me a visit again… It has been slowly creeping in since spring this year maybe before that… I may not seem depressed on here though… but lately I need to put all my energy to get up in the mornings and do what I am supposed to do… those little everyday things that most people do….

In the past I have gone ‘downhill’ pretty fast once depression hits me… The current plan is that I will be having ECT treatment in next month… starting Nov 24th…. They were going to schedule this on the Monday the previous week…but I said NO as I don’t want this as my birthday present 😉

I have no idea at this point how the time frame for my ECT treatment looks like…if it will actually happen…. all I know is that it will at least take 3 weeks… I will get a brake over the holidays… and I will most likely have to have some after Christmas as well as a follow up and relapse-prevention…

As much as this is a lifesaving treatment for me there are some side effects…. and which I have had problems with in the past…. but for me this has messed with my memory quite a bit… most of it comes back though…or has in the past… except for maybe events that happen shortly before and happen during the treatment…

There is no denial that I have problems with remembering things…. but quite honestly I don’t think I can blame all of that on ECT or something else… I have other diagnosis… mental disorders…. that are known to mess with people’s memory…

Another ‘side-effect’ if you can call it that… is that this puts quite a bit of a strain to one’s body…. heart, lounges and teeth… My lounges seem to be working fine…. As for my heart… according to my doctors I am at “high risk” given my medication and my family history…. My dad died from his third heart attack at age 62… but he had his first at age 53….

I have had regular checkups and they seem to be fine most of the time… though I have been having irregularities with my heart in the past especially if my medication is being adjusted and recently…. when in rest I feel my heart is beating too fast….

Now at the beginning of this year I had all my bottom teeth drawn… or what was left of them…. and some reconstructive work done on my jawbone bone graft and gum tissue repaired…. And at the end of this month I had another oral surgery…. where I had dental implants put in or what will serve as the base for my future teeth…. as for now I only have temporary teeth and won’t be getting permanent ones until after the ECT… again… if it happens….

However even though I will have protection for my teeth during the procedure… something might go wrong….. I have had my teeth crumble apart during one of those in the past…. and that wasn’t a bad one :/ …not to mention the fact that this also puts quite a bit of pressure on the jawbone as well….

There are lots of things to consider…. and even though I have a date set for the treatment there isn’t really any certainties that it will take place… I have been a lot worse in the past than I am now…. btw…. I am not suicidal or anything like that… not yet anyway and I hope it won’t come to that as I try to focus on my family to keep me going… For the same reasons I also have to fight other thoughts…. negative thoughts…. even somewhat self-destructive thoughts… which call for even more negative thoughts….

I feel I should lay low and not ‘bug’ people with my problems…. I feel irritated when people try to get me to do simple things…. when they want me to speak…. even showering and changing my bad is becoming a problem…. going to the center is a problem now …a place where I stay while my wife is working…. really a safe place for ‘crazy’ people like me… where I have had speech therapy and the ‘normal head issue’ therapy….

In the past I have talked about wanting to dig a hole in the ground… crawl in to it and stay there until it’s safe for me to come out…. I know I can’t really do that…. I can’t stay in my bed either… or refuse to do what is expected of me…. even though I have to use all the energy I can find within me and then some…. to do it and fight…. FUCK you depression!

Memories

A big bright room… too bright… a piano… He’s alone in there… There is window but it’s dark on the other side… but he knows she’s there… and a man he has never seen before…

He’s tired… and he’s hurting… but in spite of the pain he knows he has to sit down and play for them…

He pauses for a second or two… but then sits down at the piano and waits for the sign…

He wants to do well…

He starts playing….

39 years later… about 5 or 6 days ago… he is…. like so many times before… going through some of his old recordings… He comes across this piece again…. but he knows he is in no shape to listen to it…

He has been fighting depression… Even though he may smile or laugh occasionally he’s depressed as hell… Sometimes he just sits and stares into thin air… His body feels heavy… and he’s unable to move… or like something is on top of him pushing him down… he can’t get up… he feels sad ….or hopeless…. tired… old….

Memories from his past jump out of nowhere…. when they are least expected…

He listens….

He hears voices… not the one that he normally hears… but voices from the past…

This is the time when he doesn’t want to exist…. He has bad thoughts…. thoughts that have almost destroyed him in the past…. and it makes his anxiety go sky high…. and he feels a whole lot of guilt…. for almost everything… even things he knows deep down are not even close to being his fault…. He tells himself his thoughts are not true… but it doesn’t change the effect they have on him… they are still too strong… they feel too real to ignore….

