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To love is to
FORGIVE
even oneself

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Consequences?… yes

Regrettes?…. Yes

If he could he would change places with both of them…

…but in spite of the price…. it’s time to make changes…

Journal Entry:  January 1995

Twenty years

There is something inside of me so I feel I must try to write in an attempt to get it out of there…

This day, January 17th 1995… or 20 years ago I did something that I have had to live with ever since… something that I have regretted and would do anything to take it back… to somehow be able to go back to the hours before it happened and change the chain of events that led to it…

This involves a car, alcohol and two people I loved. I was the one driving… I was drunk, Chris, my best friend and my sister Maria, where in the back seat… none of us wearing a seat belt…

I remember only bits and pieces…

Afternoon January 16th… Chris and Maria were looking for someone to drive them to a party… They said they weren’t going to stay there for long, maybe for one drink and then go back home as this was in the middle of the week and Chris had school the day after…

Chris asked me if I could do this for them… My father was there and said since I was fresh out of rehab it wouldn’t be such a good idea… I guess something in me snapped when he said that and even though I knew he was right I agreed to do this for Chris and Maria… I told my dad not to worry and asked him to trust me on this…

We arrived… I told Chris and Maria that I was just going to wait in the car and they went inside… a few minutes later…. someone came and invited me inside for a coffee. “Help yourself”, she said. Once I got in someone else offered me a drink… and without even hesitating just a little bit I accepted… and… I don’t know how many after that… however I made sure Chris and Maria didn’t see me drinking. They were also quite drunk that night so when it was time to go back home they didn’t notice… It was a few minutes after midnight when we left the party….

As we walked to the car a thought crossed my mind… I remember thinking that we would most likely not make it home in one piece…

I don’t remember the exact moment of the crash… maybe a little while the car was still rolling… I remember looking for Maria and Chris as they weren’t in the backseat… lots of glass… I managed to get out… panic… I saw Chris… he was under the car… I felt sick… and remember thinking he must be dead… Then someone came and said something… and the next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital…

My father was in the room when I woke up… I wasn’t sure at first if what had happened was a dream or not so I asked him. He told me I should “pray for Chris and Maria to live” and then he walked out…

I only had a bump on my head, a few minor cuts and bruises… I was discharged from the hospital around noon…

Chris left the hospital many months later stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of his live. We never really got Maria back…. She lived for 4 years…. unable to take care of herself…. She suffered a severe head injury in the crash that left her with brain damaged. She was unable to control her body and needed 24 hours of care. She died because of me March 20th 1999 at age 31. Chris died two years later.

It’s been a long time since this happened… 20 years… this day always brings out the memories… the fear at the time of the crash… shame and guilt… self-hatred…. anxiety… and fear… and words from my childhood… which make those feelings multiply in size… the shame… self-hatred…

It’s been both ways today… up and down… I had some problems sleeping last night… had my meds like usual and went to bed… I don’t have to take those every night… but they help me relax and that usually means I can sleep through the night without feeling like a zombie when I wake up… Last night I did fall asleep soon after I got in… But woke up again… I don’t know what woke me but I felt afraid… panic almost… it took me some time to calm myself down… I know that when something like this happens I’m supposed to wake Sunna up… I didn’t want to at first… as I had other thoughts… preventing me from “doing the right thing”…

 

Morning was ok… we went to Sunna’s parents… and we stayed there for a couple hours going through old photos…. Then we got back home… and did stuff around the house… talked to friends in far countries… and Emma… played my piano… pretty much a ‘normal’ lazy Saturday…

And for the last two hours or so I’ve just been writing my way out of this day…

While in rehab for my addiction I had the chance to see a speech therapist who was able to help me quite a lot in a few months… although I still had occasional stutter and still having sessions with the speech therapist I was able to get a job as a teacher the following year… I had this job for two years…and did well until right before Easter 1998 but that’s when my mental health started going downhill… and also I was unable to control the stutter… and with all of that… everything I had learned to help with my stutter didn’t seem to work for me anymore.. Part of me probably didn’t care at some point though… but my anxiety was also out of control and well… in a way I was out of control in many different ways… some pretty extreme…

Journal entry from: Jan 18, 2015 

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