- …I remember being told I wasn’t worthy of getting food…
- …I remember getting caught and punished for stealing food…
- …I remember getting punished for eating “too much”…
- …I remember being forced to eat too much…
- …I remember being forced to throw up what I ate…
- …I remember being forced to eat spoiled food…
- …I remember being forced to eat food that was too hot…
- …I remember being forced to go outside in the dark freezing cold in the middle of the night… with next to no cloths on…
- …I remember having my back poked with a knife while sitting at the piano…
- …I remember having a tube shoved down my throat in order to feed me something that would make my stomach hurt…
- …I remember being hit in the stomach as a method of waking me up …and dragged out of bed in the middle of the night
- …I remember being tied up in various places and unable to move
- …I remember being raped repeatedly by a grown man
- …I remember being in such great pain but having to act as nothing was wrong and being too scared not do as I was told…
The Little Boy
He’s in the big room where daddy keeps all his papers. Deep down he knows he shouldn’t be there… and if he’s caught he will be in trouble …
The room has big windows and deep purple, thick heavy drapes preventing the sun from shining inside… Still there is a tiny little sun ray shining at daddy’s big desk. The desk has a pile of papers on one end and lots of pens in bright colors, a big bowl of candy on the top shelf.
He sees the bowl of candy and he can already taste the sweet flavor. He climbs and gets closer to it.
– Oh no!
The door opens. It’s her. Everything goes black. The world’s spins and……
Next….
The little boy is in the kitchen. He can’t move. He and the chair he is sitting in are one. Blood is running from his arms and legs. The rope that holds him and the chair together cuts his skin as he tries to move.
She is making something to eat.
”Good”, the little boy thinks to himself, “I am hungry”
He had refused to eat his lunch before and there was nothing she could do to make him so he was hungry now…
”You have to eat this now, you hear me?” She said with a grin on her face. ”This is what happens when you are bad and refuse to eat your food. Now you will have to pay”
It was hot, very hot. He could feel the sweet taste at first but then nothing… only the pain of the burning heat that was being poured down his throat. He felt like he was choking but she didn’t stop until there was no more soup left.
The little boy passed out from the pain…..
Journal entry from 2000-11-28
I don’t know if this is one of my earliest memories… but this is the one that started a wave of mental chaos many years later… while standing in that room… daddy’s office… There are many gaps in my childhood… In my earliest memories I know the pain… I know the fear… and I know why she has to do this… I know the music and how I can make her ‘good’ …how I can make her sometimes forget how evil I am… I know the fear of her finding new methods …fear of the unexpected…
You are a miracle and I know that makes no sense to people like us. I too come from a back ground as yours. We both have suffered a lot. You are brave to not only write but share about your horrific upbringing and life. You write well my friend. Big hugs to you.
I’m so incredibly sorry.