He turns of the music… or maybe the piece just finished…. He walks into his living room… to his piano… sits down… and plays…. He can feel her behind him… the pain when she ‘does what she has to do’ …but he keeps on playing… His body aches… from top to bottom… but he keeps on playing…

I need my brain to understand… it can’t let those memories take over… consume every nerve in my body… every cell… and leave me broken for days thereafter…

I want to be able to sit down and play without reliving events from my past… I need to do that… for me… and me only….

This recording was made today… It isn’t perfect…. it wasn’t done effortlessly …or without an unwanted and painful memory from the past… Someday it will be…

You are what you eat

I’ve been seeing a doc who wants to maybe operate on me and attempt to make it easier for me to swallow and speak …but it’s risky as this might not work at all and messing things up even more for some parts if things go wrong…

Ever since this and the damage that came because of it I’ve had problems with swallowing and speaking… some of it is physical… but some is psychological…

I did have problems with both before…. different maybe… but it’s been there all my life… I’ve stuttered as long as I remember… and those who followed my blog back in 2001-2005 know I have had issues with eating in the past… in so many ways I’m still fighting that one… Maybe not for ALL the same reasons as back then… but in a way it is based from the same root… words and actions from my past that are engraved into my brain….

I do remember when I got my first tube ….not the NG tube though … as that was awful and horribly triggering… I did have mixed feelings about it as I wanted two opposite results…. one… not gaining weight as it would make me take up more space than I deserved… but at the same time knowing I was making people that cared about me worried and the other I didn’t have to force myself to eat…

I did have issues that I don’t have now though… but I still have issues with eating… or fear… I realize those fears may not really be about the food and the actual eating…. but instead… of triggers… memories that are attached to food and eating…. in every bit of the way you can think of…. I do know my fears are in so many ways irrational…. and may seem strange to most people…. but it is easier said than done to change that….

I have been on tube feedings since May this year… This is not because of swallowing difficulties however….but as in the past my stomach is the cause of it…

I’ve been drinking water orally though… but my doc said that I had to at least try to keep swallowing no matter what…. to keep those muscles working… I know I haven’t been doing as much of that as I should…

Recently though… I have been trying liquid diet mostly… drinking fluids… and soups… but also some solids… tiny bites and chew them well…. Because of the gastroparesis so there are foods that I have to avoid as they will cause me pain… This is where another kind of fear comes in…. the fear of chocking on the food…. which happens sometimes… quite often if I’m honest… and if it was only for to be rid of that I’d go for a ‘fix’ anytime…

Before it comes to an actual op… I need to go through all kinds of tests or whatever…. so the doc will get a better idea on how he might be able to help…if at all… I know the idea is to try to fix parts of my tongue, soft palate… the roof of my mouth and maybe back of my throat as well… It’s all a big mess in there BTW…. but I don’t know at this point what can be done… or even if I want to go through with this at all…

This is one of the things in my life that I have so many mixed feelings for… feelings of sometimes wanting ‘it’ and other times not wanting ‘it’…. That may not make any sense at all…

I’ve been having sessions with a speech therapist for a while now…. uhm almost ever since I woke up after *it* …with three setbacks though… three ops…. two shorty after and one last year…. but I’m NOT making as much progress as I should have according to the goals set… both with swallowing and speech…. Maybe my mind is preventing progress…. most likely it is… I don’t think it’s on purpose though…. I don’t know….

I do think I will be having this operation no matter what or how I think about it…. that is if the doc thinks it might help…. In a way I don’t feel I am capable of choosing not to go through with it… or even to have it…. so I will just go with the flow…. and hoping where ever the flow goes… it will be in the right direction….

I know this post is very rambly and out of context…. sorry for that…. sometimes it has to be…

A Battle to Win

So this is what’s been going on with me… the joy of having a chronic mental illness… – Make a notice of the sarcasm…

I am standing face to face with my brain…. heading into a battle… and I am going to win it… once again…

Yes… I have slowly been heading into a relapse of my schizophrenia … At the same time… I realize I’ve been lucky as I have been mostly symptom-free since mid-2012… For about a year now my medication has been at a minimal dosage…. just enough to keep away symptoms …and for the most parts… low enough for not giving me nasty side-effects to deal with….

