Love Struck

He wasn’t supposed to fall in love… forbidden… she told him… She said he was “incapable of love” and that he was only thinking he was in love when in fact it was just lust…  

“Remember the evil in you…” she said…   

“You will make them fall in love with you and then… bahmm!   Something bad happens… They will get sick… or someone they love would get sick or injured…  Something terrible would happen…”   

That’s what she said… and he was afraid not to believe her…  Too many signs of her being right…  The shadows… would remind him as well…   

—

It wasn’t until my last year at school I started to give in to the girls… or not until Chris became my roommate… Girls seemed to like him and he like them… Both of us played around those first four months of the school year… We partied every weekend…. we got drunk… showed off our music abilities and the girls where there…  

My mother’s words were constantly playing in my head… so I broke a few hearts… possibly talked about as the boy who only wanted them for the sex…. not their love or to give them my love…   

I believed I was incapable of love… and in a way I didn’t understand what it meant…

—-

Final concert of the semester… Friday November 30th 1984… Last year’s students… Two hour program…   I was playing Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata… all three movements…   

I hadn’t seen Chris all day… He had told me he was coming but he wasn’t there yet… but he was late… The show had already started…   It was almost time for me to walk on the stage… I noticed Chris walk in… with a girl… the most beautiful creature I had ever seen…  

Did Chris get himself a girlfriend without me knowing about it?   I thought to myself… Somehow that thought changed…. It could have been someone saying it out loud… but I knew this was one of his sisters …not his girlfriend.

For a moment the time stood still… Like in slow motion she ran her hand through her hair… said something to her brother… walking slowly… gracefully…  It was that moment… like… she put a spell on me… an arrow through the heart…   

Someone said something behind me… For some reason I just couldn’t take his eyes of her… Nothing else mattered… It was just me and her…  It felt like in a dream… the one you don’t want to wake up from…

Again… someone said something… and I felt someone laying a hand on my shoulder…  “You are on the stage! NOW!”

——–

I glanced my eyes towards her direction and all throughout the performance … I can’t see her though… but I know she is there… I make an effort to speak to her through the piano… and put my every emotion I humanly can into the music…

Once done… I stand up… The guests seem happy… I try to look but there are too many people…  I can’t see her…  

“Didn’t Chris say he was going to meet me after my performance?” I think to myself… “I’m sure he said so… He better take her with him…”   

—

Then I remembered…  “You cannot fall in love”   

—

I didn’t meet her that night… didn’t talk to her… I left before the concert was over… had a few drinks and eventually passed out…  

Next morning… or afternoon… when I woke up… Chris was there… Reminding me of our party in the evening… people to call to see if the room was ready… and things to prepare…   Somehow I managed to ask if he had invited his sister… but knowing she was going to come made me nervous…  

We had rented a little party room or a bar for the party…. not the first time…. but we arrived there early to take care of a few things… Everything was ready though…. so Chris said he was going to go and get his sister… but I’d wait for the guests in case he would be late…  I know it was way too early to start drinking but I was nervous.  People were starting to arrive…. but Chris wasn’t there yet….  When they finally showed up I’d had too much to drink and I’d fallen asleep. Somehow I must have gotten home and when I woke up the next day with a splitting headache and feeling ashamed…  

I didn’t know how to stop myself from thinking about her…

I tried to fall out of love… I tried to forget about her… but I couldn’t…  

It didn’t help that almost three weeks later it was Chris’s birthday party… I got drunk… she got drunk…. and we talked …and more 😉

Sunna

“There are no known words that can explain the way I feel about you… From the moment I first saw you I’ve been in love with you. I just was to shy to admit it. You can not believe how often I was at your mother’s place just to see you even I was officially visiting your brother. Finally I got myself together and asked you out. I was so afraid of you saying no. But to my surprise you made me the happiest man on earth by wanting to go out with me.

For few months we spent all our free moments together. But there was something missing. I wanted more. I felt I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life and for you to have my children. But all I had to do was ask. My dream came through on June 1st 1986 when you became my wife. And later you gave birth to, not just one, but two beautiful little girls and there were more children to come.

You have given me so much. The memories of Kim, Megan, David and Johnny will always stay in our hearts. When they went to heaven I truly believed my life was over and I thought that you didn’t want me anymore. I don’t know why I came to you again or why you took me back, but I want to believe it were our angels in heaven helping us. All I know is that I love you and I will do everything for you…”

(From ‘The Proposal’  – a website made in 1998

I was 19.  She was 20.  She came to a school concert with Christian. I saw her come in and it was like you see in the movies…. I didn’t see or hear anyone else except her. I couldn’t help myself I just stared…. Never in my life had I seen such beauty! At first I thought Christian had just got himself a new girlfriend but someone noticed me staring at her and told me that this was his sister. I’d been to Christian’s house and seen a few of his sisters but I’d never seen this one though. I got out of my “coma” when somebody pulled me towards the stage, telling me I was the next one on. I had the worst time ever on stage that day and I couldn’t take my mind of that girl.