There has been a lot of things going on with my health lately… starting with my stomach quitting on me again in April/May and getting the tube… and the tube making my stoma overactive so I had to wake up in the middle of the night to empty the bag… or I’d wake up with poop all over the place … For the most parts that’s all better now… but I still wake up during the night after 3-4 hour sleep… though most of the time I can go back to sleep right away… However it’s not the same as the 7-8 hours I clearly need…. and I’ve been having random pain/inflammation in my gut… and then esophagus spasms and other problems with my upper GI…

This is sort of the same thing that happened (Pain and GI problems of some kind) when I was first diagnosed with Schizophrenia… that is… starting with my physical health going downwards…. except I wasn’t on any meds for psychosis at the time and well ….I was being secretive about it then… and didn’t tell anyone though it was obvious that something was going on especially in the end…

But yes…. Lately I’ve been having some old familiar symptoms of my schizophrenia… more than usual… It’s actually something I can always expect and nothing unusual if you have schizophrenia… I’m still fighting it and well…. I am still here and mostly…. realizing what is real and what isn’t… I’m also making sure everyone around me knows what’s going on inside my head… ‘Everyone’ being my family… my wife and my kids…

Over the last couple of days… truckloads of fear… I know I am slipping… and fast… Right now I’m still here… obviously… I have been having problems sleeping…. I didn’t sleep much last night or the night before that… Right now I’m on an emotional rollercoaster on overdrive… I am hearing voices in my head telling me to do bad things (to myself)… and it feels like everything is my fault somehow… For those who have been following my blog the longest know from my past history that this is a big red blinking warning sign…

I can assure you that I am NOT going let that happen…. I will do anything in my power not to hurt myself…. ever again… and I really do believe I can win that battle… and with that said I know what I have to do to prevent that from happening… This is why Sunna has made a call to the psych-ward…. I can come in tomorrow afternoon (after 1 o’clock something)….

I don’t know how long I will be there …but I will be back…

To all of you out there…. Thank you for being you…. Just because….

The Beauty and the Beast of Life

“Remember only a very few people have earned the right to hear those parts of us & only if we want to reveal”. ~ Mary Ann Goughler

In the past I have openly discussed some of the ugliest sides of my life… Although I haven’t exactly described them in much detail I have tried to express my emotions, that is, if they were available…

I have an ‘ugly side’ I want to talk about today… but although it is about desperation, fear and sadness there is something beautiful that has come out of it…

I think I’ve mentioned it here before… and although I’ve wanted “it” before this, somehow I didn’t want it as much until then… This was 2004-2005…

I was going to kill myself…

To the outside-world I was working towards a better life for myself…

The truth was I was tired of the game of listening and thinking the opposite… I was tired of listening to my family, my treatment team and with my inner turmoil not being able to do what I was supposed to do to ‘recover’… In my mind… in my delusional mind I knew I could never ‘recover’… It would be too much risk to take…

In a way I was living two separate lives… one that focused on ‘getting better’ and which is what I wrote about here on my journal during that time… and one that focused on dying… I never talked about that side… unlike in the past… I didn’t tell anyone how I felt as I didn’t want to risk a failure… and in the process I wanted to keep a distance from all my dear friends I had made online over the years…

I wasn’t going to hurt them anymore… I wasn’t going to hurt my wife, my sister, my children or my friends… and that is why I was going to kill myself…

I needed time however… I had to make sure they would know why… They had to know I was doing it to set them free from myself… my pain… and my evilness… I needed time to write each of them a letter…

I had to suffer through it… just like in the past…. worse even… Everything that I’d done to myself in the past wasn’t enough… I spent time surfing the internet looking for ideas… methods of killing myself… I got some ideas… some from online surfing… and some just from my head…

Months passed… even a year….  but finally… it was time….

I’m not going to talk about how I did it… That is for me only and maybe the medical team that treated me afterwards… It’s too private… and it’s too ugly…

I didn’t want to do this inside my home so sneaked outside one night when the time came for me to carry out my plan… I didn’t think twice about it…

It was like I was in a trance of some sort… or like an actor on a movie screen as the ongoing story went on… No feelings… no regrets… I was going to succeed this time…

Somewhere in the “process” I passed out from the pain… or maybe it was something else that made me pass out… I don’t know…

A thought imprinted in my memory… It could have been my last thought…

…the moment you realize what you have done… that you know you are actually going to die… and there is nothing you can do about it… that’s when you know you really want to live…

I was unconscious when I was found… rushed to the hospital…

I don’t remember any of that… I don’t remember anything until maybe four weeks later… as I was in ICU being waken up… a very vague memory… tubes… not being able to move… pain …but not unbearable…

At that point I didn’t realize what had happened… That came later…. I was in and out… Heavily sedated, still connected to a ventilator and all sorts of ICU equipment… Although this time is pretty much a blur in my memory… I do remember being afraid… I remember seeing images from my past flashing in front of me… I still couldn’t move… My hands and legs were tied to the bed as at one point I had somehow managed to rip out some tubes… For a while there I felt I was back in the past… as a child… being tortured… alone and betrayed…

After “it” I was hospitalized for almost three years total… most of it in psyche-ward… under intensive care, medical observation, physical therapy… therapy for my body and for my mind…. It took a while to put my shattered, at first, still suicidal, mind back together… I had to learn how to speak again and how to swallow food and liquids again… but somehow it happened… I didn’t hate myself anymore… I didn’t want to die anymore… I didn’t feel I had to free my family of me anymore or think they’d be better off without me…

Needless to say… Mentally I’ve come very far since this time… even counting a mental relapse in 2011-12 leading to my diagnosis was changed from Major Depression with Psychotic Features to Paranoid Schizophrenia… where I was hospitalized without my consent…

I have not fallen into such a deep depression nor have I hurt myself intentionally… and I hope it will never come to that again… ever…

The physical consequences of my “plan”… my “it”… are permanent… and can not be undone… and I am still dealing with the effect this had on my body…

I already had a damaged and diseased body before all this…
I already had problems eating food the normal way…
I already had problems speaking before all this…

“It” left me with even more problems eating food the normal way… difficulty swallowing, muscle damage, scaring and deformation of my tongue and inside my mouth, my throat, esophagus and stomach…

I have been absent for the last couple of weeks… I am having some health issues… and with that my mental health gets down as well… I’m hoping things will start getting better… but until then I focus more on my family and friends… and what’s most important… myself …than this journal…. I’m always ready for an email though 😉

My fears, my demons, my….. my ” it “…
I now direct them to take careful note of…
My middle finger.
They can go to hell…
They can go to the hell they have created for me…
The hell they did their best to get me into and keep me in.
I have to believe that I CAN win the battles.
And I *do* believe that.
Noah Grey

Nov 9, 2014:
Part two is here

Don’t fall off…

Sometimes life is just overwhelming…

He tries not to panic and puts all his energy he has left in him to focus on the good things in his life… But sometimes life is just too overwhelming and too scary and the little amount of energy he has just isn’t enough… He is tired and he wants to cut loose… let go of the rope he is hanging on to… He wishes he could just let himself fall… really?

No… In spite of the energy going away… he wants to hold on even tighter… not only for the people in his life… his “good things”… but for himself as well…

Parts of him want to beat “her”… just to make her out as the looser instead of him… Every now and then though, an evil thought creeps into his head… a thought that scares him more than anything else in this world… as he knows he won’t be able to survive that all over again…

He sits still and puts all his energy on the good things in his life… The faces of his family and focuses on how much he loves them and how they have helped him to see the beauty of life and the very fact that he really does deserve to see and feel beauty…

He doesn’t want to be ‘her victim’ anymore…

Mind full of thoughts

There is something that I feel I need to get out of my system… something that happened 9 – 10 years ago… To people who are coming here now… those who did not know me back then, this may seem out of context or difficult to make sense off…

The forums I speak off – which remain nameless in this post – is a place where I had the trust of hundreds of members as an administrator… They saw me as someone who was strong and they looked up to me… but for me this was my lie… I didn’t feel strong at all… I was just a terrified little human and I felt I couldn’t do anything to make ‘them’ understand that…

I need to get as much of this out as I can. I fear this is the very reason why I have been having difficult time to write on here… I have always had fears of what other people may think of me… and I keep excusing myself over and over again… for everything…

I don’t know what you think of me… or who you think I am… I am trying not to care but I can’t help it… I do care…

I don’t know if you realize how sick I really was back then… especially the past year or so before I disappeared ….probably even longer than that, maybe before our paths crossed… I worked hard to keep my chin up… but inside I felt it was all a show… I felt I had to “put on a show” for you guys… I gave people as much support I possibly could… but held back when I should have reached out for support from you…

I honestly don’t remember a lot off what went on at the forums right before I left/disappeared… but I was tired… Tired of having to fight for life… In addition to my mental health going way down the drain I was also having problems with my stomach that was giving me a hard time as well as the rest of my GI tact… I had two major operations done around that time… one of them (as I felt at the time) leaving me ‘deformed’ and even more ashamed of my body…