Afterwards I met Christian and asked him to invite his sister to a party we were having in the evening. He told me she was already coming and I got SO nervous!! I arrived at the party way too early and started to drink. But Christian and Sunna were late. When they finally showed up I’d had too much to drink and I’d fallen asleep. Somehow I must have gotten home and when I woke up the next day with a splitting headache and feeling ashamed I was sure that a fine girl likes her would never even consider going out with someone like me. I promised myself that I would never drink again! Even though I thought there wasn’t much change for me I couldn’t forget about Sunna. I saw her, a couple of times when I visited Christian and there were even a few times that I came by his house even when I knew he wasn’t there!!

Finally I got my chance!! It was at a party (I didn’t drink much, very unusual for me!). We just somehow started talking. My heart was beating so fast and I thought I would blew my change by having an attack…I tried to concentrate and I was able to ask her if she wanted to meet me the next day. To my surprise she said YES!!!!…. I was thrilled. We spent a lot of time together after that. I felt safe with her….like I could do anything… Time went by fast….and before I knew it I had learned everything the school had to offer. My mother wanted me to come back home but I wanted to stay. I just knew Sunna was the woman I wanted to marry but I wasn’t sure she wanted me. I decided to propose to her and invited her to the best restaurant in town and popped the question. I’m sure she had noticed how insecure I was and she gave me a big smile and said Yes! Of causes I will you silly!! This wasn’t quite the answer I was expecting especially because I hadn’t asked the question before she answered…but good enough for me. 🙂

I wasn’t able to tell Sunna about my childhood…and the problems that I was having…Maybe I thought if I would tell her I’d lose her and I didn’t want that…. I felt safe when I was with her…but the next thing I knew we were on our way home to my parents. On the way there I remember thinking that we weren’t going to leave there again…..that we would be stuck there forever…and I found myself in the middle of an attack…we were on a bus…it was late and Sunna was asleep…I don’t think anyone noticed what was going on there…I wanted to yell out to the driver to stop so I could go off the bus and take Sunna with me…but I couldn’t… Suddenly we were there…My father came to get us and drove us home…I got the feeling he loved Sunna…who wouldn’t? I asked myself that question all the way…like I was convincing myself that everything was going to be ok… My mother came to the door to meet us with open arms… I thought this was only “acting” on her behalf toward Sunna….but as few days passed I saw that she loved Sunna just as much as I did… but her feelings for me had not changed… The first chance she got…when we were alone…she put me down…. She said I didn’t deserve to be loved by such a good person as Sunna… She told me that if I wouldn’t do as she told me to do…she would tell Sunna all about what kind of a person I really was… I was her “slave” again and did everything she asked off me. My mother offered to help with the wedding and asked us if we would like to get married on the ranch. Sunna wanted that and when my father asked if we would like a place to live and offered us a house at the ranch I was surprised at my “city girl”. This was where she wanted to live. Deep down I wished that she didn’t want to stay there but I was also relieved because I knew my mother wanted us there….

While I was away at school my parents had moved to a new house…so we got the old house…. My dad said that it was too big for them to take care of…It was an old house, with 9 bedrooms and it needed a lot of work. My father offered to pay for the repairs and all we had to do was to decide where to start. We wanted to move in right after the wedding so the only repairs done were to make it habitable. Soon after our marriage we started having children. My mother kept me busy working on my own music and sometimes I had to go away to play. Before I knew it we were a family of seven! I had often thought about taking time off my travelling but never got to it…. I was afraid of what my mother might do if I did…Whenever I thought I would have a few days off my mother came up with something new for me to do… She said that this was for the best…that I shouldn’t spend too much time with Sunna and the kids…I’d only hurt them… I went along with her… I knew she wasn’t going to be around forever and I believed that my family would be there for me later…But I was wrong! I know you think that something like this will never happen to you or your family because I did. That horrible night in August 1992 I realized that it could.

I am still in love… Yes we’ve had our tough moments together… yes…

I’ve almost lost her a few times… but each time my love for her grows even more…

I know I am not always the easiest person to live with…

I know I have done things that have made her sad… even angry at me… but she has never given up on me… even when I gave up on myself…

She is the reason I am here… She is my strength… She is my best friend… my partner in life and the mother of my children …and with her I can do anything…

Can you Forgive Me?

He can feel the tears in his eyes as he walks to her and silently put his arms around her…

– What’s wrong? she asks as she wraps her arms around him…

– Nothing’s wrong.

– Then what is it? she asks again and he can sense she’s worried…

– Nothing’s wrong… he replies… I just remembered something…

– What is it?

– I just remembered how much I love you… and I realized how horrible I’ve been to you…

*tears*

– Can you forgive me? he asks through the tears… Can you forgive me for everything that I have put you through? …and please don’t say it was never my fault… I just need to hear you say that you can forgive me…

– Yes of course I can my love… I have already forgiven you… I love you…

…and for a while they just stand there in silence in the middle of the kitchen in each other’s arms and cry together…