I don’t remember in detail what I said or did… or what people thought I had done…. but people started to question me… I had already made a plan to kill myself and what went on there only made it easier for me to leave… I was selfish… and I didn’t care… I didn’t really think at the time as I had already made up my mind… I didn’t think about anyone except myself… except …maybe I did care a little… in a way transferring my own experiences to others… as at the time I felt it was better if people would just hate me as then they would not miss me and/or grief…

I don’t know what went on at the forums after I left… but I know I involved a very dear (offline) friend of mine to all of this… someone who was kind enough to allow me use her web server for my websites as well as the mini-forum… I had full access to the server… I was able to do whatever I could think off; including reading her (and her family’s) personal email and/or even reply as her…

For a while I just “worked with the flow” of pretending to work on my recovery as I wanted to prepare myself and do some serious writing before I went through with my *plan*… I was even on medication that did help with a lot of stuff that had been going on like organizing my thoughts, hallucinations, paranoia and more… which BTW helped me to write what I wanted to say to those I’d leave behind… my wife, my children, my sister and a few more people… all people I knew in the “real 3D world”…

Finally it was time… and well …I failed

I’m not going into any details… but I was in hospital for almost three years total afterwards…

By the time I got out my domains had expired… I didn’t have a backup at hand… I had no idea how to get a hold of anyone I had known online… and quite frankly I still didn’t care… I wasn’t going to get back online after all of this and hurt people all over again…

In a way I learned that I had given people the wrong impression of me… people looked up to me for some odd reason… I never understood that and it made me extremely uncomfortable, especially in the end… then again, at the time I also truly believed that I was exactly what my mom said I was… I don’t think I have to write that out here as I brought this up quite a lot back in the day…. but I guess that’s one of the reasons off why this seemed so easy for me…

I knew people would get hurt… I didn’t care
I knew people would get angry with me… I didn’t care
I knew if people would try to get in touch… I’d just ignore them

…but…

I have learned a lot of things about myself since then…
I have learned that no matter how strongly you believe something it can just be your brain playing with you… and by discovering that… I have also learned that life without having to hurt myself is indeed possible.

I have also learned that I have a long way to go in some areas… In the past two or three months I’ve tried to reconnect with some of my old online friends… With some it has worked and for that I am grateful… However, I don’t really have much to go on other than nicknames for quite a large group of people… some may even still hate me and are not going to reply… That doesn’t matter… really… their choice… but for me… I have to get it out of me…

First real post at this place

…first post that is not a “test” post that is….

I have no idea where this is going to go… this being the first post at this website
…this being the first public journal entry I’ve written since 2005

What can I say… I went away into the land of psychosis and lost my way back for quite a while… I gave up on myself for a while and made an attempt to cut away the pain, the shame and everything else I was feeling at the time…

That’s when I decided to think up a plan…

I lied to my friends… I lied to my family… I lied to my doctors and therapist… the very people that was helping me to stay on top of the abyss down below me…

I lied because I couldn’t deal with the world… the hallucinations… chaos of my mind….

For a long time I felt I had to act as nothing was going on…
I put on a mask…
I thought it would be possible… that I could pull it off this time… so for a while I felt strong…
I was wrong…

I had a “backup” plan… which was to kill my self… painfully….

I almost succeeded…

I was in ICU for a while… then after that hospitalized because of my mental problems/health…
Was there for almost 30 months…

Eight years later … I am still here… alive…THANKFULLY!

don’t belong

sorry for being quiet…

sorry for not being supportive lately or if it seems like i’m ignoring people… or the fact that I seem (am) frustrated with everybody and everything…

i don’t really have an excuse… it feels like it …but really… i don’t…

it’s not that i expect an answer or a feedback of any kind… at least I know what i feel isn’t true… but can i say it?

I feel out of place… i feel like i don’t belong… not just here (on the internet) but everywhere… and it includes my family… my home… I am just not the person they want or need me to be… and maybe a part of me doesn’t even want to be that person… which is a whole different (but related) matter…

I am just too fucked up…. to fucked up to be a person… and no matter how hard I try I will always be…

…or maybe …maybe i do crave attention without realizing it… maybe when ‘everything’ is fine in my life i go look for trouble… do things to gain back the attention that I so desperately (again… without realizing it) need…

uhm whatever… I’m sorry…

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